The Knock At The Door - Remembering

The knock at the door.
It's burned into our memories forever.

I just read a post from a fellow Gold Star mom...two years since that knock at her door that changed her life forever.
When I read her post, my heart skipped a beat.
I knew exactly what she was talking about.
It's one of the those things...

There have been nights I've been up late, working at my computer.
I'll see car lights coming down our street.
My heart will go to my throat, and I'll gasp.

I remind myself - "No. That car is not coming to your house.
That night is over."

Heaven forbid anyone would come to our door late at night.

So many of us have had that knock at the door with the news
of our loved ones in the military.

Like grief, the memory doesn't just go away because it's over now.
The knock at the door was something we were drilled about.
"If you see two men in uniform coming to your door, you will know your loved one is not coming home.
You will not hear about their death on the phone or any other way.
You will get a knock at your door."

It was something we knew.
Something we didn't want to think about.

There was one time, when Caleb was deployed....
I had been running at the track, and had walked home through the alley.
When I walked toward our driveway, I saw a vehicle parked by our house.
It was gray...and looked like a government vehicle.
My heart sank, and I can still remember that feeling of dread.
"No."
I wanted to turn and run the other way, but I kept walking...not wanting to look on our porch.
"No, God. No." I prayed.
It was a horrible feeling.
I got to our porch and no one was there.
Once inside, I stood and prayed.
"No, God....please, no."
Time ticked away, and when I looked out, the car was gone.

I never found out who it was, but that was ok.
I was so relieved...my son was ok.

Years past, and I prayed and trusted God.
Caleb deployed again...he went places for training - dangerous training...

The night we got the knock at the door, THAT was not even a thought.
When I got up and went to the door that morning at one-thirty, I still wasn't thinking it could be THAT.
When I saw the two uniformed Marines standing there, it didn't register...
When they told me there had been an accident, it still didn't hit....
My mind is blank as to exactly what was said after I told them they shouldn't be at my house.
They just didn't come to my house, that was all there was to it.

Even though I don't remember exactly what was said, that traumatic early morning
is burned in my memory.
Oh, I don't have to entertain the thought - when certain things happen, the memory is triggered.

My heart goes out to this mom who is now two years on her grief journey.
The comfort I find in all of this, is that we are there for each other.
We know the feeling....

All of our lives changed forever with that knock at the door.
Our loved one was not coming home.
Devastating heartbreak.

Our hearts/lives are forever linked in sorrow, and loss.
Not only that, but we are linked together in faith and hope.
Faith in what we don't see now, knowing that faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Hope in a tomorrow when we will be with our loved ones again.

One day there will be a knock at the door of our lives and we will get to go home.
What a day that will be!
Sorrow, and separation will be no more.
We will be with those we love forever.

For now, we support each other.
We pray for each other.
When another gets that knock at the door
We lend a hand, a hug, an ear
and a nod that says,
"I understand.
It's tough, but you don't have to walk this journey alone.
Ever."

Lord, there are so many hurting, broken hearts and lives. Days may go by, but our broken hearts ache for our loved ones. We wake up having to realize once again, it is true. What a hard reality. Thank you for your gentle mercy. Thank you, that even though we don't understand the why, we know that You carry us through these most difficult times of our lives.
In Jesus' name.
Amen.

Grief upon Grief/My Mom

Death jumps out whenever it wants.
Shocking, and heartbreaking.
Again and again,
it snatches away those we love.
This life is temporary, and knowing there is a heaven beyond is wonderful,
but it is the here and now that is hard.
I don't think we are ever prepared for it.

Recently, my mom passed away.
Words - there are none.
Sometimes we weep in silence, in private, where the world cannot enter.

Memories are precious.
They are kept in a secret place, and help us through the tough times, taking us to a better time and place.
Today, here are a few I can share-

I remember -
The times she told me stories of growing up on their ranch near Wagon Mound, New Mexico.
She and her brother tap-dancing at local events.
The country school she attended and her teacher, Miss Lampe.
She always had a smile when she recollected those days.

The story of how she and my dad met at a roller skating rink.
Some of my fondest memories are of the two of them skating together...how they could dance on skates.
They glided and turned, and made it look so easy.

She introduced me to many things that helped mold me into the person I am today....

Music - I remember her listening to those old 45s - "Blueberry Hill," by Fats Domino, and there was, "Diana," by Paul Anka.
There were albums, like  The Tijuana Brass, Lawrence Welk, Chet Atkins - oh and the time she bought me my own 45s - Christmas carols like Frosty the Snowman, and Deck The Halls.
She and my dad got me a piano when I was probably in first grade, and my mom drove me to piano lessons for years. And when I graduated from high school - my graduation gift was a new piano.

Books - I remember times  she took me to the library when I was just a little girl. I loved the smell of the books, and all those shelves of books that seemed to reach the ceiling. Sometimes she would bring books home for me. Oh, and there were the comic books - when I was a little tot, she worked at Newberry's and would bring home the old comic books - I used to look forward to those, especially, "Little Lulu."

Theater - we would go to plays and music events at the college - those were the days of Peter, Paul, and Mary - and Camelot.

Movies - I remember when we went to see Pollyanna, Parent Trap and Gone With The Wind - still some of my favorite movies.

Current events/politics - my mom worked for the county clerk for many years, and election was always a big deal. I remember watching as they worked and counted up votes as they came in. Knowing who was running, and what they stood for was always important to know.

I am always thankful for the education she and my dad made sure I received. I attended private school for eight years. It was strict, and the education was exceptional. My close walk with God was nourished there with Bible stories and Mass every morning.

She and my dad were faithful in attending all the school functions I was a part of - and there were many. They could be counted on for rides, and support, always.
I remember prom dress shopping - we'd go out of town to a little boutique where I'd always find the perfect dress.

My thirteenth birthday,  My mom and I planned a skating party. Very fitting for our lives. What fun.
My sixteenth birthday- she and my best friend Corinne Smith were able to pull off a surprise party for me. I remember that day so well. What a wonderful surprise.

I remember so many times when I'd start laughing over something silly, and eventually she and I would both be laughing uncontrollably.
We had some fun adventures, and oh those nights when we'd stay up late and talk.

I always thought she was beautiful, and loved how she wore her hair back in the sixties and seventies - when women wrapped their hair to keep it nice till the next trip to the beauty shop.
She had beautiful nails, and I always admired how she dressed. My grandma was a talented seamstress, and made the beautiful clothes my mom (and I) wore...once my grandma made look alike dresses for us to wear to a wedding. I thought that was the coolest thing ever.

Life wasn't always easy for my mom. She went through many years battling and beating cancer.
When I was in the hospital giving birth to my daughter, she was on a different floor having a mastectomy.
Years later, when my daughter got married, she was going through chemo.

I know there were many things she didn't understand in this difficult life, but I know she always reached out to God.
She lost two children when they were infants. She lost her parents when she was just in her thirties.

Now, I know she is at peace. There is no more pain or suffering. All those knots and pieces are behind her, as she looks and can see the other side - the completed quilt of her life.
The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:12 -  Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

She is with her parents, Sam and Delia Miller. She is with her two children, my younger sister, Deborah, and my youngest brother, James.

In this sorrow, there is joy in knowing she is whole now.

She is my mom. I am her daughter. There is love that goes beyond this life into eternity.

Here is a song my mom liked, a song she liked me to sing...My Heart Is Like A House.
This is for you Mom.

And on that day he shall wipe away every tear from our eyes.
Selah.