My Son Caleb

How can I condense everything I'm thinking, feeling, into words?
Caleb.
Born the 25th.
Departed this life the 26th.
Caleb,
It was like you were here for one day. One glorious day -
and you made every second of that one day count.
You, my child, my treasure.
So many have said, "A parent should never lose a child. It is not the way it's supposed to be."
No. It isn't.
When a child is born, no parent thinks he/she will have to say good bye till eternity, to that son/daughter.
No. It is out of order, and feels so backwards. Nothing about it seems right.

I felt so lost on your birthday.
Whether you were home or deployed, or in training somewhere,
 I sent my love, and joy at having you, my son.
We'd talk or text...or I could send you a gift or card.
So, yesterday, for a brief second I'd think - I haven't sent Caleb a card or I have to call Caleb....I have to text Caleb!
The realization that you are not here made my heart drop.
It didn't make sense.
I wandered, not sure what to do, or how to come to grips with this new reality.

I thought about the day you were born and what an amazing person you are,
and even though my heart broke all over again, I smiled.
Your life was such a gift.
You, my generous gift, gave so much to life.
Your life here was one huge adventure.
I know...I'm your mom.
You always had direction, and you went full force into whatever you were doing, wherever you were going.

You brought so much joy into life.
'Know what? You are not in the  'past,' son.
You are still bringing smiles, and laughter to life.
Not a person I know, can talk about you without smiling.
You have that effect on people.
I may have tears, but there will always be a smile.

Last year, this day, this afternoon, you departed from this earthly sphere.
Though my heart is rent to pieces, I think of you, and where you are.
I know you are safe. I know you are never sick, or in pain.
I know you are still going headlong into whatever you're doing, or wherever you're going.
I know you are having the time of your everlasting life.
Knowing where you are makes all the difference.

I know you are bowing down in worship, standing in praise before our heavenly Father.
I know you are in the greatest company ever, with oceans of wonderful people.
I know you are making them laugh.
I know you are driving the coolest motorcycle ever, through the heavenlies - with no speed limits.
I know heaven is more beautiful than we can even imagine, and it's where you are.

On your birthday, we celebrate your life here.
Today, we celebrate the beginning of the flawless perfection of your everlasting life.

I don't know how I will be today...this afternoon...tonight or at one-thirty in the morning when the Marines came to our door last year....I have that gut-wrenching feeling even now. I don't know much. I've never been through this day before.
It is hard to imagine.
This is a tough day.
But, I know my God bottles my tears.
He carries me and understands my broken mother heart.

Father, on this day, I ask you to be with Caleb's Recon brothers in a special way. They were with him that day.... Lord, minister to their hearts with your healing, loving touch. I pray for all of Caleb's friends, that you would be ever so close to their hearts. I lift up my children, and know you have carried us through this year, and will continue to be our strength. Father, I thank you for the gift of your Son Jesus, who came to this world so we could know you, and because of his death and resurrection we can have that hope of eternity in heaven. I thank you Lord, for Caleb - for the wonderful gift you brought to my life. Would you tell him hello?  Please tell him we love him, miss him, and can't wait to see his smiling face again.
Thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness in caring for, and loving us. In Jesus' name. Amen.
♥

My Grief Journey/Rubberband Time

February 22, 2014
I want to pull time back like a giant rubber band, and just hold it off a while longer -
so a year doesn't come -
(I can't believe it's almost been a year. It's heart-ripping new everyday)
so Caleb's birthday is still in the future.
(hard to think of the day of his birth without him on this earth.)

I can't believe it's almost been a year.
It is still so surreal, so hard to wrap my mind around it.
The hurt, the separation is so difficult.
Hard to explain.

I know the day will be here in just three days.
The birth date of my son, Caleb.
It breaks my heart that he won't be here, and yet....
the day he entered this world he impacted life like no one else.
He was born with a mission.
I know, I was there.
He was special born.
God had a specific plan for his life, and he
started living that plan, even before he let out that first cry.

Somehow...we will get through this.
There is One who holds us close, and gives us strength.
He's never failed us yet.
Selah.

Alone? Sometimes - But Not Alone

2013.
2014.

In my heart time continues to stand still.
Time passes on the pages of the calendar, yes.
But, where do the days go?

Christmas.
The celebration of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
A quiet, sweet, and peaceful time.
Lights shone from our Christmas tree.
We opened gifts.
Read the Christmas story.
Missing, yet
feeling close to Caleb-
knowing Christmas is everyday in heaven.

Silent Night.
The song I heard over and over, wherever I went during the season.
God's message to my heart.

New Year's Eve.
Shopping that crazy, busy evening before the grocery store closed.
"Happy New Year."
I smiled.
What do they mean by happy new year?
Happy?
How different my life is now.
I didn't fit in that world of celebration.
Alone in a world full of people.

A few weeks ago
I was not feeling well.
It was a difficult time, but it past.
I rested - much needed rest, after a year of such difficult decisions and heartbreak.

It is in those times God is free to speak.
Only He didn't say much.
It was a silent time.

Sometimes there were tears, as I missed my son.
God was my comfort.
In silence.

Recently, I said good bye for now to another friend.
Heaven bound.
Glory for him.
Tough for us still here.

A dear friend posted this at just the right time -
"Never try to help God fulfill His word. Abram went through thirteen years of silence, but in those years all of his self-sufficiency was destroyed. He grew past the point of relying on his own common sense. Those years of silence were a time of discipline, not a period of God’s displeasure. There is never any need to pretend that your life is filled with joy and confidence; just wait upon God and be grounded in Him."
--Oswald Chambers

He has spoken to my heart.
"Be still and know that I am God."
Ok.

I've gained precious
nuggets from God's Word -
Abram/Abraham and his testing times - Ah, God's faithfulness.
Solomon. To everything there is a season. Fear God - trust him above all in this temporary life.
Job. God is bigger. How can I question God who created everything with just his Word? - Lean on the God who is more than enough. Ah, our God who restores.

I have nothing in myself.
I have no self-sufficiency.
I have no wisdom on my own.
I can't answer the hard questions of life.
I am broken before him.
Yet, I trust him.
He has carried me through the difficulties of life.

I can't pretend.
My face  always gives my heart away.
My life is filled with only confidence in the One I serve.

In silence I wait.
I am alone, but I'm not.
I am broken.
But he is the one who makes me whole.
I don't know much.
But I serve the One who knows all.
Selah.

(Alone Yet Not Alone sung by Joni Eareckson Tada)

Til The Season Comes Again/We Will Always Have Christmas

Dear Caleb,
The sunset was so vibrant. The sky was painted pink, and the sun like an orange, shone along the edge of the  plains in invitation to the celebration beyond sunset...as if heaven was right there - on the other side of the horizon.
So close.
If only it was that easy to drive to the edge of time to see you.

It was so beautiful.
To think you are living in the midst of perfect beauty is amazing.


You know I've been listening to Christmas carols.
Something we always enjoyed - even in the middle of July.
I can imagine you singing with all of heaven in the presence of the King we adore.
I know my limited imagination doesn't even touch on how wonderful it is.

There was this Christmas song on the radio about the time of the sunset.
I'd never heard it before, and the lyrics were so - us.
It touched my heart.
It was our song...our family.
It made me smile, and cry.

I'll share some of the lyrics -
"Come gather round the table, in the spirit of family and friends.
And we'll all join hands and remember this moment, til the season comes round again."

We all remember and cherish the moment - the time we shared last Christmas
when you were home.
Gathered round the table, laughing and talking and playing games, and eating.
Joining hands in prayer and thanksgiving for being together again, for the gift of Christmas.
It was epic.

Oh, and these lines - I know how much you loved taking pictures (smile.)
"Let's all smile for the picture, And we'll hold it as long as we can.
May it carry us through, should we ever get lonely til the season comes round again."

Yes, that smiley Christmas picture from last year is priceless.
Oh, the memories of Christmas with you.
All those pictures - I treasure them all, you know.
Remember the Santa hats, and all the times of trying to get us all in the picture
while the timer was ticking away on the camera.
I see last year's picture everyday (it's saved on my phone you know.)
It carries me through when I get lonely for your smile.
Ah, til the season comes round again.

I like these lines -
"One night, holy and bright, Shining with love from our hearts.
By a warm fire, let's lift our heads high and be thankful we're here
Til this time next year."

Last Christmas was holy and bright - I know the Lord blessed our time together.
It was such a wonderful time.
You've always kept the fire going - yes, in the fireplace, and in our hearts, too.
It was so special having you home - one more Christmas.
I never took our Christmases for granted...ever.
The most joyous time of the year.
Playing games, visiting and laughing and staying up late, snacking and feasting...
Christmas Eve services, reading the Christmas story and praying as a family.
All those moments live in my heart.
I'm so glad for every single moment we shared together.

Oh my dear son, I didn't know we wouldn't have time together this year as the song states, and yet
I know -
We will always have Christmas.
We will have Christmas together- even if we are apart.
We are together in Christ, in the spirit of his love.
Nothing can ever take that away.

We just didn't know we would have to wait for a season in the future to be together again -
beyond this life.

My dear son,
it is so hard not to have you here with us.
I long for your hug, your presence, your smile and laughter.

Yet, we know - you are in the best place of all.
You are celebrating Christmas everyday,
till we are together again.

I so anticipate that season
when we can all hold hands as a family, and laugh and smile together again...
and hug, and praise Jesus in person.

Till then-
sweet son of mine, know that we will make the best of the time we have here, like you did.
We will look forward to the new year - it brings us that much closer to being with you and Jesus.
Evidently, we still have work to do here (smile.)
So, we will live our lives to the fullest - like you did.
We will carry you with us in our hearts, remembering your witty wisdom, and tremendous example of a life well-lived.

Till then-
we will cherish the moment in time we had together with you, when we all held hands and laughed and loved.

When we get together this year as a family, I know you will be with us in spirit, in our hearts, and
on that night,
holy and bright, shining with love from our hearts,
by a warm fire,
we will lift our heads high and we will think of you -

We will pray and be thankful for Christmas, for Christ our Messiah.
and that you blessed us all so much while you were here.
We will rejoice because you live beyond this life, and you are here in our hearts -
And that one day,
one very fine day,
we will be together.

I can't wait!

Till then-
Til the season we're together again -

Merry Christmas my son.
I love you forever,
Mom


Here is the song-
Listen to this short but touching song.

Yes, we will all be together again.

 

When The Mountain Looks Too High Don't Look At The Potatoes

It's been a tough few days.
It's getting closer to Thanksgiving, and today is the nine month mark of when Caleb left this world.
My days have been in teary shambles as I've tried to keep going.
Last night I couldn't go anymore.
Everything was crashing in and the reality of the absence of my son was too evident.
I had been to the cemetery, and my insides sunk.
How could it be that the cemetery is part of my life now?
I rush out there some days, to check on things, put out new arrangements and make sure there are no tumbleweeds nesting near his spot.
I tossed some tumbleweeds away, and cleared off the pine needles. Seeing his name on the marker broke my heart.
I crumbled as I drove away.

I had told myself I could do Thanksgiving.
If I did a little bit at a time it would be all right.
My husband picked up a turkey while I was gone to Texas.
One thing out of the way.
When I got home I picked up a few things here and there.

But, yesterday did it.
It started with two bags of red potatoes, and a big bag of sweet potatoes.
I looked at them and imagined peeling and cooking all those potatoes - enough for a company of Marines is what it looked like to me at that moment.
The potatoes were as big as footballs.... a hundred pounds of them (reality-probably fifteen pounds.)

I tried not to think about them, but after I got home with a few more items (green beans that were each three feet long,) I melted.
My sweet TAPS friend called me (yes, I think of her as my friend even though we have never met. She is a gem and a godsend.) I told her I couldn't do it.
Thanksgiving was overwhelming.
The thought of all those potatoes and green beans and stuffing and bread and cranberries and pies was just too much for me to think of preparing....besides everything else.

"It's a huge mountain," I told her. "I can't climb it right now. It was those potatoes that did it...and the bags and bags of green beans."

We talked, cried and laughed (I cried, I don't think she did.)
By the time we hung up I felt better.
Still overwhelmed, but better.
I could see about getting some help...or a caterer.

This morning I woke up and thought I cannot do this.

"God, you have to be my strength. I don't have any. I am totally broken right now."

I visited with one of my sons. He may not know how much he blessed me.
We talked about Caleb, and heaven.
He talked about Jesus and all He went through for us.
It was good.

I took one step.
I made the stuffing.
Then I tackled those huge green beans.
I went to the grocery store.
Sometimes that is a major deal.
I really didn't want to go in.
I had no strength.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

I got the items I needed, visited with a few people.
Difficult days, and the tears just come.
Unannounced.
The sweet lady who told me she was praying for me may not know how much those words meant to me today.

I went back home.
Before I knew it, I had the sweet potatoes done, and had baked a cake.

God intervened when I accidentally hit the pan of boiling cranberries - boiling water flew toward me,
spilling on my hand.
But, you know what?
It didn't burn.
THAT was God taking care of me.

This afternoon I had a call from a Recon mom.
I also had a call from one of Caleb's Recon brothers.
Wonderful blessings.

Yes, it's been tough.
Very, very tough.
My heart feels like it is in shreds.
But, even so -
God is faithful.

He gets me through somehow.
He sends blessings like the phone calls, the visit with my son, and saving my hand from burns.

There are blessings in the valley.
When I look at the huge mountain before me
and it looks too high ....
I know now -
I shouldn't look at the potatoes.


PS. I have to share - added blessing - my bathroom that has been in the process since April was finished today! The plumber and the tile guys may not know how they blessed me when they said, "Finished!"

Tonight I say, Good night.
Indeed, my Lord is my strength, my light and my salvation.
Even in these difficult times it is well with my soul.
Selah.

Leaning On The Everlasting Ever Ready Arms

I am always His little girl, his daughter.
I'm never too old to let Him comfort me.
I am glad for that.
Tonight I need to lean on my Lord.

Father, I'm tired. I thank you for your strength that gets me through everyday. I praise you for your constant love, and care.
I thank you that you know how I feel, and it's ok.

This road is rough. I know I couldn't make it without you.
Some days there are tons of tears.
Some days I'm numb.
Today I am spent.
There is no energy left.
I am bewildered.
It is still so beyond my comprehension that I won't see my son again in this life.
If I think too hard, I start to panic.
So, I stop, and put it all in your hands.
You don't want me to look past today.
At this point I can't. It is too much to take in.
You know that.
One minute at a time I can make it through.
One step at a time, with you holding my hand.

Tonight I curl up on your lap, and rest my head against your shoulder.
I can cry here, and I know you will hold me.
I am tired.
I know things can't ever be the way they were, and it hurts.

It's hard because I know outwardly it looks like everything is ok, but everyday it's because of you that I move and have my being.
Everyday my heart breaks all over again.
I miss my son.
And yet, I know he lives in heaven with you.
I have that hope that I will see him again.
But, for now, it is a rugged road.

Thank you for being faithful.
For assuring me that you are there for me - always.

Ok. I will rest.
I will be still and know that you are God.
I will be still and put my hope in you, my Father.
I will rest and take no thought for tomorrow for you are already there.

Re: I Drive Your Truck, And Other SUVs and Cars Left Behind

                                 Eighty nine cents in the ashtray....
                          Dog Tags hanging from the rearview mirror....

                                 People's got their ways of coping.
                                         I've got mine....

                                I burn up every back road in this town.
                I find a field and tear it up, till all the pain's a cloud of dust.
                 Yes, sometimes I drive your truck.  ~ I Drive Your Truck

Wow.
Song of the year 2013, CMA Awards.
Taken from a true story - a son KIA in Afghanistan.
The truck he left behind.
The family who drives it.

Lyrics hit home to heartbroken families who have had to say good bye too soon-

My many friends who have their children's vehicles - I know.
We understand.

Remembering the day Caleb's belongings were delivered....
The back doors of the Mayflower swung open.
The first thing I saw was Caleb's vehicle.
The driver backed it down the ramp slowly, onto our driveway.
My son's Trail Blazer....
His name was written on a sheet of white paper, left on the dashboard.
The driver handed me the keys.
Caleb's name was written on a tag attached to the key ring.

This was it.
Reality.
My son wasn't driving it - ever again.

That morning I stood in the driveway and sobbed.

He found this SUV online in a dealership in Parker.
I was going to meet with my writer friends in Parker the next day, so we went together.
I dropped him off at the dealership, and he bought it.

It took him to California.
It was his other car...he really loved driving his Harley.


It's hard to put into words all I was feeling that day.
Flashbacks to when he first started driving.
How he teased me about putting a hole in the floor where I was stepping on invisible brakes.
Memories of when he left for Iraq and how I didn't want anyone to move his vehicle - a blue Dodge Dakota.
It needed to stay where he parked it.
I cried when my husband drove it.
It needed to stay where it was.
It didn't have to make sense.
It was how I felt.

Back to the Trail Blazer, and its' last journey home in a moving van.
It had been parked in a compound on base as I understand, for months -
waiting to make its' journey home.
It was the last thing to go into the Mayflower.



I ran my hand over the black exterior.
My son's ride.
Miles and adventures.
Now,
Caleb's vehicle wasn't going anywhere with him behind the wheel.
Hard to swallow.

His vehicle sat in the driveway for a while.
I didn't want it moved.
I couldn't stand the thought of it going anywhere.

Till one day... it needed to be started since the weather had been so cold.
It started right up.
I turned the radio on.
Of course, it was set for California stations, not Colorado.
But, it was on my favorite station.
I thought - that was so Caleb.
I whispered, 'Thank you,' as tears streamed down my face.
It was a small thing, but it touched my heart.

There are times when I drive his vehicle, and I feel so close to Caleb.
Other times it is too hard to think about driving it.

It is parked in the driveway.
Receipts remain where they were.
Keys stay in the console. I don't know what they're for, but it's ok.
The workout bar is in the back.
The horseshoe stays where it was.

It's just a vehicle.
I realize that.
But, it's a part of Caleb's life.
It helps me to see it, to clean it, to drive it.
It has a distinct smell that has not left.
A clean, fresh scent.
Like a new car.

Sometimes I sit in the driver's seat.
I just sit.
I soak up the thought of Caleb sitting there, his hands on the steering wheel,
jamming to the music, windows down, trucking down the freeway - free as the breeze.

Living his life.
It's how it should be.

Only it's not how it is.

Having his vehicle helps....
There are some things that just do.
It may or may not make sense.
It's just how it is.
I'm ok with that.


In case you didn't hear the song, I Drive Your Truck, here it is.

Some of you know exactly how it feels.
Some of you don't, and that's ok.