Wednesday, December 4, 2019

Doing The Best I Can

When I started writing again, it was pressed on my heart to be real.
Being real in a world where we are always supposed to be ok is not easy.
My writing mentor mentioned to me one time that I needed to be more transparent.
I struggle with that because I want everything to be ok, and have had to admit to myself that some things are just hard. I can't lie to myself.
As a Christian, everything is supposed to be ok, if you trust God. Once again, I've had to be real with myself. God knows me. He knows where I am. He already knows I'm having a hard time. He's the one who said, "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)

Tonight I am weary.
It's hard to admit.
I go through so many days with a spring in my step, and keep the pace.
But, there comes a time...
Tears fill my eyes, and my heart is heavy.
I have no energy left.
It's like there is a well in my heart that fills up a little at a time.
I go day by day, and when the well is full
the tears come.
I have to stop.
The load is heavy.

Lord, this road is hard everyday, but some days it is harder than others.
The holidays are so wonderful, and yet
there is a mixture of emotions that surface during this time.
I rejoice and decorate. I listen to Christmas songs and sing along.
I enjoy the movies and the festivities.
All the while, there is that hole in my heart for Caleb.
Lord, you know how much I miss him.
It is such an easy thing to say that I know he's in heaven and it's wonderful (and it is.)
But, it's hard to accept that he is really not here.
I miss him beyond words.
Lord, I'm thankful for my children that are here. I am.
They bring me great joy and I appreciate them so much.
But, oh Lord, how I long for the presence of my son in heaven.

I wake up each morning and that longing is there. It just is.
My world has changed and it will always seem incomplete without Caleb here.
Lord, you know I live this life looking up.
I love you. I look to you for strength everyday. and you are faithful.

Lord, I know I'm not alone.
I know many moms and dads on this road without their children, children - young and adult, without moms, dads.
There are many wives without their husbands, husbands without their wives.
Siblings missing brothers, sisters.
I have friends going through chemo, or other difficulties of life.
Life can be tough.
You know this. You said, "In this world, you shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer.
I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

You've shown me time and time again, that you are there for me.
I've seen your hand move in great ways. in quietness.
I've experienced your peace that surpasses the tough things of life.
In the darkest of times, your light has made a way on this road.

Christmas is a time of hope, a hope I hold dear -
the blessed hope of Christ who came to this world voluntarily- the Word made flesh, your only Son.
Even in tears and sorrow, you have been so faithful to lift me up.
You have been my hope.

My prayer is for all my friends, Shar, Ron, Ross, Judi, Casey, Justin, Michelle, Scoti,  Linda, Christine, Brandi, Sharon, Cheryl, Keith, Brad, Nancy, Luann, Mike, Kim,Wade, Marvin, Frankie, Carolyn, Ceci, Jon, Shelli, Brenden, Shelbi, Vicki, Randy, Kristen, Debbie,
Kliffa, Dennis, Mike, Robin, Jean, Derek, Austin, Mike, Ree, Joe, Sylvia, Vanessa, Maria, Sami, Val, Lorrie, Aesha, Makenzy, Dawn, Grant, Jennifer, Brian, and so many more.

May the peace that comes from Christ Jesus lift your hearts during this season.
He understands
He is the light in the darkness.

I remain yours in hope.

I may be back with more blogs during this season.
Now it is time to rest on my Abba Daddy's lap.

@ 2019 Diane Homm

Sunday, September 29, 2019

green pastures: Gold Star Mothers

green pastures: Gold Star Mothers: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ There is  an invisible chain linking us closer today. Links of mothers' hearts across the land. Mothers brought together in th...

Gold Star Mothers


There is  an invisible chain linking us closer today.
Links of mothers' hearts across the land.
Mothers brought together in the throes of tragedy,
of sorrow -
Military moms with sons and daughters who served with their last
breath of air,
Then left this earth's life.

Military moms who got that knock at the door that
broke them like nothing else in life ever could.
"You'll get a knock, not a call," they said,
as they informed us of the new life we entered when
our sons, our daughters took that vow.
We had lived our days, not dwelling on the knock,
not thinking, yet dreading when a thought would cross our mind.

Gold Star Moms across the nation hold a flag,
a folded flag, with life and death engraved in each stitch.
"My son, my daughter," in red, white and blue,
folded and held close to our hearts for all eternity.

We don't all know each other, and yet -
when we meet for the first time,
we greet with hugs and tears.
We know too well,
We walk this road together.

Our lives are changed forever,
we will never be the same.
We can share our hearts,
the stories of our children,
We smile, laugh and cry,
because we understand.

"Its a club no one wants to join."
How well we know it's true.
We're in it for life,
till eternity calls,
And then,
we will take our last breath of air,
and leave this earthly life.

I've no doubt, the pearly gates will be surrounded
by our heroes gone ahead,
who will recognize us all
because of all the stories,
the hugs the tears
we shared.

@diane homm September 29, 2019

Wednesday, July 17, 2019

green pastures: Missing Caleb

green pastures: Missing Caleb: I can go along for a while, keeping busy, wearing a smile. Then, it happens. I think of it as a reservoir. My 'miss you&#39...

Missing Caleb

I can go along for a while,
keeping busy,
wearing a smile.
Then, it happens.

I think of it as a reservoir.
My 'miss you' reservoir.
Today it's full, full to overflowing.

That  'miss you' part of me -
That place where Caleb is supposed to be.

There are so many times I think, "Oh, I've got to tell Caleb about this!"
Something happens, I hear from someone he knows,
someone he knows has a job change, someone gets married, has a new baby...
and I just want to call or text, to visit, to let him know.

I don't care how long it's been, there are days like today
where I can hardly stand it.
 I wake up thinking how
I've got to see Caleb.

The gut-wrenching, tear-your-heart-apart feeling brings
me to my knees.

The reservoir is full to bursting.
Tears come.
Uncontrollable sobbing.
I miss my son.

I remember the mom who told me six years ago,
"Oh, there will come a day when you stop, and think,
'wow, I didn't think about him once, today...there will come a time when you won't think about him."
I can't speak for any other parent,
but this parent thinks about all her children every single day.
Caleb is always going to be part of my life,

I miss him so much today.
Tears are flowing out of the reservoir,
I think of the bottle in heaven,
"You keep track of my sorrows. You have collected all my tears
in your bottle, You have recorded each one in your book." ~ Proverbs 58:6
My 'bottle' has got to be huge.

Caleb, today is a very hard day without your physical self here.
I think it's been long enough and you need to come home, now.
I remember those thoughts when you were deployed, or training or contracting for long periods of time.
But, this?!
This is so much harder. You won't be surprising me by calling, or walking through the front door.
You won't be HERE, in your room, with music playing.
You won't be jumping out and scaring me, only to make me laugh till I cried.
You won't be hanging out in the kitchen while I cook, sampling this or that.
You won't be watching some old movie with me, and at the end saying,"i can't believe I watched that with you."
You won't be revving up your Harley, waving as you drive down the street.
You won't be saying, "Love you, Mom. See you later," when you have to leave or hang up.

I hate the finality of our time here on this earth together.

Days like this, I cling to that hope that brings joy in the depths of all the tears.
I will see you again.
I will hear you again,
I will hug you again.
You will make me laugh again, and tell me 'what's going on.'

Random memories will cross my mind, and recently I thought of the impressions you would do. You did such a good job, and would make me laugh so hard.
Remember the Cosby impersonation about the pudding?

No matter what, you bring a smile to my face, to my heart.
Oh, but I miss you.
No amount of time will ever change that.

Eternity is ours.

I love you, Caleb.

copyright@diane homm 07/17/2019

Sunday, December 16, 2018

That Light In The Darkness

Sitting here in the early morning, I am surrounded by the dark, except for the lone candlelight in the window...the candle that has been in the window since Caleb went to Iraq in 2006. It is a flicker of hope in the darkness.
It has been a long while since I have done this. I woke up, grabbed my laptop, and came to the living room to sit, compelled to write.

Yesterday was the Wreaths Across America ceremony. It is a beautiful tribute.

I stood alone with Griz, a little ways from those present. I had to be alone right then.
I watched as the veterans from our VFW marched in. I listened to the low cadence as their shoes hit the gravel.
Reality hit as it for the first time. I was a real part of this ceremony. When they mentioned the fallen, they were talking about my son. When they hung the wreath for the Marines, my son's face came to mind.  When they hung wreaths for the other branches, the faces of so many young men and women crossed my mind.

I know their parents. I know their stories.
     It is all real.
     Too real.
     Emotions flood and tears trickle down my face.
     The eternal flame is blazing, the flag is at half mast.
     The speaker says to stop at a marker, read the name.
      Think about that person. He/she had a family, a life.
     Taps is played.
     The lullaby of completion is what I call it.
     "Day is done."

It wasn't a big crowd, but I've come to appreciate those who attend. They are there to honor.
That is what is important.

I visited with a few friends yesterday.
For some, it is the first Christmas without their loved ones.
The rawness of the absence of someone so dear and close can be overwhelming.

We talked about their loved ones, and the  memories, the close relationships they had shared.
How tough it is when you're used to having someone in your life, someone you love so much -then suddenly they are gone.
Poof. Just like that.
It is hard. How can someone be here and all of a sudden just be gone from our lives, their existence erased from this present reality of life.

We talked about God. The questions, the unanswered questions- it didn't have to happen, but it did. Oh, the many questions we have. Yet, even though we may not have those answers, we have the one answer that gets us through...knowing God is there. He is real. He does love us. He does give us comfort and peace. It's tough. I know it is.  I know he's there. But, yes. I've been mad. I've screamed and cried. It is sometimes beyond hard to walk down this road. There are days I think I simply have to see my son again. I can't stand not being able to see him. It's time. I miss him so much, and the hurt is so deep...yet somehow, I get through another day. I know I'll see him again, but it's the now that can be difficult.
But, through it all, God is faithful.

Holidays are hard.
As I listened to these friends, I heard hope in brokenness.
Yes, it's so very hard.
For some, as I said, it's their first Christmas without their loved ones.
Yet, they are moving.
Just moving.
Some are going somewhere. Some are having family fly in. Some decorate, others do not. I stay home. My children  come. That is the specialness of Christmas for me. I decorate because I am celebrating the hope I have in my heart. I decorate because I have always loved Christmas. Caleb always loved Christmas. I can do it. For me, it's important. Jesus came at Christmas. Heaven came down and glory filled the earth.

I sit here, the candle in the window lends light to the break of another day.
Even though tears stream down my face, thinking of all those going through that first Christmas without a loved one....remembering that first Christmas and how unreal it was....thinking how it really doesn't change much as the years pass. It is still unreal. Maybe the ultimate shock is gone, but there are moments when the reality hits so hard and it's almost impossible to accept.

As day breaks into the darkness, hope lightens the day.

May Christmas bring the hope that came to the world as a baby, Jesus, Yeshua Ha-Mashiach.
May the reality of what we cannot see, bring peace.
May the joy in knowing we will see our loved ones again, spring from our hearts - even if we cry.

We are not alone.
He is ever with us.
Immanuel - God with us.
He is the Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.


copyright. Diane Homm/2018

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

When We Stand Together - Remember 9-11

The day America was attacked on our own soil.
The day America stood together.
The day that seems like a lifetime ago, because it was.
The day that our life time changed forever.
The day we remember....anyone who was alive on that day remembers where he/she was and what he/she was doing.
I remember...I had the flu. A friend called and told me to turn on the TV, something horrible had happened.
I remember...I came into the family room, and saw Caleb. He had gotten up before anyone, and was watching the account on TV. He told me what happened.
I remember watching the horror on TV that day.
I remember how America stood, cried, grieved, and came together.

Seventeen years have passed.
I looked at online images from 2001....                        
Americans loved America.
There were flags...American flags everywhere...
We were America and we were going to stand.
It didn't matter what color, race, creed.
We had all been affected.
Our first responders, firefighters, policemen - were honored.
No one thought of disrespecting the flag.
Then began the war on terrorism.
It had to be many have fought that war - including my son.
Americans loved America, and there were flags...
American flags, flying from homes, and businesses and schools.

America, what happened?
In the name of unrest and poor judgment, there are those who
hate America, hate our flag and the freedom it stands for.

Seventeen years attack of hatred hit our soil.
It brought Americans together.
Today hatred is on our soil from those who were born here.
Those who disregard our flag, our law enforcement...those who will say
our military men/women deserve to die,
obviously have no idea what they are saying.

This is my country.
I'm honored by a country that takes the time to honor the thousands who were killed seventeen years ago on a fateful day that changed the whole world.
I listened to thousands of names read, heard messages from loved ones remembering those they love.
I heard, "God bless America," "God bless our troops who fight for our protection," "God bless..."
The loved ones are not forgotten and never will be.
These who sacrificed their lives were honored around the globe.
American flags and flowers were placed on the 9-11 memorials.
Memories, moments of silence, prayers and tears were shared.

I believe, and this is my opinion, that there are many more patriots, true Americans in our country than some media wants to acknowledge.
There are many more who fly American flags and have respect, than the media will ever report.
Our flag was flown everywhere after 9-11.
It is our common ground as Americans...a country's flag symbolizes the values of the country - red-valor, white - purity, blue-freedom, vigilance, perseverance, peace.

Watching the heroism shown on 9-11 from those who responded, those who sacrificed their lives -  listening to those family members who now pursue the legacy of the lives of their loved ones, gives me hope for our country, for our future.

Americans know the price of freedom. Americans know the meaning of sacrifice. Americans know what it means to respect and honor. America won't forget 9-11 and how freedom is under attack. Americans won't forget. Ever.
Standing together as America, we will fly our flag, honor, respect and value our freedom.

copyright. Diane Homm
                  September 11, 2018