In my last blog I said the road isn't necessarily lonely, even though there are times we feel alone.
Let me quote -
"It's a private road, this road.
The only people on it are those who have no choice.
I'd say lonely, but it's not.
Not really.
Yet feeling alone is part of it, because sometimes the feelings are hard to express.
It hurts - a lot."
This morning I know lonely.
It is when there is a letter in the mail, an email, or a phone call pertaining to our child who is no longer with us.
When you feel your whole self being turned inside out, while it's being ripped apart -
when it seems the earth is opening up and the world is spinning.
One definition of lonely is - Sad because one has no friends or company
Another definition is - without companions, solitary.
Yet another definition is - (of a place) unfrequented and remote.
I'm not lonely because I have no friends.
I'm not lonely because I'm in a remote area (although I am in a remote area geographically.)
The lonely I am experiencing is the last one - solitary, existing alone, and without companions.
It is a place where you want to cry out and call someone, have someone there, but even if you did you'd be alone in this place where life shakes you up.
It's where the pain you feel is yours alone to bear for the time.
There is no place to take it.
It's yours.
Well, today it's mine.
I don't even know if I can talk about it right now.
But, if you're on this road maybe you understand.
Just when you think you know all you can know, you have everything that is yours now,
you get a surprise.
And maybe it's not bad - what can be worse than the knock at the door, right?
It's just something else, something new.
Recently, someone who probably meant well (they all do, don't they?) said, "I would think you would have made peace with the situation by now."
I told this person there are days when it's just hard.
With the military it continues - it's never easy.
When another family is going to get that knock at the door, you dread it for them.
When you hear of another casualty, another young life gone, it hits your heart.
Sometimes there are just things that come up.
To that I was told, "That's just the devil."
When I am confounded by what people say, I'm slow to respond.
It takes me hours to think of what I should've said.
Instead, I say nothing.
Peace? There is peace knowing where my child is.
Other than that, I am not ok with him being gone.
The peace that I have goes beyond my understanding, and it's not something
I can conjure up and say, "Oh, it's ok. I'm fine with Caleb not being here."
No. That's not how it is.
But, again - there is peace that I don't understand.
Oh, and
things come up.
It's not the devil.
There may be something
in the mail. Or maybe it's a phone call or
a message. It's on the news or maybe it's something else.
It's something that takes you by surprise and scrapes against the
open, gaping wound.
It brings you to your knees and tears flow.
Times like this, when you'd like someone to just be there -
it wouldn't help, anyway.
It's just a hard spot on this road.
Maybe you have been there, or are there.
Maybe you'd like to share.
I'm open to listen.
It's tough, but what are you going to do?
There is no salve to put on this jab to an open wound.
It is painful, and yet -
I pray in the hardness, there is some comfort.
The hard part, is no matter what else there is to say about the death,
no matter what -
nothing will bring back our loved ones.
Nothing will bring back my son.
As hard as 'news' is, somehow it is welcome.
It has to do with my son.
It has something to do with his life.
It's crazy - and that's why 'lonely' is the isolated place.
There are no words.
It just is.
There are tears, and yet there are hugs to my heart.
Later, when I know more, I'll see how I respond.
Right now, the person I am thinks I should be strong, but it isn't working.
I am in a quiet whirlwind of thought, anticipation, and sadness all at the same time.
I am still.
I am waiting in the lonely, solitary place -
for now.
