Happy Birthday America /Because of The Brave

Happy Birthday America.
For two hundred thirty-seven years you have survived.
There has been bloodshed.
There has been heartache.
There has been victory, prosperity.
There have been times of hardship, and times of harvests of plenty.


In 1776,  the Declaration of Independence was introduced, and with it, the knowledge and foresight of the high cost of freedom.

Happy Birthday America.
So many didn't think you'd make it.
Some still think you won't.
There are those who love you and will stand for you, and die for you.
There are those who hate what you stand for and try to tear you apart from the inside out.

Happy Birthday America.
Yes.
You are the land I love.
You are the land that so many have sacrificed for,
willing to come from foreign lands to grace your soil,
-willing to fight for it.
-willing to die for freedom.

Happy Birthday America.
I believe in you.
Many have given their lives through history, believing in the Declaration of Independence, "..that we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Happy Birthday America.
Today I celebrate with pride.
My son is part of the celebration.
Because of him, and men like him,
we can freely raise our US flags, and understand what it means to be free.

It is not without sacrifice.
It is with determination and a belief in the foundation of this country.
It is with perseverance and the integrity of honest men and women that we remain who we are today.

When I see the American flag, it brings hope, and gratitude to my heart.
My son died for the red, white and blue.
His life, his death - and of those before and after him will always
be engrafted in the colors of freedom.
That, is what I see when I see American flags in our neighborhoods.
That is what I see when I see flags in our business districts and windows.
That is what this mother holds dear as she joins with others in our fine country today
to celebrate another birthday.

Happy Birthday and God Bless America.

Memorial Day and Columbines

God knows what I need.

I was surprised when I saw Columbines growing in my flower garden.
I'm usually not very successful with flower or vegetable gardens, or plants in general.
The Columbines made me smile.
I have plants that are still alive, and now I have living flowers in my garden!
It's like a little bit of heaven peeking in on me.


 Memorial Day was a difficult day.
After writing about the dread I had of the day, I thought I should follow-up.


I got up early and went to the cemetery to put flags around the perimeter of Caleb's plot.

Yes, I'm one of those moms.
I always put flags out when Caleb was coming home.
In fact, during bootcamp I put a flag out for every week he was gone. He was gone sixteen long weeks.
I'd line the driveway with flags when he came home on leave.
I put flags out for every month he was deployed to Iraq, and Afghanistan.

I lined our driveway with flags when the Mayflower moving van made its last delivery of his belongings a few months ago.
It's what I did.
So, it seemed the normal thing for me to do.

I'd made an arrangement with flowers and big leaves (they reminded me of California, where he enjoyed living) and placed it over the dirt, that will hopefully be filled in with grass one day.

I'm glad I went to the service at the cemetery.
I actually did all right through most of it - sort of - until Taps was played.
Listening to Taps has  always made me want to cry.
But now, like Memorial Day, it is personal.
Taps is for my son.
Needless to say, tears trickled down my cheeks as I listened to the hushed melody.

I made it through the day,
 - with a little help from my friends.
My help comes from the Lord, and He sends friends to help lift my arms.
I am humbled and grateful for His constant care.

I must confess, I made more than one trip to the cemetery on Memorial Day.
I just had to be there.
I'd stand by Caleb's plot, and just look....
I played Carole King's "Child of Mine," the song
I'd sing when I'd think of Caleb in the Marines -
overseas, in tough training...just being away from home.

Tears flowed.
I sang along.
The lyrics were so true.

 I looked at the name plate.
"SSGT. Caleb Medley."
Unreal.
Yet, his life had gone full circle.
He did what he was called to do.
He finished his race.
He was home free.
No regrets.

In the sadness, there is peace,
even if I feel like my heart is being pulled through a razor fence every moment I'm awake.

Like I mentioned before, my memorial day is everyday.
But, there is hope-even through the sorrow.

It's noticing the little things - like the  Columbines in my garden.
It's seeing that my house plants are still alive.
It's hearing from my recon family.
It's meeting with my sweet, supportive friends.
It's walking my dog through the rain and feeling the refreshing sprinkles.

I am grateful.

In my lowliness, He lifts me up.

3 AM There Is Light

Awake at 3am.
In a few hours I shall attend the Memorial Day service.
I battled with the thought of going, but I know I will

Difficult?
Very.

Anguish of heart, and yet,
I must go on.
I must.

When I woke up the words to an old song rang through my mind.
The cross before me,
the world behind me.
No turning back.
No turning back.

I have no choice in my life.
With the last ounce of piercing pain at being separated from my son,
I cry out.
Nail pierced hands hold me.
It is how it is for me.
With each gut-wrencing cry,
hope sustains me even though there is no adequate description of how it hurts.

The cross before me.
It is how it is in my life.

Gethsemane.
I see Him, crying out, but there was no turning back.
No.
There is no turning back.

As difficult as it is,
this is my call in life now.
The road is narrow but...
there is light ahead.
So it is.

He carries me...through shadows dark.
He sustains me...

Though none go with me, still I will follow.
I know there are others on this rugged road.
Hearts broken and lives changed forever.

With every ounce of my being.
He takes my broken heart and life and
comforts and sooths my soul.

There is no pretense here...what good would that do?
Though it is hard, where else could I go, but to You.

In the morning, when the sun shines through,
I will arise and praise you.
You are  my strength, my shield.
My strong tower on this battlefield.
I have no place,
But to your arms I run.
You are my God, the faithful One.

Memorial Day ~ They Gave All/ A Moment At Three

I've always observed Memorial Day, remembering the brave men and women who gave all so I could be free - going to the memorial service at the cemetery, putting out my flag, visiting graves of those who served and gave.
When I thought about it this morning,
I felt sick....

I don't think I want to observe it this year.
No, I think I'd like to hide in the mountains somewhere...
in a cabin, secluded from the world.

Only, I know the mountains won't take the fact away that Memorial Day is now personal.
I can't get away from that no matter where I go.
Memorial Day includes my son.
Not just Civil War, World War I and II...not just the Vietnam War or Korean War men and women...not just people I admired for sacrificing their lives...

My son.

I thought about that...
My son gave his life because he believed in our constitution, in our country- one nation under God.

So I bucked up, pulled myself up by my Asics, and talked to myself...

Well then, by golly, there better be some memorializing going on.
My son did not give his life in vain.
I honor his life and his sacrifice.
Yes, it's tough, very tough.
But, I stand with so many mothers who had to say good-bye too soon.
I stand with wives who didn't know that 'I love you' kiss was the last they'd share.
I do not stand alone.
I believe we share,
along with the heartbreak, and the tears, an unshakeable confidence and peace. Pride in
the integrity and selflessness our children/spouses exuded
by serving their country.



To help re-educate and remind Americans of the true meaning of Memorial Day, the "National Moment of Remembrance" resolution was passed on Dec 2000 which asks that at 3 p.m. local time, for all Americans "To voluntarily and informally observe in their own way a Moment of remembrance and respect, pausing from whatever they are doing for a moment of silence or listening to 'Taps."

This Memorial Day, join in at three o'clock to remember those who gave their lives in the name of freedom.

I know I will.
I remember everyday.

On Missing Caleb

Today I was talking to one of my children.
"This sucks."
"Yes, it does," I sighed.
Waking up everyday, realizing Caleb isn't here is just hard.

There are days I think I'll wake up and this will all be a dream.
The doorbell will ring, and Caleb will be at the door - Surprise!
We'll hug his neck.
Caleb will laugh and say, "Ah!"
It will be the greatest reunion ever.

But,
I know that isn't going to happen.
This present reality is still too hard for me to grasp.
It just is.

There is no easy way to explain, but I'll try.

I wake up and the feeling is there.
The empty, gut-punching feeling of missing Caleb.
Knowing he isn't here.

Separation from my child is too much to take in.
Numbness still hurts, but when it wears off, as it
does, the raw pain in my heart is like none I've ever known.
Like an open, raw-to-the-bone gash, as wide as the Grand Canyon.
I believe the pain is released in small increments because otherwise we wouldn't be able to take it.

I've heard it said, if we felt the full impact of this separation, we would literally die of heartbreak.
Sometimes it feels that way....
Heartbreak hurts like crazy.

Yet,
I have hope.
I have assurance.
There is absolutely no doubt about it.
I know that I know that I know I will see my son again someday.

It's the now that is hard.
It's the time here binding us to this earth that is hard.
He is living in a place where time does not bind, because time is eternal.

We are held here by life ties, responsibilities, and a path we still need to travel.
He is beyond this sphere. His earth journey is over.
Ours continues.
No, I don't have a death wish.
I'm not depressed nor do I feel despair.
Yet, in my little life here on this earth -
It's the now that I miss with him.
The now of seeing his face and hearing his voice.
The now of hugging him and listening to him.
The now of his life with us.
That is what is hard.
That is why it hurts.

On the outside it may appear everything is back to normal here on Paradise.
Things are not, and will never be back to normal on Paradise.
It's not a doom and gloom thing.
It's reality.
Our lives are changed forever.
There will be a vacancy at our table  - always.
That seat where Caleb sat.
There will always be a lull in our conversations - time when Caleb
would have said something undoubtedly funny and profound.

Yet, I hold on to hope, knowing that he is not so far away.
No matter how I feel, he is nearer than we think.
His life continues to change our lives.
His presence is always with us - wherever we go, whatever we do.
His influence continues to mold us.

We reach upward -
knowing that this light affliction, this suffering we experience now will one day pass away, and will seem as nothing because of the glory we will share with Caleb (2 Corinthians 4:17.)
Our trail blazer is living on in heaven, and will be there to welcome us home.

Right now my heart breaks because I miss him so much.
In my brokenness I cry, "Abba, Daddy," and He's there.
My God covers me with his comfort and peace -
even in the midst of the pain.

Yes,
It is well with my soul,
even when the tears are falling.

This longing will one day be fulfilled.
I know -
And what a day, glorious day that will be.

A Little Light In The Darkness/Layo Here We Go

I attempt to grasp this new reality, but at times it is too hurtful to hold.
I lean on the cross - He is my strength, my joy, my peace
even in the midst of pain.

A few weeks ago we went to California for Caleb's memorial service.
We stayed on base, which I thought would be a good thing.
Wrong.
We drove through many familiar areas.

This was not a good idea.
Memories confronted me on every side, taking stabs at my shredded emotions.
I remembered Caleb driving here, and there - telling me stories along the way.

This was where we stayed when we visited.
That was the room we stayed in when Caleb had surgery.
I could hardly stand it.

I sat in the room alone for a while.
Cried.
Took a much needed nap.

I walked along familiar paths.
Again tears came.
Cleansing.

That first evening we were invited to a cook-out with our Recon family.
Like warm blankets wrapped around us, the love and closeness we shared
helped all of us.

Staying on base wasn't so hard after that.

I woke up before the sun graced the sky.
Walked over to the main building for breakfast.

Lights from a long line of military trucks shone along the road near where we stayed.

All was silent.
Then, off in the distance I heard it.
The early morning song.
Marines in formation, .
I couldn't make out the words, but
I recognized the sound
of
the
cadence.

What a welcome sound.
I was listening to something my son had taken part in
as a Marine.
An early morning melody that brought peace and assurance to my heart.

These days
I don't choose what triggers tears.
It surprises me what makes me feel better.
It's just how it is.

The early morning cadence reminded me of
the tradition my son shared.

As the rhythm continued I heard it -
Motivation,
Dedication,
Initiative,
Endurance,
Courage,
Structure,
Discipline,
Purpose.
Order,
Teamwork,
Pride.

I felt secure, safe.
Quiet confidence filled the air.
I was proud of my son and who he was.
I was proud of what he did.

I put my hands in my pockets, and walked a little taller.

You did so well, Caleb.

A tear trickled down my face.
But, there was peace.

A glimmer of light lifted my heart as I walked in the darkness.

Layo.
Here we go.



There are many cadences.
The link I share is
to share a glimpse similar to what I heard that morning.

Waiting for Caleb's Belongings

The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want.
I walk through the valley of the shadow of death and I will fear no evil.
Your rod and your staff they comfort me.

Words cannot describe my feelings right now, as I await the arrival of the moving van with my son's belongings, his car and his motorcycle.

How can I do this?
How can I watch as this truck makes its way to my home with everything from my son's world?
The world he left a little over three weeks ago - anyway that's what the calendar says.
For me - time only tells me that he is not here.

I awaited the moving van's arrival a few years ago when he came home.
It was exciting and I anticipated the moment that truck would come rolling down my street.


It came again when he re-enlisted.
Not much to load.
"Travel light" was his motto.
I stood in the yard, and watched as the truck left...
he was off on a new adventure, this pathfinder son. He was following his dream, his destiny.
He was ready.

I was at peace. I knew it was what he was meant to do.
I prayed -
Godspeed my warrior son.

I don't know what to expect today.
Right now, I feel sick at my stomach.
Tears sting my eyes.
I'd like it all to be a dream.
But, I know it's not.

I know my son will not be coming home with his stuff this time, and that is
almost more than I can take in.
There must be some mistake.
Only I know there isn't.

I've never been down this road, and right now it seems like a movie being played out in the reality of my life.
I'm living a part I can't get away from.

The Lord is my shepherd.
It's not just a saying - he really is.
He has to be.
His rod and his staff they comfort me.

I know the meaning of walking through the valley of the shadow of death.
It is a valley right now.
It hurts.
But, I can't back out.
I can't walk away.
I have to walk through it.
There is a shadow...I don't like it.
I'd rather the sun being shining bright, and the world be like it was...
However, nothing is the same.

Death, where is your sting?
Love conquered all.
Hope lives in my heart despite the shadow.

My heavenly  Father has not failed me - ever.
He will be with me.
He will uphold me with the right hand of his righteousness.
His peace and his love envelop me.

It is where I am.
It is where I am called right now.
I can do all things through Christ who is my strength.
His words are life to my bones, and health to my being.
The healing balm of Gilead is mine.

Selah.