There is nothing quite like it.
Nothing like hearing that first cry.
Nothing like the first time you lay eyes on that sweet little life.
Nothing like the first touch, the first second you hold that little bundle in your arms.
I remember each pregnancy and how overwhelmingly emotional it was to think there was a little life in my tummy - an actual human person!
My first thoughts were always -
This is so surreal.
I feel so unprepared.
What an awesome responsibility.
This was a life I was going to be entrusted with to love, raise, and mold.
To me that was huge.
Even when I could still fit in my skinny jeans (they were bell bottoms or parachute pants back in those days,)
I started talking to the little life I carried.
I would say things like, "I know we haven't met yet, but you are so special."
I would pat my tummy and tell that little one, "I love you so much."
With each pregnancy,
I would pray over their lives, and talk to my heavenly Father about them.
When it got closer to delivery, I was so uncomfortable, and yet - the thought of that little life
coming into this foreign, imperfect world was difficult.
Of course, I knew that little life couldn't live in my tummy forever (nor did I want that!) but
I knew they would face the challenges of life, the minute they wiggled free from that snug cocoon where they had lived for nine months.
For me, everything this life had to offer faded in comparison to the greatest calling of my life.
With the delivery of each little life, I wanted to be the best mom I could be.
There is nothing like the joy of holding my babies close, looking into those
trusting little eyes -
eyes that looked at me with all the trust and adoration in the world.
The cuddly, dependent years made way for other adventures in a mother's dream.
There were the toddler years...I refused to call them the 'terrible' twos or threes...they were the terrific twos, the thrilling threes, the fantastic fours, the fabulous fives.
There was the crayon artwork on the walls, the floor covered with cocoa and flour (that's when I truly realized I really did have to put some things up higher) - those were the days of slobbery kisses and hugs. There were sticky hands, and "Mommy, I don't ever want to leave you when I grow up." I would say, "You don't have to." But, I knew the day would come when they would want to and would be ready to fly away.
There is nothing like the joy of watching a toddler waddle and wobble across a room - nothing like listening as coos, and babbles turn into fully understood sentences.
Nothing like hearing little voices say, "I love you Mommy."
Grade school, middle school and even high school were fun, and awkward years at times...for all of us.
We all wanted to grow up and do well - I think we all grew together. After all, parenting books cannot and do not answer all real life questions and situations.
I wanted to be a good mom. I wanted to set clear, healthy boundaries, but I wanted them to know I loved them so much, no matter what.
There were flashcards, and book reports, science fair projects - and there were pajama rides to Dairy Queen and picnics in the winter on a big blanket in the living room.
There were peewee wrestling matches with over-the-top screaming parents who scared me more than watching my little guys wrestle.
There were dance classes and gymnastics and band and choir and staying home on snow days.
Those years were the beginning of the crazy hamster wheel that wouldn't stop, with sports, and all activities that five children can be a part of in a small town.
We had wonderful teen-age years - wonderful memories overshadow any of the difficulties we had. Those were the busy, crazy, fun years of traveling far and wide for games, band contests/ski trips. There were plays, and play-offs, proms and all night after prom parties. There were cheerleading camps, football camps, basketball camps...then there were scholarship letters (except for Caleb) and college visits, (except for Caleb.) No matter what, I would always tell myself, "These years will be gone one day - enjoy every moment."
And I did. I may have been the over-the-top mom who went to everything, and was there for everything, but looking back, I wouldn't change a thing.
Oh, a mother's dream.
Something that remains important to me as a mom was/is to pray for my children. I prayed for them before they were born, I prayed for them every night when I tucked them in. We prayed together before we went out the door to school - or on the way to school. I read Bible stories to them, sang and taught them songs. They went to Awanas, church camps and yes, I remember the days we were in church every time the doors were open.
I stressed how God is a good God. People will let you down. Churches and pastors can let you down. But, those are people. God is not that way.
One by one, my five grew up and left home to find their way in the world I was so hesitant for them to have to experience.
Then, there was moving them to college...watching them develop into fine young adults.
I see them now, my adult children. I love them with all my heart, and know they love me.
That's a great gift.
Every mother's dream.
Something a mother never dreams, is to have to experience her sweet child's life on earth, beginning to end - that child's life... that child you loved before he/she was born- that child you cared for when he/she was sick... the child you would go to bat for if someone was not treating him/her right.
A mother never dreams her child will leave life before she does.
She never thinks she will read the first to the last chapters of that child's life...
but, is it the last chapter?
Because Caleb is in heaven, I have seen his story unfold, I could say, in its entirety,
but that is not true.
His story is still unfolding, even though he isn't here in person.
I see dreams fulfilled beyond measure, in the lives he continues to impact.
I continue to hear stories of how Caleb's life is motivating and changing lives daily.
I know of babies who are named after him because of the impact he made on the parents' lives.
A mother's dream is never to have to outlive her child. It is devastatingly hard. It is heartbreaking.
It is difficult every day.
But, everyday I put one foot in front of the other and know that this broken road
brings joy.
Somehow, there is peace in the valley.
This mother's dream is to have the love of my children, to enjoy this family together - to be able to watch their lives unfold till I leave for Glory - and one fine day,
for us all to be together again with Caleb, with the One who created us.
I know I may not have the words, but He will know my heart.
I will bow in gratitude for the life I've had, for the children He blessed me with.
Because of His goodness, He entrusted me in all my humanness, with these five.
What a miracle.
What a blessing.
What a dream come true for this mom.
To all moms - have a blessed Mother's Day.
