"This time it's not going to hurt so much."
"You can do this."
But, you know what?
It doesn't matter what I think.
Today has been one of the hardest days ever.
Today I'm not swimming. I'm not treading water.
Today I'm struggling to keep my head above water.
Today the waves are rushing over me.
Today is that day.
Today as I tried to be strong, panic set in.
It's been a very long time since I'd experienced this.
I recognize a panic attack when it's trying to visit.
I knew I was trying to do too much.
I needed to stop.
To rest.
Not fun...
But real.
What to do....
I keep my eyes on my savior.
I continue to pray.
Eventually it passes.
I know I've said it before, but everyday is a new day.
Just because the years pass, it's all new all over again.
I've never been through this exact day before.
This is the only one.
Tomorrow will be a new day. One I've never experienced.
I feel like some may think, "Just get over it. Seriously? So, you had a hard time on Caleb's birthday, heaven going day....when his stuff came day....and today, the day of his memorial service.
What's the big deal? You know it's coming every year.
So how is it hard every single time?
Why can't you just move on and let it go?
You should be over it by now.
I can't explain it.
I simply can't.
It's just how it is.
These are huge marks in my life.
Huge.
I don't try to make them huge - they just are.
For the most part, days go by....
but every once in a while, the hugeness of the pain, the loss
comes back as if for the first time,
and I buckle.
Oh, I continue to pray.
I continue to hold onto my Savior's hand.
After all, He knows, understands, and gets me through.
A few days ago my husband and I saw the movie, The Shack.
In the movie there is a place where Mac has to go it alone for a short time.
He has to face some tough things.
Jesus says, "I'll be right here waiting for you."
I thought it was a bit strange, because Jesus says, "I'll never leave you, nor forsake you." But here was Mac having to face things alone -
or so it seemed.
He was really not alone.
You see, Wisdom was with him.
Jesus was faithful and was with him -even if he couldn't see him.
I say that to say,
days like this, I feel totally alone.
It's a path I walk alone with the pain that doubles me over....
the absence of this important life in the here and now is unbearable during these times.
Yet, I know without a doubt, that even though I FEEL alone -
I'm really not.
I know He is faithful and is with me.
The enormity of the heartache is almost too much, yet I know
I will make it through.
I am not super woman.
But I know a super God.
I am having a hard day.
But, it doesn't make me a weak person.
I am taking a step at a time.
That's what I can do.
It is enough.
Being real is not easy.
I'd much rather paint a picture of beautiful roses, but today,
the painting is of thorns.
When I started writing about this journey,
I was told by my Father to be real.
Being vulnerable opens wounds for others to see.
I told him I would write if it would help others
somehow.
Somehow, I hope my words help.
The journey goes along.
Sometimes it's just plain hard.
Being real, in this oh-so-human state,
I know He is with me and is patient.
He never lets go of my hand.
Tonight, I will lie down to sleep.
The balm of Gilead is mine, pouring healing salve on my broken heart.
His Word will bring comfort.
His presence, whether I feel it or not,
will be with me.
