Googling Tomorrow

I googled tomorrow and what did I get?
A definition.
The day after today.
Not much.


My life is a series of minutes that move and stand still.
My life is full of surprises,
and I don't know's.


It's crazy, this walk I'm on.
You just never know what is going to upset the apple cart and send apples
scattering all over.
I'd try to pick them up but, they usually scatter so far and wide, I sit in amazement
that it happened at all.


Life is not the same.
I've said that before, but it never ceases to surprise, overwhelm and knock me
off my feet.
New ideas, new directions are not small potatoes.


I have been content to be in my own little corner in my own little house,
and when I'm asked to step out of this now familiar lifestyle,
it is huge.


How did I know that the mention of doing something new would upset my life like this?
I'm content living in my corner of the world...anything new is huge.
I started crying at the aspect of adding anything new to my life.
It's like I'm moving away...but I'm not.
I will never leave my son behind.
I will take Caleb with me wherever I go, whatever I do.


It's scary. I'll just say it, because it is.
I am not the person I was.
I don't know this person, and it's like I'm in a foreign land.
Maybe I did things in the past, but this person has never
done this - whatever it is.
It's a whole new experience, whatever it is.


I was unprepared for the rush of emotions that flooded my being.
I'm unfamiliar with me.
I'm unfamiliar with life as it is.
I'm unfamiliar with most everything.

I Can Because

I awaken to the darkness around me.
Like being covered with a heavy fleece blanket, I want to kick it off.


I wait a few minutes, and let the fleece of darkness settle in.
It is soft and comforting.
The world is not awake yet. There are no distractions.
My sobs lay silent on my pillow as I cry out to my Lord
with no words.
I want to say, "I can't."
I want to stop time, and go back to innocent days.
I want to cry out, and toss this blanket of darkness away,
but I know I can't.
My heart is wracked with chards of sorrow, and tomorrow looms ahead.
For now, I wrap up in this blanket and know that
even though I don't understand,
He does.


Lyrics of an old song pop into my mind -

"I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does..."
(written by Arthur Kent and Sylvia Dee, recorded in 1962

by Skeeter Davis.)

Some days  I wake up like that.

Then, after the sobbing subsides,

I get up, pet Griz and let him out.

By that time, sunlight is breaking through, like cool, clean sheets.

It's a fresh, new day, filled with unknowns.

I don't know what news each day will bring.

Today I hold tightly to my Father's hand.

He has all things in control.

It's not easy for me to just hold on.

I want to know the why's of his plans.

I want to uncover the reasons.

Yet, I know, no matter what each day brings

his grace is sufficient.

He has proven that to me over and over.

I like to say it this way -

his grace is as big as we need it to be.

It will be as big as we need it to be, when we need it,

and not before.

Like manna.

The people in Moses' day couldn't stuff manna in their pockets for later.

It would spoil, rot, and just was not edible for that late night snack.

However, they always had plenty for each day.

The next day, there was manna - enough for another day.

So it is with grace.

It isn't there before you need it.

It's always there in abundance just when you need it.

This I know.

My devotional this morning -

"The future is like a huge mountain looming in front of you....You don't know what will happen to day, much less tomorrow....But I promise that if  I ask you to climb that mountain, I will give you everything you need to reach the top....And I will be right by your side every step of the way."

For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go. (Psalm 91:11)

In your strength I can crush an army; with my God I can scale any wall. (Psalm 18:29)

For we live by faith and not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7)

They will lift you up in their hands so you will not strike your foot against a stone. (Psalm 91:12)

(Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.)

He sees the future.

He holds my hand.

He makes the sun to shine and the stars to twinkle.

He is faithful.

I can because He is my rock, my strength.

I can because He is sufficient.

Selah.




Copyright © 2017 Diane Homm. All Rights Reserved

Home For Christmas

Home for Christmas!
Every mother's wish.
It is the best gift ever to hear, "Hey, Mom. I'll be home for Christmas."


Through the years, as my five left the nest, I remember -


I so looked forward to Christmas break.
"When will you be home," I'd ask.
I was always so excited for that one in college, that one who moved away,
to come home for Christmas.
I'd listen for a car to pull into the driveway.
I'd rush to the door to welcome
hugs and luggage.
Home for Christmas!


Then, there was Caleb.
"When will you be home," I'd wonder - holding my breath.
I say God was so merciful and gracious to me.
Caleb got to come home most of the Christmases he was in the Marines.
We'd drive to the airport to pick him up.
I'd keep a sharp eye on the people coming up the escalator, looking for that
one who was a little taller than most, standing straight and tall.
When I'd see him, I'd rush over to hug him.
Home for Christmas!


There were Christmases without him - like when he was deployed.


It was during those times - especially that first deployment, that this song spoke to my heart.
When I'd hear "I'll Be Home For Christmas," I'd think of Caleb.

Caleb would tease me about Christmas.

"There better be snow," he'd say.

Christmases have come and gone, and my five have grown up.

It's not always possible for all of us to be together at Christmas,

but I know the love is there.

We talk, we send presents, we are a family.

And about Caleb?

I know. He'll be spending Christmas with Jesus.

I play "I'll Be Home For Christmas" on the piano for him, and sing it if I can.

Anytime I hear it, I think of all the Christmases we shared,

the Christmases when he was home.

Yes, Caleb. I know you'll be home for Christmas - in my heart, in my dreams.

Merry Christmas my son.
Till we meet again -

I love you.








Copyright © 2016 Diane Homm. All Rights Reserved.

The Message

It is fitting that the first Christmas without Caleb, a message to my heart would come through lyrics of an old Christmas carol. You see, Christmas time, Christmas carols have always been an important part of our lives.
That first Christmas,
it seemed everywhere I went, one song stood out - whether in a store, or on the radio at home or in my vehicle.
The lyrics are so familiar, but the message seemed to speak to me personally - from/about Caleb.

Silent Night

Silent Night, Holy Night,

All is calm, all is bright.

Round yon Virgin, Mother and child,

Holy infant, so tender and mild.

Sleep in heavenly peace.

Sleep in heavenly peace.

Silent night, holy night - I could imagine that night so long ago, the world was at rest, all were sleeping except for the shepherds who felt a hushed, holy, unspeakable presence. Something was different about that night. Heaven had come to earth.

The message - to remember the wonderful presence of that very night is mine, a hushed, sweet holiness from heaven.

"Remember this Mom....it is always yours."

All is calm, all is bright - My son is living in a place where all is calm, serene, peaceful and joyous,

where there is brightness of celebration, love and a completeness only those who are there know.

The message - remember beyond this world there is an eternity, filled with peace, goodness, love and wonderous joy.

"I'm ok Mom."

Round yon Virgin, mother and child, holy infant so tender and mild - Thoughts of how Mary must have felt as she held Jesus for the first time, that awesome sense of love that a mother feels for her child, that unspeakable, glorious love.

The message - Ah, the memories of holding Caleb, so tiny, soft and innocent - such a miraculous, tender gift of life.

"I'm always with you, Mom. I will always be that gift in your life. I know you love me so very, very much."

Sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace. - I know where Caleb is. He is living in heavenly peace. He is free from the confines of this world, the fallibility of this earth, more alive now that he is in a place of heavenly perfection, of heavenly peace.

The message - Because I know where Caleb is, that he is safe in that perfect place, I can have peace, even in the midst of missing him so much.

"Sleep in heavenly peace, Mom....let heaven bring you peace. Let it be your peace.

I love you."

I have always loved Silent Night, but now - every time I hear it, it is for me, for my heart.

It is my heavenly lullaby.

And yes - it still jumps out wherever I am. The message still fills me with hope - even through the tears.

Sleep in heavenly peace.

Sleep in heavenly peace.

Copyright © 2016 Diane Homm. All Rights Reserved.

The Ride is Just About Over

Election year 2016.
One day we may look back and think of it as a bad 'once upon a time' story -
Poorly written and so totally bizarre that it couldn't have possibly happened.




It was at least a life time ago that the Democrats had two candidates and the Republicans had seventeen. Then the Republicans had twelve. Then the Republicans and the Democrats had one. Then, some of the Republicans didn't like the person the people had elected. So, some of the GOP started bashing the Republican candidate, saying they weren't going to support him, calling him such eloquent names, as "buffoon." Being under the delusion that their wisdom was above the people who voted them into office in the first place ...it appeared after a while, that as they ranted,  they just resembled caricatures in Looney Tunes. Then, the Democrat candidate with reports of crime upon crime, including lying about Benghazi (that place far away we are supposed to forget about) continued to be supported. There were leaks and a wiener, like a picnic gone bad, but she kept on running. Republicans, Democrats, sounding like tabloid stories from The National Enquirer or maybe True Confessions, kept campaigning.
In the meantime, major newspapers, and the mega media joined in the tabloid reporting, and it all seemed like a nightmare.
What was true? It was like a bunch of school kids trying to make the other guy look worse than their guy. What to believe was left to the bewildered viewer.  I take that back.
It was worse than school kids - much worse.


The FBI decided they wanted to play and added turmoil and confusion  to the mix by their wishy-washy decisions - such a stalwart organization. Who'd have thought.....




Well, here it is.
The day before this 'once upon a time' story ends and another begins.
Some are saying, "I can't wait till it's over."
I haven't heard a single, "I just don't care," and that is unusual for a presidential election.
However, I have heard, "Well, it's whatever God wants."
That one had me stumped.
I recalled so many stories in the Bible where God wanted one thing and the people wanted another.
They always ended up in a terrible fix (ie slavery for hundreds of years under tyranny.)
No, it wasn't what God wanted. It was what they wanted.
You've heard the saying, "All that is required for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing."
-Just saying.


This election is different.
I mean, the whole world seems to be involved in this one.
Have you heard, even Putin is supposedly putting his two cents in on this one.


Well, so it goes.


My feelings are pretty strong, too.
I can't help it.
I'd like to just be quiet and say it doesn't matter, but it does - and for one reason.
Freedom.
That's it.
Our forefathers had wisdom and foresight when they wrote the Declaration of Independence, The Constitution.
Providence has led our nation.


Life is sacred.
Hard work should supersede entitlement.
Honesty is the best policy.
The more regulations, the more control, the less freedom we will have.
I say, freedom isn't just doing whatever you want - that results in chaos.
Freedom is being responsible, respectful, reliable, resilient.


Really.
I can't help but take this election seriously.
I consider it a privilege to have been born here in America.
I consider freedom a precious gift.
I understand the high price paid for this freedom.
My son is one who sacrificed his life.
Many people have given their lives through the ages
because they believed this freedom was worth dying for.




I leave you with words from President Ronald Reagan:

• We're at war with the most dangerous enemy that has ever faced mankind in his long climb from the swamp to the stars, and it's been said if we lose that war, and in so doing lose this way of freedom of ours, history will record with the greatest astonishment that those who had the most to lose did the least to prevent its happening.
• You and I are told increasingly that we have to choose between a left or right, but I would like to suggest that there is no such thing as a left or right. There is only an up or down —
• If we lose freedom here, there is no place to escape to. This is the last stand on Earth.
• One legislator accused me of having a nineteenth-century attitude on law and order. That is a totally false charge. I have an eighteenth-century attitude. That is when the Founding Fathers made it clear that the safety of law-abiding citizens should be one of the government's primary concerns.

Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn’t pass it on to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States where men were free.


I don't want to see that 'once upon a time' in this country.


Look around.
Think about it.

Who Knew What Happened In Benghazi

I spoke at a meeting recently, about the book, Thirteen Hours The Inside Account Of What Really Happened In Benghazi. There was much interest and I had planned on live-streaming. However, we were unable to live-stream in the building.

 Because of the interest of so many, I am high-lighting some of the main points of my talk (attacks and requests for help that took place in Benghazi in 2012 leading up to, and including 9-11-12.)
 What I share comes solely from the book written by Mitchell Zuckoff with the Annex Security Team (these are the guys who were there and I believe their account is accurate.)

Benghazi -

2011 Civil War in Benghazi with help from America, brought to end the rule of Gaddafi. After the war the absence of a working government, anti-Western sentiments, and an ample supply of weapons (raided from Gaddafi's armories, were thousands of AK-47s, pistols, assault rifles, grenades, mortars, rocket launchers and heavy machine guns that were then sold in markets and out of the trunks of vehicles) led to more and more violence in 2012.

2012 attacks in Benghazi -

April 2, British armored vehicle attacked.

April 6 homemade bomb was thrown over a wall at the US Special Mission Compound

April 10-another homemade bomb was lobbed at motorcade of UN Special Envoy to Libya

May- RPG (rocket propelled grenade) struck Benghazi offices of the International committee of the Red Cross.

June 6 - attacks escalate IED (improvised explosive device) blew a hole in a wall around the US diplomatic Compound

June 11 - RPG fired at a car carrying the British ambassador (1/2 mile from US Diplomatic Compound. The next day, the UK closed Benghazi consulate and evacuated its staffers.)

Early 2012 - J. Christopher Stevens became Ambassador who believed, "There is tremendous goodwill for the United States in Libya now." He arrived in Libya, May 26, 2012. His optimism was tested from the start by instability and violence.


Note - Two main buildings will be mentioned -1) The Annex where the CIA was and where GRS operators were. The GRS operators were former military (mostly special ops) independent contractors hired to guard diplomats and Americans in the field) - 2) The US Special Mission Compound where Ambassador Chris Stevens stayed and where DS Agents (law enforcement and security arm of State Department) were hired to safeguard the Secretary of State and visiting dignitaries.    

Requests for protection -
Early June, 2012 -  Ambassador Stevens sent an e-mail to State Department official in Washington asking for two six-man Mobile Security Detachments of specially trained DS agents be allowed to remain in Libya through the nations elections in July and August. "We would feel much safer if we could keep two MSD teams with us through this period to support our staff and provide a personal detail for me and the Deputy Chief of Mission and any VIP visitors." The request was denied.
 
June 25 - Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens sent a cable to Washington quoting local sources who said, "Islamic extremism" appeared to be rising in eastern Libya -al-Quaeda's black and white flag has been spotted flying over government buildings."

July 9, 2012 - Ambassador Stevens and embassy's security staff, led by a DS agent (Eric Nordstrom) asked the State Department to extend the presence of a Site Security Team (SST) consisting of sixteen active-duty military special operators. The State Department officials denied the request saying the DS agents and local hired guards could do the job. (The Defense Department's African Command which oversaw the unit (SST) was willing to extend their stay and offered twice. However, Ambassador Stevens would not buck the decision of the State Department in Washington.)

August 2012 - The State Department issued a severely worded travel warning for Libya, cautioning that "political violence in the form of assassinations and vehicle bombs has increased in both Benghazi and Tripoli....Inter-militia conflict can erupt at any time or any place in the country."


August 2, 2012 - Stevens sent another cable to Washington seeking more body guards. He wrote, "The security conditions in Libya - unpredictable, volatile and violent."  Request denied.

As the anniversary of 9-11 approached, which also coincided with the Ambassador's visit to Benghazi, there was a warning that GRS operators felt certain came from Washington - the cable warned: Be advised, we have reports from locals that a Western facility or US Embassy/Consulate/Government target will be attacked in the next week. (wording may not be exact but the unambiguous message was clear.)

September 6, 2012 - Stevens wrote in his diary, "Militias are power on the ground. Dicey conditions, including car bombs, attacks on consulate, Islamist 'hit list' in Benghazi. Me targeted on a prominent website..."

September 10, 2012 - Stevens arrives in Benghazi from Tripoli for a ribbon cutting ceremony at a local school. He has two DS agents to guard him. Three others are already stationed at the Special Missions Compound. In addition to the seven Americans, were four members of the 17 February militia  who lived near the front of the compound. One of the members had been absent for several days. the guards trustworthiness was questionable since the Compound "had been vandalized and attacked...by some of the same guards who were there to protect it."


Evening September 10, 2012 - a private meeting with Benghazi's mayor and city council was to take place. However, the local media was contacted - making a larger security threat. A DS agent called the Annex team for backup (note: the 17 February militia hired to do backup had refused to accompany the American diplomat's vehicle in protest. Even so, US officials still officially considered the 17February Martyr's Brigade ie. militia (large Islamist militia) to be a quick Reaction Force in event of an attack on the Compound.) Since militia refused to protect the ambassador, Tyrone Woods and Jack Silva (both GRS operators and former Navy SEALS) volunteered to accompany him.
 


September 11, 2012

Benghazi wakes at call to Fajr prayer.
6:43am Three men in a car slow to a stop north side of US diplomatic Compound. A man climbed to the second floor of a building that overlooked the Compound, recording what he saw on his phone camera. A guard spotted the photographer and went out to speak with him. The man denied doing anything wrong, got in the car and they all left. Stevens issued a complaint delivered to police authorities about the incident. No word back.


Quiet day
7:40 pm Stevens and a DS agent escort Turkish Consul General outside the main gate.
9:00 pm Annex team and Americans at Compound settle in for the night.
9:02 pm vehicle parks outside the main Compound gate for forty minutes, never engaging with
               anyone - guards nor anyone from Compound.
The moment the vehicle drives away shots and an explosion rang out. Several dozen men firing   AK-47s swarmed through the pedestrian entrance of the Compound's main gate. Guards who were to sound an alarm to alert DS agents, and serve as first line defense had been a huge mistake because they didn't do either. Instead they ran to find better trained DS agents...some ran and left the Compound. Attackers met no resistance and took control. They found five-gallon fuel cans and poured diesel fuel around the building, setting it on fire.
9:45 pm chief DS agent at US Embassy in Tripoli announces the Compound was under attack.
        -The two DS agents inside the TOC called the US Embassy in Tripoli, the CIA Annex, headquarters of the 17 February militia and the Diplomatic Security Command Center in Washington.
         -Within minutes of the attack, the seven Americans were separated into three locations - Two Benghazi-based DS agents were locked inside the TOC (a separate building from the Compound) two DS agents were barricaded inside the Cantina with a local guard, and Ambassador Chris Stevens and Sean Smith, and DS agent were left in the villa's safe haven (a 'secret' place for safety in the Compound.) With flames surrounding the building, and toxic smoke, it was not a safe place. Armed invaders made their way around the Compound firing their weapons and destroying and stealing whatever they liked.
          - Two way radios throughout Annex announced a meeting of all GRS to let them know the Compound was under attack.
           - From the US Embassy in Tripoli, Deputy Chief of Mission Gregory Hicks called the Operations Center at the State Department in Washington to report the attack. Calls went out to several Libyan political leaders as well.
           - the embassy's defense attaché called leaders of Libya's Air Force and other Libyan armed forces seeking help. Calls were made to officials at Benina International Airport to ask for logistical support and cooperation in anticipation of arrival of American operators from Tripoli (including former Navy SEAL Glen Doherty.)
           -calls went out from American diplomats to leaders of the 17 February militia, officials at the UN, and diplomats in friendly nations' embassies in Libya.
          - Hicks called Washington again with updates.

10:05 pm (4:05pm in Washington) the State Dept. Operations Cener issued an alert to the White House Situation Room, the FBI and Office of the Director of National Intelligence, among other government and intel agencies. "US Diplomatic Mission in Benghazi Under Attack. Approximately twenty armed people fired shots; explosions have been heard as well...."

GRS operators prepare to assist at Compound. Bob the base chief says to wait for his signal.
GRS operators again say, "We've gotta go!" Bob the base chief tells them to stand down. They need to wait.
GRS operators continue to say they need to go. The base chief continues to tell them to wait..'the local militia will handle it.'
DS agent radios about attack and base chief continues to tell GRS operators to stand down.
Being used to following orders GRS operators wait, but know they can't wait anymore.
GRS operators leave and drive to Compound.
In the meantime, DS agent Alec Henderson continued to communicate with the Tripoli embassy, the State Dept. in Washington.
Washington - Defense Secretary Leon Panetta later testified to Congress that two Marine security platoons stationed in Spain were ordered to prepare to go - a Special Operations force in central Europe was ordered to prepare to deploy, a US-based Special Operations team was told to get ready - consideration to send armed aircraft was decided against, Panetta said because of, "a problem of distance and time."
Hicks who was in Tripoli had been communicating with Washington, and had asked if any help was coming, and was told the nearest help was in Italy where Air Force fighter planes were two/three hours away but they'd need refueling and no tankers were available right then.
In the end, none of them were sent to Benghazi.
However, the GRS team from Tripoli was sent to Benghazi to help.


GRS operators enter the Compound, looking for Ambassador Stevens in the midst of the fire, to no avail.


The Americans are confronted over and over with firefights - one group of attackers would leave, there may be a lull, and another group would come, eventually, launching mortar after mortar.

Those who lost their lives -Tyrone Woods (former Navy SEAL) and Glen Doherty (former Navy SEAL) as well as Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens and Sean Smith (computer specialist.)




Sunrise September 12, 2012
6:22 am in Benghazi Surviving Americans prepared to leave.


This is the end of a summary of the events in Benghazi 2012, taken from the book, Thirteen Hours The Inside Account Of What Really Happened In Benghazi. There are many more details in the book told by the men who were there...more of their first hand accounts of what actually happened. I urge you as a reader to read this book.
In light of media coverage, and the idea that the "surprise, out-of-nowhere-attack" was "...because of a protest or because of guys out for a walk last night who decided to kill some Americans?"  I wanted to read, research on my own. As I stated at the beginning, I believe the accounts given by the men who were there. 


From all accounts written here- the timeline, the number of attacks and requests, could any or all of these  attacks been prevented?


You decide.


Benghazi happened.
Benghazi matters.

More Than A Memory

I miss you so much today.
Oh, I miss you everyday, but sometimes it's just about unbearable.
I can keep busy, like I am today....
but it doesn't matter.


I've gotten out.
Been to the farmer's market,
been to the grocery store,
visited with friends.
Smiled, listened and shared life.


I'm cleaning and organizing -
you'd be so proud....well, sort of.
I know. I could just throw it all away.
Why do I keep those scentsy burners? Isn't one enough?
Why do I have a basket of candles, and candleholders?
Why do I keep sheet music I don't play anymore?
Good question.
If you were here with me today, I could hear our conversation.
I'd end up keeping the sheet music and the scentsy burners.
You'd help carry my bags of treasures out to the dumpster with a smile.


I miss you so much it takes my breath away.
It hurts so much, and it's so unbelievable that I can't call you or text you.
I can hardly stand it.
I want to see you so much.


I have hope, and I know that one day I will see you.
But, there are times like this when it is the hardest thing ever to be without your
presence here, where I can see you.
In my mind's eye, I can see you standing against the wall, hands in your pockets, telling me a story and laughing away at something.


I'm listening to oldies on Pandora.
It went from Classical Christmas to those old songs.
I know you love Christmas music, and all kinds of music.
I know the music you're listening to in heaven is totally awesome, but I miss those times of hearing
music coming from your room, or times of talking about lyrics and different kinds of music and artists.


I drove your vehicle today. I love that it still smells like it did when you were here.
That clean, fresh smell.
Sometimes when I get in, I say, "Ok, Caleb. Here we go."
It hurts, but it helps to say your name out loud.


You know, you and your brothers and sister are my treasures.
It brightens up my day every time I hear from them and/or see them.
If only I could add you to the list of phone calls, or footsteps walking into our house.


I want to hear your laugh...want to see you sitting at the table with us,
or in the family room, laughing and talking....
I want to see you running down the street from one of your "short" runs...


I can see it all in my mind.
It is like you said so many times....
"Your treasures, your memories are right here," -
in my heart, and in my mind.
You were so right.
It's what I have.
I may not be able to see you face to face, but
the memories are treasures that are always there.


Oh, but
you are more than a memory.
So much more!


You are part of me, you are part of our family forever.
You are part of my life - our lives, for always.
You are more real than the air that we breathe...
more real than anything in this life.
You encompass all that we are.
Yes, we have memories,
but we have so much more
because we have you in our hearts, in our lives for always.


It hurts so much right now, but I know
I will keep on going on forward,
living and laughing and  crying...
listening to the music,
taking you with me everywhere I go.


The 'now' can be so hard without you.
Even though I know you're just a breath away,
right now it seems like you're so far away.


One day,
I know you'll be there at heaven's gates, waiting with that big smile
that I can hardly wait to see.


I love you so much, Caleb.
Oh.....I know you live on and it's wonderful in heaven.
 but,
 today
it would be so fine to see your face at my door.




(So Far Away by Carole King)