I see your face.
I see your smile.
I miss you more than I am able to express.
There are no words for this kind of missing.
Nothing can explain or compare to how missing you feels.
I still stop and gasp when the thought hits.
You're not here.
You're not coming home to us on this earth at any time.
I can't take that thought in.
It's too excruciating.
"Not ever again," is too final.
As much as I miss you,
as low as I can sink when it gets unbearable,
as much as I cry at times,
Still, I know.
I know I will see you again - face to face.
I know I will hear your laugh again with pure joy.
I know I will get to listen to your voice again.
I know that I know that I know.
Sure, I can hardly stand those times when the missing you punches me in the stomach.
This earth is not the same, and never will be, since you're not here in person.
It's dreadful hard.
No mistake about it.
I feel like I just have to see you - and I know I can't.
I feel like I just have to hear your voice again - and I know I won't.
I feel like I just have to hug you again - and I know my arms will reach into empty air.
I want to call you - and I know, yes I know.....
There are times I so much want to see you walk through the door, or have you lean on the kitchen counter and talk to me like you used to....
I tell you, it's the most painful thing to experience -
knowing that little baby you carried in your tummy,
that little boy whose life you bore, nurtured, loved and followed, that adult whose life was so amazing,
is just not here in this world, and you still are.
It's crazy and lopsided, inside out and backwards
that I, or any parent should be forced to accept this awful outcome of a child's life here, this unreal separation
because, don't you know - observing and being part of your children's lives is
the greatest of all gifts this life has to offer.
How does a parent find acceptance and resolution with such cacophony?
I have no answers.
It hurts.
And how would you expect someone to pack it all away and go on the merry-go-round of
life in a lackadaisical frenzy of meaningless guffaws, and song?
As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't happen that way.
All the pursuance of well-meaning,empty, good ol-boy slaps on the back
won't make it true.
So, I hang up my hat, and sit.
I sigh and fold my arms.
It's a private road, this road.
The only people on it are those who have no choice.
I'd say lonely, but it's not.
Not really.
Yet feeling alone is part of it, because sometimes the feelings are hard to express.
It hurts - a lot.
It's heartbreaking,
and yet somehow there is strength, a moment at a time.
"Somehow" is that inner strength that comes from heaven,
that comes from knowing every day is a day closer to the day when this road diverges and meets eternity.
Oh, Caleb -
because of your character, because of your life,
I look up.
I do.
As hard as it is now,
I know one day there will be only Sonshine, and the hardness of this time will melt away.
I'm proud of you.
I'm strengthened by the Love we share that lasts beyond this life.
I so look forward to see your smiling face again.
You know,
I will give you the biggest mom hug ever.
I can't wait!
I love you Caleb, my son.
Forever.
