When I Can't Stand Alone

I can't stand alone on any given day.
Abba Father is my strength everyday.
Yet, there are still times ....
A few days ago, I had a more difficult day.
It's February and other things, and it's just been hard.
I was talking to Abba Father and said,
Sometimes I don't feel you near!
That evening I was thinking about a way to verbalize how I was feeling.
I told my listening husband,
It's like that poem, Footprints.
I've been feeling like the person who says, "Where were you God, in those difficult
times. I see there is only one set of footprints during the toughest times." I'm paraphrasing.
God looks at me and says, "One set of footrpints, you say? Well, the reason is, during those very tough times I was carrying you."


I know He carries me, but sometimes he's so quiet when he does it.
He doesn't need to be.
I'm crying and saying things.
I'm sure not being quiet as I chat away.
My heart is heavy, things are tough, you know?
I may even be quoting his Word to him - Lord, you're my Shepherd.
I lack nothing...
Yes, things like that.


There are days when I say, I need some life poured into me.
Like invisible life-giving Gatorade.
I'm drained and tired from trying.
Yesterday I had no energy.
None.
I've found this happens after going to a funeral (and I had been to one a couple days ago.)
It takes a lot out of me.
Just a fact.


I prayed a bit.
I rested.
I'm one who tries to push herself, and tell myself, you've got to do, go, don't stop.
But, sometimes I just have to stop.


After a full, long night's rest I woke up
still drained.
I watched Doctor David Jeremiah.
I really didn't want to, but I did.
He was talking about how God loves me.
Yes, me.
He has unreasonable love for me.
As I listened, I felt a little lighter.
If He loves me, He knows right where I am.
If He loves me, won't He take care of all that concerns me?
If He loves me, won't He continue to be faithful?
If He loves me, well, He loves me.
Just the way I am.


I got dressed and went to church.
I sat down, and soon, a young family sat next to me.
Their little four month old baby boy bounced into my arms, and that's
all it took.
The sweetness of a baby.
Thank you God.
He loves me.
He knows I love babies.


After  church I spoke to two new Marines, fresh out of boot camp.
Two young men, standing tall like Marines do, speaking with such respect,
like Marines do, dressed sharp and neat - like Marines.
Humble from all they went through in boot camp to form them into the
Few The Proud.
Thank you God.
He loves me.
He knows I am a Marine mom forever.
It blessed me to hear their stories, to see the high and tights that I remember so well.


My husband came home with a bouquet of flowers - no not for Valentine's Day.
Thank you God.
He loves me...and so does my husband.
God and he know I love roses and hydrangeas.


My husband took me to a Valentine's lunch.
Crab legs and prime rib, along with Bananas Foster...
Thank you God, for the good food, and for the lady who asked
about the dog tags I was wearing.
I got to tell her about Caleb.


This afternoon I chatted with a special Gold Star mom, friend
whose son will be gone from this world, 7 years tomorrow.
Caleb's is coming soon.
We chatted.
We are there for each other, even if we live states apart.


Oh! I forgot something important.
I visited with a friend this morning and talked about heaven,
and how wonderful it will be.
We will be his bride.
We will be beautiful.
After church, as we were walking out, the organ was playing.
A button was pushed is my understanding, and
it started playing the Bridal Chorus.
I had to smile.
God was reminding me....
there is coming a day.


I am thankful.
I am mindful of God's love.
I am thankful for the one set of footprints, because I know he's carrying
me, whether I feel it or not.
You know,
If I stop, and look around,
sometimes I can tell.

In Eighteen Days

February 8, 2017.
In eighteen days it will be February 26.
In eighteen days it will be four years since you left this world.


I remember thinking I would not ever write again.
The still small voice was whispering, "Write."
I kept saying, no. I have nothing to say.
But he was persistent.
"Write."
I talk to Him a lot, and I said, Really. I don't have anything to say.
He spoke to my heart.
"Be real. Tell what you know."
"Just be real," He said again.


Are you kidding?
I'm supposed to be real?
This is the hardest, most painful, experience I've ever had.
This is the most difficult thing I've ever gone through.


"I know."


If you have a relationship with Abba Father, you know what I'm talking about.
He is kind, but if we listen, he will guide us - in ways that are not always comfortable.
Most of the time they are not comfortable.
He doesn't deal in comfort.
That is not a priority.


I tried arguing with Him.
I have nothing.
No one wants to hear this.
But, in his gentle, loving voice, he kept saying,
"Write.
Be real."


So, I finally gave in.
Ok. I will.
If it will help others, I will do it.
I could feel his love, his
caring and understanding.
He would help me.


It's not easy being transparent, as I've said through the past three, almost four years.
Here I am again.
Being real.
It still hurts like crazy.
This month of February is always hard.
I don't care what anyone says, the calendar turns, and there it is.
Fresh pain.
I've never been here before.
Yesterday I've been through.
Last year, I've been through.
But, every single day is new...
it's a new experience of pain, of change.


This separation time is too huge to understand.
I can say Caleb is in heaven.
I can say Caleb was killed.
But, it's like another person speaking through my voice about someone
I know, but it's beyond comprehension
for it to be me, to be Caleb....
even though I hear the words.


I talked to a couple of special friends yesterday.
Both have sons in heaven.
We cried together.
NO. It is not easy.
No, it doesn't go away or get better.
(foot stomping here)
Some days are a little easier, but over all
everyday we have to deliberately choose to do things.
We live intentionally and on purpose.
Our Abba Father gives us strength, gives us joy that goes beyond
our broken hearts.


It's hard to think of anyone not remembering our children.
That is the scariest feeling of all.
That is what I think - what other moms have told me.
It's hard that they are gone.
It's hard going on everyday.
But the hardest thing to deal with is thinking that our loved ones will be forgotten.


Reading some posts brought me to tears.
I've seen it on other moms walls, I've seen it on other people's walls.
A picture of the loved one gone to heaven, with a friend.
Others post about the friend who is still alive and make jokes and say funny things.
Nothing is said about the one who isn't here....
it 's like they don't exist.
"Hey, Dude. Growing your hair out?"
Hey, dude.
I know you aren't trying to be mean
and you're just being funny,
but it breaks a mom's heart, because
we just want someone to honor our loved ones -
Recognize who they are, how they lived and gave...
that they were here.


It's just how a mom with a broken heart feels.


Oh, Caleb, Caleb, Caleb.
Your sunshiny disposition is missed so very much.
I want the world to remember you, and honor you
forever.
I know it's not in my control.
I know there will be things that will be hurtful.
Ugh.


This journey is not one I'd want for anyone.
The club I was forced to join is filled with thousands of parents just like me.
We didn't want to be here.
We didn't choose this life.
We would much rather not be in this club.


One time a friend of mine was asked about the Gold Star parents.
"How do you join this club?"
The reply -
The dues are way too high.
You don't ever want to join.
The life of my son/daughter was the price to be in this exclusive
club.


We didn't have a choice.
We couldn't say, "No thanks."


February is a hard month.
It just is.


I'm reminded of my son's life everyday.
I love hearing stories about him, and seeing pictures of him.


February, I want to honor Caleb.
That's all......


I love you Caleb.
I love you forever.

Googling Tomorrow

I googled tomorrow and what did I get?
A definition.
The day after today.
Not much.


My life is a series of minutes that move and stand still.
My life is full of surprises,
and I don't know's.


It's crazy, this walk I'm on.
You just never know what is going to upset the apple cart and send apples
scattering all over.
I'd try to pick them up but, they usually scatter so far and wide, I sit in amazement
that it happened at all.


Life is not the same.
I've said that before, but it never ceases to surprise, overwhelm and knock me
off my feet.
New ideas, new directions are not small potatoes.


I have been content to be in my own little corner in my own little house,
and when I'm asked to step out of this now familiar lifestyle,
it is huge.


How did I know that the mention of doing something new would upset my life like this?
I'm content living in my corner of the world...anything new is huge.
I started crying at the aspect of adding anything new to my life.
It's like I'm moving away...but I'm not.
I will never leave my son behind.
I will take Caleb with me wherever I go, whatever I do.


It's scary. I'll just say it, because it is.
I am not the person I was.
I don't know this person, and it's like I'm in a foreign land.
Maybe I did things in the past, but this person has never
done this - whatever it is.
It's a whole new experience, whatever it is.


I was unprepared for the rush of emotions that flooded my being.
I'm unfamiliar with me.
I'm unfamiliar with life as it is.
I'm unfamiliar with most everything.

I Can Because

I awaken to the darkness around me.
Like being covered with a heavy fleece blanket, I want to kick it off.


I wait a few minutes, and let the fleece of darkness settle in.
It is soft and comforting.
The world is not awake yet. There are no distractions.
My sobs lay silent on my pillow as I cry out to my Lord
with no words.
I want to say, "I can't."
I want to stop time, and go back to innocent days.
I want to cry out, and toss this blanket of darkness away,
but I know I can't.
My heart is wracked with chards of sorrow, and tomorrow looms ahead.
For now, I wrap up in this blanket and know that
even though I don't understand,
He does.


Lyrics of an old song pop into my mind -

"I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does..."
(written by Arthur Kent and Sylvia Dee, recorded in 1962

by Skeeter Davis.)

Some days  I wake up like that.

Then, after the sobbing subsides,

I get up, pet Griz and let him out.

By that time, sunlight is breaking through, like cool, clean sheets.

It's a fresh, new day, filled with unknowns.

I don't know what news each day will bring.

Today I hold tightly to my Father's hand.

He has all things in control.

It's not easy for me to just hold on.

I want to know the why's of his plans.

I want to uncover the reasons.

Yet, I know, no matter what each day brings

his grace is sufficient.

He has proven that to me over and over.

I like to say it this way -

his grace is as big as we need it to be.

It will be as big as we need it to be, when we need it,

and not before.

Like manna.

The people in Moses' day couldn't stuff manna in their pockets for later.

It would spoil, rot, and just was not edible for that late night snack.

However, they always had plenty for each day.

The next day, there was manna - enough for another day.

So it is with grace.

It isn't there before you need it.

It's always there in abundance just when you need it.

This I know.

My devotional this morning -

"The future is like a huge mountain looming in front of you....You don't know what will happen to day, much less tomorrow....But I promise that if  I ask you to climb that mountain, I will give you everything you need to reach the top....And I will be right by your side every step of the way."

For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go. (Psalm 91:11)

In your strength I can crush an army; with my God I can scale any wall. (Psalm 18:29)

For we live by faith and not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7)

They will lift you up in their hands so you will not strike your foot against a stone. (Psalm 91:12)

(Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.)

He sees the future.

He holds my hand.

He makes the sun to shine and the stars to twinkle.

He is faithful.

I can because He is my rock, my strength.

I can because He is sufficient.

Selah.




Copyright © 2017 Diane Homm. All Rights Reserved