Wednesday, February 26, 2014

My Son Caleb



How can I condense everything I'm thinking, feeling, into words?
Caleb.
Born the 25th.
Departed this life the 26th.
Caleb,
It was like you were here for one day. One glorious day -
and you made every second of that one day count.
You, my child, my treasure.
So many have said, "A parent should never lose a child. It is not the way it's supposed to be."
No. It isn't.
When a child is born, no parent thinks he/she will have to say good bye till eternity, to that son/daughter.
No. It is out of order, and feels so backwards. Nothing about it seems right.

I felt so lost on your birthday.
Whether you were home or deployed, or in training somewhere,
 I sent my love, and joy at having you, my son.
We'd talk or text...or I could send you a gift or card.
So, yesterday, for a brief second I'd think - I haven't sent Caleb a card or I have to call Caleb....I have to text Caleb!
The realization that you are not here made my heart drop.
It didn't make sense.
I wandered, not sure what to do, or how to come to grips with this new reality.

I thought about the day you were born and what an amazing person you are,
and even though my heart broke all over again, I smiled.
Your life was such a gift.
You, my generous gift, gave so much to life.
Your life here was one huge adventure.
I know...I'm your mom.
You always had direction, and you went full force into whatever you were doing, wherever you were going.

You brought so much joy into life.
'Know what? You are not in the  'past,' son.
You are still bringing smiles, and laughter to life.
Not a person I know, can talk about you without smiling.
You have that effect on people.
I may have tears, but there will always be a smile.

Last year, this day, this afternoon, you departed from this earthly sphere.
Though my heart is rent to pieces, I think of you, and where you are.
I know you are safe. I know you are never sick, or in pain.
I know you are still going headlong into whatever you're doing, or wherever you're going.
I know you are having the time of your everlasting life.
Knowing where you are makes all the difference.

I know you are bowing down in worship, standing in praise before our heavenly Father.
I know you are in the greatest company ever, with oceans of wonderful people.
I know you are making them laugh.
I know you are driving the coolest motorcycle ever, through the heavenlies - with no speed limits.
I know heaven is more beautiful than we can even imagine, and it's where you are.

On your birthday, we celebrate your life here.
Today, we celebrate the beginning of the flawless perfection of your everlasting life.

I don't know how I will be today...this afternoon...tonight or at one-thirty in the morning when the Marines came to our door last year....I have that gut-wrenching feeling even now. I don't know much. I've never been through this day before.
It is hard to imagine.
This is a tough day.
But, I know my God bottles my tears.
He carries me and understands my broken mother heart.

Father, on this day, I ask you to be with Caleb's Recon brothers in a special way. They were with him that day.... Lord, minister to their hearts with your healing, loving touch. I pray for all of Caleb's friends, that you would be ever so close to their hearts. I lift up my children, and know you have carried us through this year, and will continue to be our strength. Father, I thank you for the gift of your Son Jesus, who came to this world so we could know you, and because of his death and resurrection we can have that hope of eternity in heaven. I thank you Lord, for Caleb - for the wonderful gift you brought to my life. Would you tell him hello?  Please tell him we love him, miss him, and can't wait to see his smiling face again.
Thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness in caring for, and loving us. In Jesus' name. Amen.



Tuesday, February 25, 2014

My Grief Journey/Rubberband Time





February 22, 2014
I want to pull time back like a giant rubber band, and just hold it off a while longer -
so a year doesn't come -
(I can't believe it's almost been a year. It's heart-ripping new everyday)
so Caleb's birthday is still in the future.
(hard to think of the day of his birth without him on this earth.)

I can't believe it's almost been a year.
It is still so surreal, so hard to wrap my mind around it.
The hurt, the separation is so difficult.
Hard to explain.

I know the day will be here in just three days.
The birth date of my son, Caleb.
It breaks my heart that he won't be here, and yet....
the day he entered this world he impacted life like no one else.
He was born with a mission.
I know, I was there.
He was special born.
God had a specific plan for his life, and he
started living that plan, even before he let out that first cry.

Somehow...we will get through this.
There is One who holds us close, and gives us strength.
He's never failed us yet.
Selah.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Alone? Sometimes - But Not Alone



2013.
2014.

In my heart time continues to stand still.
Time passes on the pages of the calendar, yes.
But, where do the days go?

Christmas.
The celebration of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
A quiet, sweet, and peaceful time.
Lights shone from our Christmas tree.
We opened gifts.
Read the Christmas story.
Missing, yet
feeling close to Caleb-
knowing Christmas is everyday in heaven.

Silent Night.
The song I heard over and over, wherever I went during the season.
God's message to my heart.

New Year's Eve.
Shopping that crazy, busy evening before the grocery store closed.
"Happy New Year."
I smiled.
What do they mean by happy new year?
Happy?
How different my life is now.
I didn't fit in that world of celebration.
Alone in a world full of people.

A few weeks ago
I was not feeling well.
It was a difficult time, but it past.
I rested - much needed rest, after a year of such difficult decisions and heartbreak.

It is in those times God is free to speak.
Only He didn't say much.
It was a silent time.

Sometimes there were tears, as I missed my son.
God was my comfort.
In silence.

Recently, I said good bye for now to another friend.
Heaven bound.
Glory for him.
Tough for us still here.

A dear friend posted this at just the right time -
"Never try to help God fulfill His word. Abram went through thirteen years of silence, but in those years all of his self-sufficiency was destroyed. He grew past the point of relying on his own common sense. Those years of silence were a time of discipline, not a period of God’s displeasure. There is never any need to pretend that your life is filled with joy and confidence; just wait upon God and be grounded in Him."
--Oswald Chambers


He has spoken to my heart.
"Be still and know that I am God."
Ok.

I've gained precious
nuggets from God's Word -
Abram/Abraham and his testing times - Ah, God's faithfulness.
Solomon. To everything there is a season. Fear God - trust him above all in this temporary life.
Job. God is bigger. How can I question God who created everything with just his Word? - Lean on the God who is more than enough. Ah, our God who restores.

I have nothing in myself.
I have no self-sufficiency.
I have no wisdom on my own.
I can't answer the hard questions of life.
I am broken before him.
Yet, I trust him.
He has carried me through the difficulties of life.

I can't pretend.
My face  always gives my heart away.
My life is filled with only confidence in the One I serve.

In silence I wait.
I am alone, but I'm not.
I am broken.
But he is the one who makes me whole.
I don't know much.
But I serve the One who knows all.
Selah.

(Alone Yet Not Alone sung by Joni Eareckson Tada)