Missing Caleb

I can go along for a while,
keeping busy,
wearing a smile.
Then, it happens.

I think of it as a reservoir.
My 'miss you' reservoir.
Today it's full, full to overflowing.


That  'miss you' part of me -
That place where Caleb is supposed to be.


There are so many times I think, "Oh, I've got to tell Caleb about this!"
Something happens, I hear from someone he knows,
someone he knows has a job change, someone gets married, has a new baby...
and I just want to call or text, to visit, to let him know.

I don't care how long it's been, there are days like today
where I can hardly stand it.
 I wake up thinking how
I've got to see Caleb.

The gut-wrenching, tear-your-heart-apart feeling brings
me to my knees.

The reservoir is full to bursting.
Tears come.
Uncontrollable sobbing.
I miss my son.

I remember the mom who told me six years ago,
"Oh, there will come a day when you stop, and think,
'wow, I didn't think about him once, today...there will come a time when you won't think about him."
Ha!
I can't speak for any other parent,
but this parent thinks about all her children every single day.
Caleb is always going to be part of my life,

I miss him so much today.
Tears are flowing out of the reservoir,
I think of the bottle in heaven,
"You keep track of my sorrows. You have collected all my tears
in your bottle, You have recorded each one in your book." ~ Proverbs 58:6
My 'bottle' has got to be huge.

Caleb, today is a very hard day without your physical self here.
I think it's been long enough and you need to come home, now.
I remember those thoughts when you were deployed, or training or contracting for long periods of time.
But, this?!
This is so much harder. You won't be surprising me by calling, or walking through the front door.
You won't be HERE, in your room, with music playing.
You won't be jumping out and scaring me, only to make me laugh till I cried.
You won't be hanging out in the kitchen while I cook, sampling this or that.
You won't be watching some old movie with me, and at the end saying,"i can't believe I watched that with you."
You won't be revving up your Harley, waving as you drive down the street.
You won't be saying, "Love you, Mom. See you later," when you have to leave or hang up.

I hate the finality of our time here on this earth together.

Days like this, I cling to that hope that brings joy in the depths of all the tears.
I will see you again.
I will hear you again,
I will hug you again.
You will make me laugh again, and tell me 'what's going on.'

Random memories will cross my mind, and recently I thought of the impressions you would do. You did such a good job, and would make me laugh so hard.
Remember the Cosby impersonation about the pudding?

No matter what, you bring a smile to my face, to my heart.
Oh, but I miss you.
No amount of time will ever change that.

Eternity is ours.

I love you, Caleb.


copyright@diane homm 07/17/2019