More Than A Memory

I miss you so much today.
Oh, I miss you everyday, but sometimes it's just about unbearable.
I can keep busy, like I am today....
but it doesn't matter.


I've gotten out.
Been to the farmer's market,
been to the grocery store,
visited with friends.
Smiled, listened and shared life.


I'm cleaning and organizing -
you'd be so proud....well, sort of.
I know. I could just throw it all away.
Why do I keep those scentsy burners? Isn't one enough?
Why do I have a basket of candles, and candleholders?
Why do I keep sheet music I don't play anymore?
Good question.
If you were here with me today, I could hear our conversation.
I'd end up keeping the sheet music and the scentsy burners.
You'd help carry my bags of treasures out to the dumpster with a smile.


I miss you so much it takes my breath away.
It hurts so much, and it's so unbelievable that I can't call you or text you.
I can hardly stand it.
I want to see you so much.


I have hope, and I know that one day I will see you.
But, there are times like this when it is the hardest thing ever to be without your
presence here, where I can see you.
In my mind's eye, I can see you standing against the wall, hands in your pockets, telling me a story and laughing away at something.


I'm listening to oldies on Pandora.
It went from Classical Christmas to those old songs.
I know you love Christmas music, and all kinds of music.
I know the music you're listening to in heaven is totally awesome, but I miss those times of hearing
music coming from your room, or times of talking about lyrics and different kinds of music and artists.


I drove your vehicle today. I love that it still smells like it did when you were here.
That clean, fresh smell.
Sometimes when I get in, I say, "Ok, Caleb. Here we go."
It hurts, but it helps to say your name out loud.


You know, you and your brothers and sister are my treasures.
It brightens up my day every time I hear from them and/or see them.
If only I could add you to the list of phone calls, or footsteps walking into our house.


I want to hear your laugh...want to see you sitting at the table with us,
or in the family room, laughing and talking....
I want to see you running down the street from one of your "short" runs...


I can see it all in my mind.
It is like you said so many times....
"Your treasures, your memories are right here," -
in my heart, and in my mind.
You were so right.
It's what I have.
I may not be able to see you face to face, but
the memories are treasures that are always there.


Oh, but
you are more than a memory.
So much more!


You are part of me, you are part of our family forever.
You are part of my life - our lives, for always.
You are more real than the air that we breathe...
more real than anything in this life.
You encompass all that we are.
Yes, we have memories,
but we have so much more
because we have you in our hearts, in our lives for always.


It hurts so much right now, but I know
I will keep on going on forward,
living and laughing and  crying...
listening to the music,
taking you with me everywhere I go.


The 'now' can be so hard without you.
Even though I know you're just a breath away,
right now it seems like you're so far away.


One day,
I know you'll be there at heaven's gates, waiting with that big smile
that I can hardly wait to see.


I love you so much, Caleb.
Oh.....I know you live on and it's wonderful in heaven.
 but,
 today
it would be so fine to see your face at my door.




(So Far Away by Carole King)

It's You

I look at your pictures.

I see your smile, and

the twinkle in your eyes.

I can hear your laugh.

Our conversations linger in the silence.

I can hear you say the funniest things.

I hear myself whisper,

"I love you my son."

Your reply,

"Love you too, Mom."

I don't know how I'm ever supposed to

get used to this.

Not being able to see you in person

is the hardest

thing ever.

The longing is so deep,

In the depths of my being

silent groans

fill my heart.

How can this be real?

Surely you are on a long deployment.

Any minute the phone will ring,

I will get a text,

the door will open.

"Surprise!"

Remember that Mother's Day when
you came home to surprise me?
That was the best surprise ever.


I miss you so much every day.
I tell myself you're really as near
as the next room.
You're only a breath away.
Even though I believe with all my heart
these things to be true,
it's not that easy.
Not easy for this small mind to understand.


Oh, it's not that I think I have to understand to believe.
I'm way past that.
I believe with all my heart.
I know with a knowing that has no explainable words.


Oh, child of mine....
grown man of integrity and never-ending smiles.
It's hard everyday, and yet,
I am blessed...
it's because of you that each step is a little easier


Your bigger than life, life
gives me nothing but joy.
You who went beyond what was expected...
Your life lends me so much to make it through each day.



I'm thankful.
I'm grateful for your life -
the blessing, the gift.


You.


You, my son.


I love you Caleb.




 



The Trip To Perris/ Those Difficult Beautiful Blessings

I told my my husband, "I don't think I'm ready for this."
"I don't think I'll go."
"You are most welcome to go, but I think I'll pass."
Of course, that isn't the way it turned out at all.
We were in California visiting some of our Recon family.


Chris had told me that when we visited he would take us to Perris.
We could visit the memorial to Caleb.


It is a beautiful memorial.
A lot of time and work went into this marvelous tribute to Caleb.
I'd seen it before it was mounted, and marveled at the talent, the skill
Garrett had put into designing and producing this multi-dimensional likeness of
his Recon Brother.
It was truly heartfelt.
I wanted to see the memorial.
I just didn't want to go to Perris.                            

Perris Sky-Diving .

where the accident happened.

The last place Caleb was before he went to heaven.

No thank you.

Not this trip.

(Again, that's not how it went.)

Before we visited Chris and his family, we went to lunch with Daniel and Martha, who recently returned from Okinawa.

These special people were friends of Caleb's.

During our lunch conversation Perris had come up, and I said I wasn't sure I was going to go.

So, after lunch, as we were saying our farewells

Daniel asked me if I was going to go.

I told him about my reluctance.

He told me it might help.

I'd be taking another step.

Somehow, his words sounded like something Caleb would say.

He doesn't know this - not only was it what he said, but there was a look in his eyes.
I always say the Recon guys are old souls.
They've gone through a lot, witnessed the ravages of war, and have lost so many brothers...
They may be young, but their eyes tell the story.
Daniel looked at me...deep, understanding eyes.
There was love, wisdom and sadness.

He said, "I haven't gone there yet, but I will."

I decided I'd go.


I climbed into Chris's Rubicon and held my breath.
The closer we got to Perris, the deeper breaths I took.
"I can do this."
I prayed.


We were on the same road Caleb drove that day...it was his last drive.

My mind wandered...

What was he thinking?
Then, I remembered.
He was singing.
A Recon mom recently shared with me that her son Brian had been riding with Caleb that day and they were
singing at the top of their lungs.
Isn't God good to remind me of that?

Yes, it was difficult when I saw the sign, "Perris."

It was difficult when we neared the training facility.
But, I was there.


I saw the place Caleb should have landed, and in the distance, the field where he did land.
I saw the plane he and his brothers were in.
I saw the bench he sat on.
It was all so bittersweet.

There were tears, but I was there with him, visiting a piece of his life, if that makes any sense.

I loved the memorial.
It is amazing, and stands in front of the flagpole, beside the main building.
Very fitting.
The location was not what I thought it would be.

I thought there may be a trailer and a hangar, but it isn't like that at all.

This is a nice sized facility.
There were several buildings, shops, a restaurant, and a swimming pool.


I couldn't think of what happened there that last day without thinking about how much Caleb loved sky-diving.
That is when it happened.

I looked up and the sky was filled with parachutes of all colors.

It was breathtaking, and I've never seen anything like it....about a hundred jumpers.
Caleb sent a special show for us - for me.


There were lots of tears, but I had to smile as I watched (something I hadn't been able to do) as the skydivers went from tiny specks to a rainbow of colors as they floated gracefully to the ground.

There were over a hundred of them.

Daniel was right.

It was another step.

As I was looking through the pictures I took there, I noticed a saying

at the bottom of the Skydive Perris sign.

"Living Life Just A Little Larger Than Most."

Yes, that is my son.

That would be Caleb.

Selah.



Living Life Just A Little Larger Than Most.
I love you Caleb.

green pastures: Just Like Yesterday

green pastures: Just Like Yesterday: It's that time of year - graduation. Holidays trigger so many emotions, but so do other events, i.e. graduation. Some year...

Just Like Yesterday

It's that time of year - graduation.




Holidays trigger so many emotions, but so do other events, i.e. graduation.
Some years memories float from afar, other times they are as close as yesterday.
Funny how that happens.


I loved having my little birds in the nest, and when it was time for them to fly away it was not easy.


(This year's graduation hit harder than in years past...but then again, how do I know that?
Sometimes it's like being in the movie, 50 First Dates...maybe I just don't remember.
Maybe I thought the same last year. Maybe it's hard every year....)


I remember the tears, the anticipation, and knowing it was the order of things.
We raise our children to grow and go - we know that day is going to come and yet,
when it does, it's difficult.



Even though it was hard for this mama bird, I was so proud of each one.
I enjoyed planning graduation parties...getting ready for the big day.
Those were the days....
Awards Night, Baccalaureate , Chapel, and then...


Graduation.
A stream of red and black caps and gowns marched into the gym, young faces
ready for new adventures in life.


Looking back -remembering -
I see the masking tape messages on the caps.
I see the group of boys who made it through that senior year.
I see the faces of those I watched grow up....birthday parties, lunches at our house,
programs, games, proms.


I remember Caleb's graduation.
His recruiter, Sgt. Wedgewood (a name I'll never forget) joined us in his dress blues.
We as a family wore t-shirts that said, "Proud of our Marine - Caleb Medley' ( yes, I'm that mom.)
It seems the band played the Marine Hymn.
I remember the announcer saying that Caleb was joining the Marines, and everyone gave him a round of applause.
I remember his graduation party -
My good friend Kathy and I went in together and had our sons' parties together - it was the only right thing to do for two boys who grew up together, just houses apart - you never knew what was going to happen when they got together - master minds of the unexpected.
I remember Caleb and Andy cutting the huge graduation cake, holding the knife together, cutting slices as if it was a wedding cake.
Hilarious -those two.
Those were the days.


Churches here always honor the graduating seniors.
I don't recall being in a service on graduation day in many years, well since my youngest graduated (I think I avoided being there that day, making room for visiting family perhaps.)
I didn't think about it being graduation Sunday this week.
 
I skimmed through the bulletin before the service started and saw the graduates names.
There was immediate flashback to Graduation Sundays past.
The graduates marched in wearing their gowns.
The sermon usually had something to do with the steps they were taking.
They were called to the front of the church, were prayed for, and given Bibles.


What brought the tears today?
One of the graduates honored at church is going into the Marines.
A flood of emotion came over my heart as I was transported back to 2005 - the announcement that Caleb was going to join the Marine Corps.


A short week after graduation Caleb rode away with his recruiter.




There are actually two seniors leaving for the Marine Corps in this small town. In a class of fifty-one (the number of pictures in the newspaper) that's 4% of their class.


I visited a little with the young recruit at church, congratulating him on his graduation and for wanting to be one of the Few, the Proud.
As I walked away
 I thought of my own son in 2005.
Caleb was ready. He was sure of the decision.
There was no turning back for him, and I knew that.
I had to admire him.
Many are unsure of the direction they will take.
Some know they are going to college or trade school.
That of course, will be a change - a step into the an unknown future.


But, those who are called to serve our country -
Well....
They sign a blank check payable to our country for an amount up to and including their very lives.
It is a huge commitment.


As a parent of a Marine, I knew that.
But, I've got to tell you, I didn't go down that wild road in my thoughts. You can't or you'll be miserable worrying about what hasn't happened.
As a Marine Mom, I can say with all my heart, I was/am proud of Caleb, and always will be.
As the recruiter said to us as we sat around our dining room table, "We don't just recruit your son, we recruit the whole family."


It is true. We entered a new way of life when Caleb left for boot camp. I know my perspective on the stuff of life changed - and continues to change.




To all the parents who watched as those tassels were put from one side of the mortars to the other,
"Congratulations."
I visited with some of my mom friends of graduates. 
I know it's tough letting go....these young men and women have been in your care for eighteen, nineteen years, and now suddenly they've graduated and are going into that unknown world of being an adult.
It's a transition, whether they are going to college, moving away to work, or joining the Marine Corps.




Heads up, moms.
I remember looking at other moms whose children were older than mine.
I thought, "Well, they've made it. I suppose I will, too."
It's true.
You do.


Our children go and grow - and so do we.
It's what we do.
And you know....
Our mom hearts will always carry our children with love and pride
bursting in our hearts.


There will be times when
these days will seem just like yesterday.




Memories...so close and yet so far away.

In The Middle Of The Night

Anytime, anywhere

Here it is, one-thirty in the morning.
Some nights are like this.

I'm sound asleep, and then -
I'm wide awake.

No!
This reality hits with such harshness
I can hardly stand it.

I know by calendar time,
it's been three years,
yet the reality sinks in deeper and deeper
and the pain is more intense.

I don't know who said it gets easier...
that's a sick joke, and not true.

Oh, I'm not saying I live in utter despair.
I'm not filled with distress and horror.
But, it's tough without that smiling face of my
wonderful son.

I treasure my family.
I love them with all my heart.
There is nothing I would rather do than
spend time with them.
What joy!

Yet, these moments come along
and I gasp for air.
Caleb isn't here.

Sometimes it's like he's on deployment, or away training.
His adventurous life has taken him many places.
But, then it hits.
In those moments it can be almost unbearable.
Yes, I know I will see him again, and I'm so grateful.
But,
there are those times
I long for his presence -
here and now.

Tonight
I fell asleep listening to gentle, soothing rain.
When I woke up with that gut-wrenching, tear my heart apart feeling,
My soul cried out.

I grabbed the one thing that could
soothe my aching heart.

As I read, verse after verse jumped out at me.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid...
for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." ~ Deuteronomy 31:6

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm46?10

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

"Fear not for I am with you. Be not dismayed for I am your God.
I will strengthen you.
I will help you.
I will uphold you
with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

I looked on Facebook, and the first post I saw was -

He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside still waters. (Psalm 23:2)

The 23rd Psalm
My lifeline on this journey.
For many nights after the Marines came to our door my husband read, "The Lord is my shepherd...."
to me.
He'd finish and I'd say, "Again - please read it to me again," and he would.

I have a copy of the 23rd Psalm on my refrigerator.
I cannot be reminded too often.
"...though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil, for you are with me.
Your rod and your staff they comfort me...."

I used to think of this psalm as the 'funeral' psalm,
but now I understand.
It is a psalm of comfort, of encouragement.
His rod and staff do comfort me.
A shepherd uses a rod to protect his sheep from danger.
The staff represents kindness - used to bring a sheep
closer to the shepherd, for guidance and reassurance.

I know this wave will pass -
I know that He is faithful and will be my strength moment by moment.

With that I can say -

Lord, you are my shepherd.
I shall not lack for anything.
Your joy is my strength.
You hold me in the palm of your hand
and you will never let me go.
You love me from everlasting to everlasting.
I am not alone for you are with me
always.
I thank you.

...And I know, though sorrow may last for a night, joy comes in the morning.

Selah.

 

Cheers and Chains

 

Cheers and chains…isn’t that the way it is.

One minute you're at the top of the world, and everyone is cheering for you, shouting your name. You are awesome.

The next minute, you do something (or don’t do something), say something (or don’t say anything) and the mob is ready to get out the chains and beat you to a bloody pulp.

This is Holy Week.

It starts with Palm Sunday.

Here comes Jesus, riding on a donkey. He stops before he enters the city. Jerusalem. What a beautiful, magnificent city. But, as Jesus looks, he weeps. “Oh, Jerusalem, Jerusalem.” He loves this city, and the people. Yet, he knows what is coming – for Jerusalem, for himself.

He proceeds, and as he enters the city people surround him, covering the streets with garments, and branches.  Shouts and cheers fill the air with triumph. “Hosanna! Blessed is he that comes in the name of the Lord!”

The people see this miracle worker, this man who is going to free them from the tyranny surrounding them. He is their King, their Messiah, their Deliverer.

I’ve always felt so many emotions about that day. It appears Jesus has so many followers. He’s so loved. Yet, it wouldn’t be long till the same lips that praised and cheered for him would be shouting, “Crucify him!”

I’m sure some people thought he had let them down. He didn’t stand up to the authorities the way they thought he would. Things weren’t going the way they thought they should. What was wrong with him? Why didn’t he do something?

Things in this life can be like that.

Not always do things work the way we think they should.

There are nights with tear-stained pillows. Heartbreak so intense we don’t know how we are going to make it through another minute.

Sometimes situations are difficult. The world seems to be spiraling out of control. It can be overwhelming.

 I see it. I feel it.

I also see Jesus, riding on that donkey, going through the crowd, knowing he was going to be betrayed.

When life throws some hard punches, I run.

I run to the One who knows what it is to be alone, heartbroken, betrayed.

Holy Week reminds me that Jesus Christ suffered alone. Everyone he loved left him. He took on the all the darkness that this world would ever encounter…all because of his great love.

It’s hard for me to envision Jesus riding that donkey through the streets, hearing all the hoopla that would turn to jeers and shouts for his death. But, he held his head up.

He knew what was ahead, and when he was talking to his Father, he cried out, "Father if you are willing, take this cup of suffering from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." (Luke 22:42)

 As horrible as it was going to be, he knew it was going to be worth it.

He saw you.

He saw me.

Imagine that.

It always brings tears to my eyes.

What wondrous love.

Oh, it may be tough now. There may be tears and sorrow.

But, when I think of Jesus – who did it all because he could see beyond the pain –

Well, I hang on.

He overcame death and the grave.
And -

He is now seated at the right hand of the Father making intercession for us (Romans 8:34) and I know Caleb is there with so many others, cheering us on – till we all meet again.

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (Hebrews 12:1-3)

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. (Romans 8:18)

Selah.

Amen.