I miss you so much today.
Oh, I miss you everyday, but sometimes it's just about unbearable.
I can keep busy, like I am today....
but it doesn't matter.
I've gotten out.
Been to the farmer's market,
been to the grocery store,
visited with friends.
Smiled, listened and shared life.
I'm cleaning and organizing -
you'd be so proud....well, sort of.
I know. I could just throw it all away.
Why do I keep those scentsy burners? Isn't one enough?
Why do I have a basket of candles, and candleholders?
Why do I keep sheet music I don't play anymore?
Good question.
If you were here with me today, I could hear our conversation.
I'd end up keeping the sheet music and the scentsy burners.
You'd help carry my bags of treasures out to the dumpster with a smile.
I miss you so much it takes my breath away.
It hurts so much, and it's so unbelievable that I can't call you or text you.
I can hardly stand it.
I want to see you so much.
I have hope, and I know that one day I will see you.
But, there are times like this when it is the hardest thing ever to be without your
presence here, where I can see you.
In my mind's eye, I can see you standing against the wall, hands in your pockets, telling me a story and laughing away at something.
I'm listening to oldies on Pandora.
It went from Classical Christmas to those old songs.
I know you love Christmas music, and all kinds of music.
I know the music you're listening to in heaven is totally awesome, but I miss those times of hearing
music coming from your room, or times of talking about lyrics and different kinds of music and artists.
I drove your vehicle today. I love that it still smells like it did when you were here.
That clean, fresh smell.
Sometimes when I get in, I say, "Ok, Caleb. Here we go."
It hurts, but it helps to say your name out loud.
You know, you and your brothers and sister are my treasures.
It brightens up my day every time I hear from them and/or see them.
If only I could add you to the list of phone calls, or footsteps walking into our house.
I want to hear your laugh...want to see you sitting at the table with us,
or in the family room, laughing and talking....
I want to see you running down the street from one of your "short" runs...
I can see it all in my mind.
It is like you said so many times....
"Your treasures, your memories are right here," -
in my heart, and in my mind.
You were so right.
It's what I have.
I may not be able to see you face to face, but
the memories are treasures that are always there.
Oh, but
you are more than a memory.
So much more!
You are part of me, you are part of our family forever.
You are part of my life - our lives, for always.
You are more real than the air that we breathe...
more real than anything in this life.
You encompass all that we are.
Yes, we have memories,
but we have so much more
because we have you in our hearts, in our lives for always.
It hurts so much right now, but I know
I will keep on going on forward,
living and laughing and crying...
listening to the music,
taking you with me everywhere I go.
The 'now' can be so hard without you.
Even though I know you're just a breath away,
right now it seems like you're so far away.
One day,
I know you'll be there at heaven's gates, waiting with that big smile
that I can hardly wait to see.
I love you so much, Caleb.
Oh.....I know you live on and it's wonderful in heaven.
but,
today
it would be so fine to see your face at my door.
(So Far Away by Carole King)
