Alone? Sometimes - But Not Alone

2013.
2014.

In my heart time continues to stand still.
Time passes on the pages of the calendar, yes.
But, where do the days go?

Christmas.
The celebration of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
A quiet, sweet, and peaceful time.
Lights shone from our Christmas tree.
We opened gifts.
Read the Christmas story.
Missing, yet
feeling close to Caleb-
knowing Christmas is everyday in heaven.

Silent Night.
The song I heard over and over, wherever I went during the season.
God's message to my heart.

New Year's Eve.
Shopping that crazy, busy evening before the grocery store closed.
"Happy New Year."
I smiled.
What do they mean by happy new year?
Happy?
How different my life is now.
I didn't fit in that world of celebration.
Alone in a world full of people.

A few weeks ago
I was not feeling well.
It was a difficult time, but it past.
I rested - much needed rest, after a year of such difficult decisions and heartbreak.

It is in those times God is free to speak.
Only He didn't say much.
It was a silent time.

Sometimes there were tears, as I missed my son.
God was my comfort.
In silence.

Recently, I said good bye for now to another friend.
Heaven bound.
Glory for him.
Tough for us still here.

A dear friend posted this at just the right time -
"Never try to help God fulfill His word. Abram went through thirteen years of silence, but in those years all of his self-sufficiency was destroyed. He grew past the point of relying on his own common sense. Those years of silence were a time of discipline, not a period of God’s displeasure. There is never any need to pretend that your life is filled with joy and confidence; just wait upon God and be grounded in Him."
--Oswald Chambers

He has spoken to my heart.
"Be still and know that I am God."
Ok.

I've gained precious
nuggets from God's Word -
Abram/Abraham and his testing times - Ah, God's faithfulness.
Solomon. To everything there is a season. Fear God - trust him above all in this temporary life.
Job. God is bigger. How can I question God who created everything with just his Word? - Lean on the God who is more than enough. Ah, our God who restores.

I have nothing in myself.
I have no self-sufficiency.
I have no wisdom on my own.
I can't answer the hard questions of life.
I am broken before him.
Yet, I trust him.
He has carried me through the difficulties of life.

I can't pretend.
My face  always gives my heart away.
My life is filled with only confidence in the One I serve.

In silence I wait.
I am alone, but I'm not.
I am broken.
But he is the one who makes me whole.
I don't know much.
But I serve the One who knows all.
Selah.

(Alone Yet Not Alone sung by Joni Eareckson Tada)