Benched

 

 

Sometimes it's like being benched.

The only difference is,

I'm still doing things.

Going through the motions of life.

When deep inside I feel like a spectator

watching all the activity going on around me.

I'm on the team,

but not really

 a participant.

 

Yet, I know

Somehow,

even in this timeout

there is purpose.

 

I've talked about brokenness.

Some don't like that word.

'I'm not broken,' they say.

It's ok if they're not.

But, some don't think I should be broken

either.

I need to bounce back up.

Get back in the race.

Put on a happy face.

 

I can have a happy face.

I can have joy in my heart.

But, the brokenness is still there

in my heart.

 

In this timeout

I am learning everyday.

 

I know

I don't know anything much

apart from my Father.

I don't have answers, but I know He does.

He doesn't always share them with me, but it's all right.

It has to be.

Even if it isn't.

 

I don't know this me.

I'm not the same person.

Friends on this same journey have shared how it is true,

and it's normal.

 

Our lives do not return to 'normal.'

Life does not resume and continue like it was before.

It can't.

There is nothing about it that is the same.

Life is seen through different eyes.

 

Timeout.

Re-establish what is important.

I don't have the option of being elusive.

I don't have the energy to pretend.

Brokenness has shown me what I can embrace, and what to let go.

 

I'm still a toddler in this race.

Sometimes I get up, think I can do this, and fall back down.

A big, strong hand is always there to pick me up.

Hold me if I need it.

Balance me so I can stand.

I can't run this race without Him.

He looks me in the eye,

and encourages me

 to keep on going.

Keep on trusting.

Keep on believing.

 

It may look like I'm benched.

But I really am running.

The race is not mine alone.

He runs with me.

He's my coach, my mentor, my everything.

He ran it before me, and knows I can do this.

I've not taken the easy road.

But,  I really didn't have a choice.

The choice I have is whether to keep going-

To continue in the race,

or to withdraw.

I choose the race.

 

When I am in timeout,

 He is right there

coaching, reassuring, giving me pointers

to help me along.

Broken as I am

 I need him every minute of

every single day.

 

Benched?

That's the crazy thing about it.

It's like the guy who goes in,

plays with all his heart,

and the next thing you know he's on the bench again.

If you weren't watching you missed him.

 

Benched?

Maybe that's what it looks like,

even to me at times.

 

It may not look like I'm on the field, on the court,

standing guard, or making the plays.

 

It may not look like much,

But it's ok.

I know I'm suited up.

 

I will follow His lead

even if it's in timeout.

 

My coach knows the score.

He has no doubt.... 

and in the end -

We

win.

It's A Crazy World

 

It is a crazy world out there.
Therefore, today I will do cartwheels.
That's right, you heard me.
I'm going to flip through the day like a kid.

No worries.
No stress.
No conflict.

Lately, I've been introduced to trouble here, and torment there.
Criticism, and tears, and people wringing their hands, tearing out their hair because of
stuff.
No need to go into detail.
It's everywhere.
Misunderstanding.
 Slammed doors, and broken windows.

Wow.
The sad thing, it seems to be worse everyday.

There are lots of forces at work, this I know.
Visible, invisible...through words, actions.
Oh, sigh.

Ultimately, we are all broken people, somehow.
That's right.
There is not a single person who is so all together that he/she is perfection personified.
Sorry, if I burst your bubble.
Everybody has problems of some sort.
Everybody has some short-coming, and is dealing with something.

We are all trying to make it in this life.
Some are hurting worse than others.
So, after much ado,
I'm going to take a break from the dysfunction of the mouth,
from the noise that I can do nothing about.


What can I do?
Not a thing, about others.

But, I can back away.
I can take my troubles to the cross, and hide in the secret place where my Savior is.
He is the burden bearer.
He is the joy giver.
He is the One who makes it all worthwhile.

Sure, things in life can be difficult.
But, hey.
Today is a nice, cool, cloudy day.
The weather is calm - for right now.
The birds are singing.
I have a glass of water, an apple and peanut butter.
My roses are blooming, and happy old melodies play through my mind.
I have a honey of a husband out working cattle, and swathing hay.
I have five children, all accounted for, the treasures of my life - I love them, and they love me.

This ol' world can be like a merry-go-round.
We can get dizzy and sick from all of its  monkeying-merry-go-around 'stuff.'
We can also get off for a while.

I'm getting off for now.

Sit on a bench.
Sip some tea.
Enjoy a momentary lapse of memory about the troubles around.

I think I'll go play Frisbee with Griz.
The grass is wet, but I'm going to do cartwheels.
And,
I think I'll listen to some old happy music, too - like one of my favorite, the Monkees, 'Daydream Believer.'

P.S. Davy Jones can always make a girl smile. :)

 

Remembering To Hope

This morning I went to the cemetery to remove the flowers......


It is like I'm watching someone else, as I approach Caleb's spot.
The spot is beautiful with an array of flowers put there by family, friends, and
I don't know who else.
A solar flag stands behind the marker with Caleb's name.

This can't be my life...this can't be my son's name...
I pick up the wreath adorned with red, white and blue flowers.
A blue ribbon from the bow with the word "Hero," flutters in the wind reminding me of my reality.
I reach down and pick up an arrangement of flowers draped with a ribbon, printed with the word, "Hero."
That's my son.
"Hero."
How can this be?

The flags lining the site, dance in the wind -
the red, white and blue he honored, and gave his life for.
There are coins dropped at his spot, letting me know that visitors have paid respects to my fallen hero.
It's all beautiful, and takes my breath away as tears stream down my face.

I think I'm still in shock,
except the pain is searing and real.
I stand for a moment, thinking of my wonderful, amazing, hilarious son.
I can see his smiling face, hear his laughter ever so  clear in my heart.
How can it be, he is not here?
I want to turn back time, hug him again, tell him I love him, look at his smiling face,
and listen to his spontaneous wit, and wisdom.

This unwelcome reality is so hard....
The pain is so great I double over....
I breathe...
I brush away the tears, and take another deep breath.

I stand alone in the silence of the moment, as the wind whistles it's song.
Then,
Out of nowhere, a butterfly flies close to my face.
It flies past, and comes again.
I smile...                                                

My sign of hope.

I drive down the lane, leaving the cemetery.
This is my life.
I'm still in a daze
about this reality.


When I get home, I want to sleep and forget my reality for a while, but -
I mow our lawn instead.
A delivery man pulls up next door.
He waves as he approaches the neighbor's house.
He lost a son years ago.
An unspoken bond.

I continue to mow, deep in thought about a jumble of things...
Then, out of nowhere, like a stunt plane, right before my face,
a butterfly zooms past -
turns and comes back.
I step back in surprise.
There it comes again.
Like it's teasing me,
challenging me.
I smile.
Ok.                                                   
A sign.

I can do this.
Thank you God.
Thank you Caleb.

Selah.