Caleb's Hiking Boots

Today I opened one of your boxes.
There they were.
Your
hiking boots, headgear.
Signs of your life,
things you enjoyed doing.
Those hiking boots had seen lots of wear.

I remember you talking to me about some of your adventures.
Rappelling,
Climbing in the desert.
I saw videos of some of your journeys.
Steep, narrow crevices.
High, vertical rocks and cliffs.
And there you were...
Big smile on your face.
You loved your life.

Seeing your boots
broke my heart.
All those miles of living...
Now
empty, silent soles
in a box.

Yet, as I looked at them
I could hear your voice as you trekked up mountains with your buddies, laughing, joking, giving each other a hard time.
I could feel your hands, rough and torn from grabbing hold of branches or jagged edges.
I could see your strength as you pulled yourself up, muscles strained and strong.
So many scenarios of your active life crossed my mind.

Sigh....
Those boots
told your stories.
Now they rest.
I'm sad.

I shut the box, and ran upstairs.
Sobs escaped
again.

It doesn't seem right.
Nothing makes sense right now.
Although I know that I know God's Word is true,
everything has changed in this life.
Nothing is certain.
I have no control over much, really....probably the way it should be.
I don't feel lost - I know where I'm bound in the end.
But right now, everything seems amiss.

Life goes on and I am a spectator....going and doing, yet feeling disconnected.

I thought I had direction, but right now I see flashing red lights, hear sirens
and I stand still, wanting to run, but knowing this is where I am.
There is a detour, a huge roadblock.
Where to go from here?

Life does go on.
There has to be purpose through all this.
God holds my life in his hands.
The little time allotted is hazy right now.

Maybe one day I'll look at Caleb's hiking boots, think of the miles he covered, and I'll be able to smile.
Right now it breaks my heart that those boots won't climb with his feet marking their steps.

Like the psalmist, I cry out in the depths, and I know my God is there.
Oh how Caleb's miles of living has testified of a life well lived.

I look at my Father and say, my life is in your hands.
I don't understand too much....except that you are God and I am not.
I know that your Word is true and you have to be carrying me.

I cry out, Abba.
Carry on Father.
You say this present suffering is nothing compared to the riches of the glory to come.
I believe.
Even now -
Yes, Father.
I believe.

Christmas in July/Christmases When You Were Mine

I can hear it now,
What? Christmas in July?
It's not even close to December.
This commercialism has gone too far!

I have a confession to make.
My children will testify.

When they were growing up, I thought it would be fun to play Christmas carols in July.
That was long ago, before it was the cool thing to do in the middle of summer - get it? Cool?
Ok.
There were no advertisements for Christmas in July back then.
Imagine my surprise when it became a media frenzy years later.
Pshaw.
I'd been celebrating Christmas in July for years....without the
decorations and gifts.
Just the music,
and thoughts of the meaning.

I always thought Christmas should be celebrated all year long.
Why try to cram everything nice in one month or one day?
I thought we should bake for our neighbors one month.
Send cards another month.
Visit and spread cheer everyday.
You know, spread the love of Christmas all year.
I don't know how well that would catch on, but I think it would be great to get Christmas cards in August.
Then, December wouldn't be such a stressful month of goodness.
Don't try to give me the 'I don't get caught up in all that stuff,' or 'I don't get stressed.'
Bah humbug if you don't.

I love Christmas - that was why I played carols in July.
I remember one day when the children were fairly small,
I loaded up a picnic basket, and we piled in the car to go to Bonnie Dam (rest her dry soul).
On the way, I put in a Christmas cassette (long ago, yes).
Windows were down, and "Joy To The World" and "Rocking Around The Christmas Tree"
filled the summer air.

Those were the days.
We were all together, laughing, and having a good time.
I'm thinking we (at least some of us) were singing along.
It was great.

Caleb loved Christmas.
July twenty-fifth I came across a radio station playing Christmas carols all day.
I listened, sang, thought of Caleb and yes, a tear or more (ok, more) fell down my cheeks.

I could see his smile and hear him singing.
I'm not sure where I'll be in December...whether I'll be able to write about Christmas or not,
but yesterday it warmed my heart because I knew Caleb so enjoyed Christmas - and if you knew him you know he also liked
Taylor Swift.

So, Merry Christmas in July.
This song is for you my son -

Christmases When You Were Mine - Taylor Swift.

A Look At Death/That 'D' Word

It's unknown territory for me....
Trying to deal with this broken down life in a broken down world.
I heard from a friend of mine.
Some friends of his lost their six year old son yesterday in a swimming accident.
The intense heartbreak of that couple has to be horrific.

I've been trying to come to terms with the enormity of....what else can you call it -
loss, myself.

Their son, my son, your daughter, his wife, her sister....it goes on.
The 'd' word runs rampant in the world.
It doesn't matter what your status is, or how closely you walk with God and do the right things.
The 'd' word is in this world and can come to your house, too.

I've been thinking and praying about it for a while.
It doesn't make sense how young lives have been snatched away...just like that.
God is big.
Why doesn't he just stop this nonsense from happening and breaking our hearts?
He can do anything, can't he?
Or can he?

This is what I think.
I'm not telling anyone else what to think.
I'm not saying I know anything or that anybody should agree with me.
It's just a thought.
Got it?
I'm not an expert by any means.
Just thinking, maybe....
Here's my take on the whole 'd' word....

The 'd' word came into the world with Lucifer the beautiful, narcissistic angel of music who was jealous of God and wanted the glory for himself.
When he got kicked out of heaven, he took some stupid angels with him and they started their campaign of death and destruction because there was nothing good in them, only evil.

God created Adam and Eve - beautiful, happy, alive forevermore in the Garden of Eden.
It was the way it was supposed to be.
But, because evil himself was around, he decided to try to destroy what God created in his image.
So, he tempted them.
I'm thinking he may have been tempting them, breaking them down before the day of the forbidden fruit.
So that day when he showed up, Eve was already entertaining negative, doubt-filled 'what ifs'.
When evil mentioned eating the fruit, she thought, why not.

Evil knew he was bound for hell - a horrible place just for him and his angels, but he didn't want to go there alone. Who better to take with him than God's prized creation, man created in God's image.

It worked.
Sin entered with disobedience and with it, the 'd' word.
Thanks for eating the forbidden fruit, Adam and Eve - it takes two, you know.
So, they were banished from the Garden of Eden where we'd all be living if it hadn't been for evil, temptation and disobedience.

That is when the 'd' word began to be a household name.
Cain killed Abel.
Death had begun.
Adam died.
Eve died.
I believe every time someone died, God was sad.
He hated death, but because man had listened to evil, there it was.
I'm not saying those people went to hell, that's a topic for another day. I'm just saying they died...the 'd' word is what this is about.
The thing about God, is he gives his creation freedom. He is not a dictator or manipulator. He shows us the right way, so we can avoid heartache and pain, but he gives us the freedom to choose.
Adam and Eve chose death, and so it was.

What could God do? There was only one way to overcome eternal death and damnation, and that was to end it himself, and he could only do that by allowing death and sin to enter his body so he could destroy it.
That's when he sent Jesus, the living Word made flesh.
Jesus accounted for our sins and died, taking all the ugliness of evil on himself.
He overcame death so it had no sting.
Sure, people would still die on this earth because of sin, and our mortality, but the sting was gone because Jesus took the keys to hell, and had the keys to heaven. Heaven's gates were open for his creation again. He died, went to hell, overcame all its grotesque ugliness and rose to life everlasting giving all of us the right to go there.

I believe death is the worst sin has to offer, that's why it's so horrible, why it hurts so, so bad.
It's irregular, unnatural.
We were never supposed to experience it.
Because we experience it, God has, too.
He understands everything we go through.
I believe he hurts, too, being separated from us. He loves us.
When we accept the gift of Jesus' life for our death, he knows he will be with us again.
Until then, he misses us and hurts, too - death separates people who love.

The Bible says, "Death where is your sting?"  Death does not have preeminence over our lives because Christ gave death a lethal blow by his life.
So! The terrible hurt is because death is not the norm for God's creation...it is a result of the evil one and the weakness of mankind. The victory in it is that Jesus overcame death and the grave once and for all when he went there and took the keys of sin and death.

When a believer passes from here, he goes from life to life.
Caleb went from this life to heaven's life.
My friend's friends' son walked into the arms of Jesus.
That lessens the blow.
We have hope.

However hurtful death is in this life, there is an eternal life waiting for us and no weapon can stand against that.
As difficult as it is for me to come to terms with the 'd' word, it helps to know heaven is real. I know Jesus is real and eternal life is ours.

 I like what one evangelist said. He said Christians should change how they talk about the 'd' word. Your loved ones aren't dead. He was saying one day that death is not death to the believer-- it is changing location.  John 11 says that whoever believes in Him shall never die!

When we leave this world, we pass from life to eternal life.  I love knowing that.

My thoughts have also been on heaven and earth and reality.  I'll save that for another time.
In the meantime, thanks for taking time to share in my thoughts.

Be at peace.
Selah.

Just Another Day in Paradise

The sun is bound to shine today.
It peers in through the morning shadows.
Ah.....
It's another day in paradise.

Lord, this morning, like every morning, I wake knowing you are there.
It  doesn't take long before the reality is there as well.

"This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it."
It is how I have started my days for many years.
I remember when I first started saying that verse.
It was a long, long time ago.
It was a difficult  time, filled with uncertainty.

I didn't know what the future held.
But, I knew Who held my future.
I threw my broken life on the altar, and cried out to my Father.
I'd lie in bed, and say the verse
over and over.

Did my troubles go away?
No.
But, saying the words reassured me of the truth of the Word I believed in.
Peace came in the midst of uncertainty.
That was so long ago...Sigh.
Yes.
God got me through.
His victory lived in my life and He healed every broken place.


Today is a new day.
The wound of my broken heart is still open and raw.
Everyday it's like it's new all over again - the deep laceration of hurt and separation breaks in all over again.

I hear people say it will get better -
People who have years of experience behind them.
I don't dispute what they say.
They are where they are.
They know.
From where I am....
Well,
I can't imagine that right now.

Yet, somehow I make it through each day.
Each new day.

Yes, I do rejoice.
I know that I know where Caleb is.
He's just moved beyond my life.
That's the great and hard part.
Where he's moved I can't be right now.

I do rejoice.
I know who my Father is.
I know who my Savior is.
I know He is faithful.
I know in Whom I hope.

This is the day the Lord has made.
There is a reason I'm still here.
It is for his purpose.

One of my favorite sayings is,
 "There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still." ~ Corrie ten Boom
It's true.
God reaches into my brokenness and picks me up everyday.
In this broken state, he is there.
He carries me.
It is through Christ that I move, and breath and have my being.
In this I do rejoice.
It is how I make it through the day.

That's how it is here in paradise.

Carry me, Lord. On my knees I stand. You are my strength and my salvation. You are the Lord of my life. It is in You that I have hope. I rejoice in you. You give me the manna of your Word everyday. You are my light and my covering for each day. I am so thankful that you are strong. You are filled with compassion. You love me, and know my very heart. There is  nothing hidden from You. I am here, your child, open arms, and broken. Your grace is sufficient. You are more than enough.
Abba Father, I love you, and because of your son I come.
In Jesus I hide.
Amen.

Steve Camp sings, "Carry Me."

Happy Birthday America /Because of The Brave

Happy Birthday America.
For two hundred thirty-seven years you have survived.
There has been bloodshed.
There has been heartache.
There has been victory, prosperity.
There have been times of hardship, and times of harvests of plenty.


In 1776,  the Declaration of Independence was introduced, and with it, the knowledge and foresight of the high cost of freedom.

Happy Birthday America.
So many didn't think you'd make it.
Some still think you won't.
There are those who love you and will stand for you, and die for you.
There are those who hate what you stand for and try to tear you apart from the inside out.

Happy Birthday America.
Yes.
You are the land I love.
You are the land that so many have sacrificed for,
willing to come from foreign lands to grace your soil,
-willing to fight for it.
-willing to die for freedom.

Happy Birthday America.
I believe in you.
Many have given their lives through history, believing in the Declaration of Independence, "..that we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Happy Birthday America.
Today I celebrate with pride.
My son is part of the celebration.
Because of him, and men like him,
we can freely raise our US flags, and understand what it means to be free.

It is not without sacrifice.
It is with determination and a belief in the foundation of this country.
It is with perseverance and the integrity of honest men and women that we remain who we are today.

When I see the American flag, it brings hope, and gratitude to my heart.
My son died for the red, white and blue.
His life, his death - and of those before and after him will always
be engrafted in the colors of freedom.
That, is what I see when I see American flags in our neighborhoods.
That is what I see when I see flags in our business districts and windows.
That is what this mother holds dear as she joins with others in our fine country today
to celebrate another birthday.

Happy Birthday and God Bless America.

Memorial Day and Columbines

God knows what I need.

I was surprised when I saw Columbines growing in my flower garden.
I'm usually not very successful with flower or vegetable gardens, or plants in general.
The Columbines made me smile.
I have plants that are still alive, and now I have living flowers in my garden!
It's like a little bit of heaven peeking in on me.


 Memorial Day was a difficult day.
After writing about the dread I had of the day, I thought I should follow-up.


I got up early and went to the cemetery to put flags around the perimeter of Caleb's plot.

Yes, I'm one of those moms.
I always put flags out when Caleb was coming home.
In fact, during bootcamp I put a flag out for every week he was gone. He was gone sixteen long weeks.
I'd line the driveway with flags when he came home on leave.
I put flags out for every month he was deployed to Iraq, and Afghanistan.

I lined our driveway with flags when the Mayflower moving van made its last delivery of his belongings a few months ago.
It's what I did.
So, it seemed the normal thing for me to do.

I'd made an arrangement with flowers and big leaves (they reminded me of California, where he enjoyed living) and placed it over the dirt, that will hopefully be filled in with grass one day.

I'm glad I went to the service at the cemetery.
I actually did all right through most of it - sort of - until Taps was played.
Listening to Taps has  always made me want to cry.
But now, like Memorial Day, it is personal.
Taps is for my son.
Needless to say, tears trickled down my cheeks as I listened to the hushed melody.

I made it through the day,
 - with a little help from my friends.
My help comes from the Lord, and He sends friends to help lift my arms.
I am humbled and grateful for His constant care.

I must confess, I made more than one trip to the cemetery on Memorial Day.
I just had to be there.
I'd stand by Caleb's plot, and just look....
I played Carole King's "Child of Mine," the song
I'd sing when I'd think of Caleb in the Marines -
overseas, in tough training...just being away from home.

Tears flowed.
I sang along.
The lyrics were so true.

 I looked at the name plate.
"SSGT. Caleb Medley."
Unreal.
Yet, his life had gone full circle.
He did what he was called to do.
He finished his race.
He was home free.
No regrets.

In the sadness, there is peace,
even if I feel like my heart is being pulled through a razor fence every moment I'm awake.

Like I mentioned before, my memorial day is everyday.
But, there is hope-even through the sorrow.

It's noticing the little things - like the  Columbines in my garden.
It's seeing that my house plants are still alive.
It's hearing from my recon family.
It's meeting with my sweet, supportive friends.
It's walking my dog through the rain and feeling the refreshing sprinkles.

I am grateful.

In my lowliness, He lifts me up.

3 AM There Is Light

Awake at 3am.
In a few hours I shall attend the Memorial Day service.
I battled with the thought of going, but I know I will

Difficult?
Very.

Anguish of heart, and yet,
I must go on.
I must.

When I woke up the words to an old song rang through my mind.
The cross before me,
the world behind me.
No turning back.
No turning back.

I have no choice in my life.
With the last ounce of piercing pain at being separated from my son,
I cry out.
Nail pierced hands hold me.
It is how it is for me.
With each gut-wrencing cry,
hope sustains me even though there is no adequate description of how it hurts.

The cross before me.
It is how it is in my life.

Gethsemane.
I see Him, crying out, but there was no turning back.
No.
There is no turning back.

As difficult as it is,
this is my call in life now.
The road is narrow but...
there is light ahead.
So it is.

He carries me...through shadows dark.
He sustains me...

Though none go with me, still I will follow.
I know there are others on this rugged road.
Hearts broken and lives changed forever.

With every ounce of my being.
He takes my broken heart and life and
comforts and sooths my soul.

There is no pretense here...what good would that do?
Though it is hard, where else could I go, but to You.

In the morning, when the sun shines through,
I will arise and praise you.
You are  my strength, my shield.
My strong tower on this battlefield.
I have no place,
But to your arms I run.
You are my God, the faithful One.