green pastures: Just Like Yesterday

green pastures: Just Like Yesterday: It's that time of year - graduation. Holidays trigger so many emotions, but so do other events, i.e. graduation. Some year...

Just Like Yesterday

It's that time of year - graduation.




Holidays trigger so many emotions, but so do other events, i.e. graduation.
Some years memories float from afar, other times they are as close as yesterday.
Funny how that happens.


I loved having my little birds in the nest, and when it was time for them to fly away it was not easy.


(This year's graduation hit harder than in years past...but then again, how do I know that?
Sometimes it's like being in the movie, 50 First Dates...maybe I just don't remember.
Maybe I thought the same last year. Maybe it's hard every year....)


I remember the tears, the anticipation, and knowing it was the order of things.
We raise our children to grow and go - we know that day is going to come and yet,
when it does, it's difficult.



Even though it was hard for this mama bird, I was so proud of each one.
I enjoyed planning graduation parties...getting ready for the big day.
Those were the days....
Awards Night, Baccalaureate , Chapel, and then...


Graduation.
A stream of red and black caps and gowns marched into the gym, young faces
ready for new adventures in life.


Looking back -remembering -
I see the masking tape messages on the caps.
I see the group of boys who made it through that senior year.
I see the faces of those I watched grow up....birthday parties, lunches at our house,
programs, games, proms.


I remember Caleb's graduation.
His recruiter, Sgt. Wedgewood (a name I'll never forget) joined us in his dress blues.
We as a family wore t-shirts that said, "Proud of our Marine - Caleb Medley' ( yes, I'm that mom.)
It seems the band played the Marine Hymn.
I remember the announcer saying that Caleb was joining the Marines, and everyone gave him a round of applause.
I remember his graduation party -
My good friend Kathy and I went in together and had our sons' parties together - it was the only right thing to do for two boys who grew up together, just houses apart - you never knew what was going to happen when they got together - master minds of the unexpected.
I remember Caleb and Andy cutting the huge graduation cake, holding the knife together, cutting slices as if it was a wedding cake.
Hilarious -those two.
Those were the days.


Churches here always honor the graduating seniors.
I don't recall being in a service on graduation day in many years, well since my youngest graduated (I think I avoided being there that day, making room for visiting family perhaps.)
I didn't think about it being graduation Sunday this week.
 
I skimmed through the bulletin before the service started and saw the graduates names.
There was immediate flashback to Graduation Sundays past.
The graduates marched in wearing their gowns.
The sermon usually had something to do with the steps they were taking.
They were called to the front of the church, were prayed for, and given Bibles.


What brought the tears today?
One of the graduates honored at church is going into the Marines.
A flood of emotion came over my heart as I was transported back to 2005 - the announcement that Caleb was going to join the Marine Corps.


A short week after graduation Caleb rode away with his recruiter.




There are actually two seniors leaving for the Marine Corps in this small town. In a class of fifty-one (the number of pictures in the newspaper) that's 4% of their class.


I visited a little with the young recruit at church, congratulating him on his graduation and for wanting to be one of the Few, the Proud.
As I walked away
 I thought of my own son in 2005.
Caleb was ready. He was sure of the decision.
There was no turning back for him, and I knew that.
I had to admire him.
Many are unsure of the direction they will take.
Some know they are going to college or trade school.
That of course, will be a change - a step into the an unknown future.


But, those who are called to serve our country -
Well....
They sign a blank check payable to our country for an amount up to and including their very lives.
It is a huge commitment.


As a parent of a Marine, I knew that.
But, I've got to tell you, I didn't go down that wild road in my thoughts. You can't or you'll be miserable worrying about what hasn't happened.
As a Marine Mom, I can say with all my heart, I was/am proud of Caleb, and always will be.
As the recruiter said to us as we sat around our dining room table, "We don't just recruit your son, we recruit the whole family."


It is true. We entered a new way of life when Caleb left for boot camp. I know my perspective on the stuff of life changed - and continues to change.




To all the parents who watched as those tassels were put from one side of the mortars to the other,
"Congratulations."
I visited with some of my mom friends of graduates. 
I know it's tough letting go....these young men and women have been in your care for eighteen, nineteen years, and now suddenly they've graduated and are going into that unknown world of being an adult.
It's a transition, whether they are going to college, moving away to work, or joining the Marine Corps.




Heads up, moms.
I remember looking at other moms whose children were older than mine.
I thought, "Well, they've made it. I suppose I will, too."
It's true.
You do.


Our children go and grow - and so do we.
It's what we do.
And you know....
Our mom hearts will always carry our children with love and pride
bursting in our hearts.


There will be times when
these days will seem just like yesterday.




Memories...so close and yet so far away.

In The Middle Of The Night

Anytime, anywhere

Here it is, one-thirty in the morning.
Some nights are like this.

I'm sound asleep, and then -
I'm wide awake.

No!
This reality hits with such harshness
I can hardly stand it.

I know by calendar time,
it's been three years,
yet the reality sinks in deeper and deeper
and the pain is more intense.

I don't know who said it gets easier...
that's a sick joke, and not true.

Oh, I'm not saying I live in utter despair.
I'm not filled with distress and horror.
But, it's tough without that smiling face of my
wonderful son.

I treasure my family.
I love them with all my heart.
There is nothing I would rather do than
spend time with them.
What joy!

Yet, these moments come along
and I gasp for air.
Caleb isn't here.

Sometimes it's like he's on deployment, or away training.
His adventurous life has taken him many places.
But, then it hits.
In those moments it can be almost unbearable.
Yes, I know I will see him again, and I'm so grateful.
But,
there are those times
I long for his presence -
here and now.

Tonight
I fell asleep listening to gentle, soothing rain.
When I woke up with that gut-wrenching, tear my heart apart feeling,
My soul cried out.

I grabbed the one thing that could
soothe my aching heart.

As I read, verse after verse jumped out at me.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid...
for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." ~ Deuteronomy 31:6

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm46?10

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

"Fear not for I am with you. Be not dismayed for I am your God.
I will strengthen you.
I will help you.
I will uphold you
with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

I looked on Facebook, and the first post I saw was -

He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside still waters. (Psalm 23:2)

The 23rd Psalm
My lifeline on this journey.
For many nights after the Marines came to our door my husband read, "The Lord is my shepherd...."
to me.
He'd finish and I'd say, "Again - please read it to me again," and he would.

I have a copy of the 23rd Psalm on my refrigerator.
I cannot be reminded too often.
"...though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil, for you are with me.
Your rod and your staff they comfort me...."

I used to think of this psalm as the 'funeral' psalm,
but now I understand.
It is a psalm of comfort, of encouragement.
His rod and staff do comfort me.
A shepherd uses a rod to protect his sheep from danger.
The staff represents kindness - used to bring a sheep
closer to the shepherd, for guidance and reassurance.

I know this wave will pass -
I know that He is faithful and will be my strength moment by moment.

With that I can say -

Lord, you are my shepherd.
I shall not lack for anything.
Your joy is my strength.
You hold me in the palm of your hand
and you will never let me go.
You love me from everlasting to everlasting.
I am not alone for you are with me
always.
I thank you.

...And I know, though sorrow may last for a night, joy comes in the morning.

Selah.

 

Cheers and Chains

 

Cheers and chains…isn’t that the way it is.

One minute you're at the top of the world, and everyone is cheering for you, shouting your name. You are awesome.

The next minute, you do something (or don’t do something), say something (or don’t say anything) and the mob is ready to get out the chains and beat you to a bloody pulp.

This is Holy Week.

It starts with Palm Sunday.

Here comes Jesus, riding on a donkey. He stops before he enters the city. Jerusalem. What a beautiful, magnificent city. But, as Jesus looks, he weeps. “Oh, Jerusalem, Jerusalem.” He loves this city, and the people. Yet, he knows what is coming – for Jerusalem, for himself.

He proceeds, and as he enters the city people surround him, covering the streets with garments, and branches.  Shouts and cheers fill the air with triumph. “Hosanna! Blessed is he that comes in the name of the Lord!”

The people see this miracle worker, this man who is going to free them from the tyranny surrounding them. He is their King, their Messiah, their Deliverer.

I’ve always felt so many emotions about that day. It appears Jesus has so many followers. He’s so loved. Yet, it wouldn’t be long till the same lips that praised and cheered for him would be shouting, “Crucify him!”

I’m sure some people thought he had let them down. He didn’t stand up to the authorities the way they thought he would. Things weren’t going the way they thought they should. What was wrong with him? Why didn’t he do something?

Things in this life can be like that.

Not always do things work the way we think they should.

There are nights with tear-stained pillows. Heartbreak so intense we don’t know how we are going to make it through another minute.

Sometimes situations are difficult. The world seems to be spiraling out of control. It can be overwhelming.

 I see it. I feel it.

I also see Jesus, riding on that donkey, going through the crowd, knowing he was going to be betrayed.

When life throws some hard punches, I run.

I run to the One who knows what it is to be alone, heartbroken, betrayed.

Holy Week reminds me that Jesus Christ suffered alone. Everyone he loved left him. He took on the all the darkness that this world would ever encounter…all because of his great love.

It’s hard for me to envision Jesus riding that donkey through the streets, hearing all the hoopla that would turn to jeers and shouts for his death. But, he held his head up.

He knew what was ahead, and when he was talking to his Father, he cried out, "Father if you are willing, take this cup of suffering from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." (Luke 22:42)

 As horrible as it was going to be, he knew it was going to be worth it.

He saw you.

He saw me.

Imagine that.

It always brings tears to my eyes.

What wondrous love.

Oh, it may be tough now. There may be tears and sorrow.

But, when I think of Jesus – who did it all because he could see beyond the pain –

Well, I hang on.

He overcame death and the grave.
And -

He is now seated at the right hand of the Father making intercession for us (Romans 8:34) and I know Caleb is there with so many others, cheering us on – till we all meet again.

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (Hebrews 12:1-3)

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. (Romans 8:18)

Selah.

Amen.

Thirteen Hours ~ How I See It

 

 

 

 

Benghazi
September 11, 2012.

Caleb called me when he heard about it,
and talked to me for quite a while.
I learned a lot that night...
One of the former Navy Seals killed in the attack was someone Caleb knew.
He was his friend.
Caleb had done independent contracting.
He knew what it entailed....what it was about.
He was a Recon Marine - highly trained for all situations.
These guys in our military, in Special Forces, have a keen sense for their surroundings.
of impending danger,
and are highly trained to respond, to protect.
He talked to me about so much - and it's all been locked away ever since.
Until now.
It all came back when I saw the movie.

I've followed Benghazi ever since Caleb's and my conversation in 2012.
It's part of my heart -for my son, what he stood for - for his brothers, for those in Benghazi who stood in the face of opposition - from the enemy and from the "those in charge."

I remember the account by Ms. Clinton and I quote, "Was it because of a protest or because of guys out for a walk one night, that decided to kill some Americans? What difference at this point, does it make?"
While four flag-draped caskets were ushered into a building filled with grief-stricken families, Ms. Clinton said, "It has been a difficult week for the State Department and our country....we've seen the heavy assault on our post in Benghazi that took the lives of those brave men. We've seen rage and violence directed at American Embassies over an awful internet video we had nothing to do with."


Then, the book was released - a first hand account of what the annex security team witnessed and experienced in Benghazi, Libya on September 11, 2012.

The movie followed. I watched several interviews by Oz, Tanto and Tig, the three who were there, who waged war against the attacks that took the lives of American Ambassador Chris Stevens, Foreign Service Officer, Sean Smith, and former Navy Seals, Glen Doherty and Tyrone Woods. These three, along with Doherty and Woods, saved the lives of the twenty to thirty-two Americans working at the State Department's Special Mission Compound.

I believe the account given by Mark (Oz) Geist - former Marine, Kris (Tanto) Paronto - former Army Ranger,, and John (Tig) Tiegen - former Marine. Getting the story out to honor their fallen brothers, to educate America on what really transpired at that time, is important.

I'm glad I saw the movie.
It was not easy, but I had to see it.
It brought tears, but I had to watch the story unfold.

The attack happened, and not because of an internet video. That statement is an insult to our intelligence, and a dishonor to the families of the fallen.

Stating it doesn't matter how the Americans were killed, 'what difference, at this point does it make?'
Believer me, if it is your child, your loved one who is killed - it matters.

One quote that stands out from Thirteen Hours: The Inside Account of What Really Happened In Benghazi:
    “People in America get up and go to their nine-to-five jobs every day and are oblivious to all     these battles and wars and people dying every minute all over the world. This is life. This is how other countries live. This is a daily occurrence in some places.”

 Men, like my son, have seen, have lived in these places.
They understand what can happen when freedom is lost, is taken away and when tyranny rules.

Being a Harvard graduate (one base chief in the movie flaunts his 'education' in the face of those highly trained for such situations ) does not make one an expert in areas of experience in war and dealing with surrounding, real life-threatening situations.

These men were not deployed. They were hired CIA contractors willing to risk their lives.
because they knew what it meant to be in a place like Benghazi. They'd been trained. They knew to be on the alert, always.

A line that stands out to me -
"Warriors aren’t trained to retire."
Warriors -
It's who they are.
They can be counted on,
They can be trusted.
They believe in the Constitution of the United States.
They believe in freedom.
They know the high cost of that freedom, and are willing to pay
the ultimate price....

The warriors/the 'secret soldiers' of Benghazi fought to the end, never giving up, never giving in...
even when no help was in sight.

I know many men like this.
I have total respect for them.
These are
men of honor, of integrity, and courage.
Men with no personal agenda.
Men who love their country, their fellow man - willing to
sacrifice even their lives.

Benghazi is important.
Yes, it does matter, and it does make a difference.

 

 

green pastures: Thirteen Hours ~ How I See It

green pastures: Thirteen Hours ~ How I See It: Was it a coincidence that the Benghazi attack was on September 11, 2012? Caleb called me when he heard about it. He talked to me for ...

Our Family Tree

Last year I wrote a blog about how I just couldn't put up our family ornaments - couldn't go into the small room where they were kept.
Too many memories....just too hard.

This year I wasn't sure it would be any different.

Early November I started thinking about how I was going to decorate our Christmas tree.
So many ideas crossed my mind, but none of them seemed right.

There was a time last Christmas when one of my children asked, "Where are the other ornaments from when we were growing up?"
My explanation was understood, accepted and that was that.

This year I wondered,
what about 'those' ornaments?
Could I get them out?
Could I do it?

About that time the thought came to mind,
"We are family."

I didn't jump right up and go downstairs.
I thought about it.
I pondered the idea for a while.
Then, one day
I went downstairs and opened the door.
I got out a few boxes that were right inside the small room.
I glanced at the ornament totes, and walked away.

There was no 'blast from the past' ready to knock me down with heartbreak.
It was different this year.

A few days later  I picked up an ornament tote, and brought it upstairs.

I carefully lifted the lid, not sure what my reaction would be to seeing
the family ornaments.
There they were - old friends.
They had waited patiently as I went through trying, tearful years.
They knew I'd be back for them.
 Silent, sweet, memories of joy from years past
 came from each ornament.

Yes, there were tears.
But, I did it.

As I put each ornament on our tree,
I saw our lives unfold

My family....the Baby's First Christmas ornaments....
the preschool cut-out of a drummer boy colored with red crayon -
the Christmas tree with buttons, an ornament that Caleb made in elementary school,
the school pictures glued on little wreaths.
There were cheerleader ornaments, football ornaments, baseball players -
then - the Marine Corps and college ornaments......

When the last ornament was put in place,
I stood back, smiling through tears.

It was like Caleb was telling me, "Mom, the ornaments are the story of our family.
We will always be family.
I will always be part of the story."

All those years -
ornament after ornament,
we were building our story.

I wanted to complete the tree with a special topper -
not a star, or an angel or a bow.
I wanted something meaningful.
Something unique...special, just for us.

One day, while I was shopping in a Hallmark shop, there it was.
A wooden plaque that says,
"Family. Count your blessings."

It was perfect for our tree.

Our Christmas tree
truly is our family tree.

And that, my friends, is the rest of the story.