Sometimes it's like being benched.
The only difference is,
I'm still doing things.
Going through the motions of life.
When deep inside I feel like a spectator
watching all the activity going on around me.
I'm on the team,
but not really
a participant.
Yet, I know
Somehow,
even in this timeout
there is purpose.
I've talked about brokenness.
Some don't like that word.
'I'm not broken,' they say.
It's ok if they're not.
But, some don't think I should be broken
either.
I need to bounce back up.
Get back in the race.
Put on a happy face.
I can have a happy face.
I can have joy in my heart.
But, the brokenness is still there
in my heart.
In this timeout
I am learning everyday.
I know
I don't know anything much
apart from my Father.
I don't have answers, but I know He does.
He doesn't always share them with me, but it's all right.
It has to be.
Even if it isn't.
I don't know this me.
I'm not the same person.
Friends on this same journey have shared how it is true,
and it's normal.
Our lives do not return to 'normal.'
Life does not resume and continue like it was before.
It can't.
There is nothing about it that is the same.
Life is seen through different eyes.
Timeout.
Re-establish what is important.
I don't have the option of being elusive.
I don't have the energy to pretend.
Brokenness has shown me what I can embrace, and what to let go.
I'm still a toddler in this race.
Sometimes I get up, think I can do this, and fall back down.
A big, strong hand is always there to pick me up.
Hold me if I need it.
Balance me so I can stand.
I can't run this race without Him.
He looks me in the eye,
and encourages me
to keep on going.
Keep on trusting.
Keep on believing.
It may look like I'm benched.
But I really am running.
The race is not mine alone.
He runs with me.
He's my coach, my mentor, my everything.
He ran it before me, and knows I can do this.
I've not taken the easy road.
But, I really didn't have a choice.
The choice I have is whether to keep going-
To continue in the race,
or to withdraw.
I choose the race.
When I am in timeout,
He is right there
coaching, reassuring, giving me pointers
to help me along.
Broken as I am
I need him every minute of
every single day.
Benched?
That's the crazy thing about it.
It's like the guy who goes in,
plays with all his heart,
and the next thing you know he's on the bench again.
If you weren't watching you missed him.
Benched?
Maybe that's what it looks like,
even to me at times.
It may not look like I'm on the field, on the court,
standing guard, or making the plays.
It may not look like much,
But it's ok.
I know I'm suited up.
I will follow His lead
even if it's in timeout.
My coach knows the score.
He has no doubt....
and in the end -
We
win.
