My Son Caleb

How can I condense everything I'm thinking, feeling, into words?
Caleb.
Born the 25th.
Departed this life the 26th.
Caleb,
It was like you were here for one day. One glorious day -
and you made every second of that one day count.
You, my child, my treasure.
So many have said, "A parent should never lose a child. It is not the way it's supposed to be."
No. It isn't.
When a child is born, no parent thinks he/she will have to say good bye till eternity, to that son/daughter.
No. It is out of order, and feels so backwards. Nothing about it seems right.

I felt so lost on your birthday.
Whether you were home or deployed, or in training somewhere,
 I sent my love, and joy at having you, my son.
We'd talk or text...or I could send you a gift or card.
So, yesterday, for a brief second I'd think - I haven't sent Caleb a card or I have to call Caleb....I have to text Caleb!
The realization that you are not here made my heart drop.
It didn't make sense.
I wandered, not sure what to do, or how to come to grips with this new reality.

I thought about the day you were born and what an amazing person you are,
and even though my heart broke all over again, I smiled.
Your life was such a gift.
You, my generous gift, gave so much to life.
Your life here was one huge adventure.
I know...I'm your mom.
You always had direction, and you went full force into whatever you were doing, wherever you were going.

You brought so much joy into life.
'Know what? You are not in the  'past,' son.
You are still bringing smiles, and laughter to life.
Not a person I know, can talk about you without smiling.
You have that effect on people.
I may have tears, but there will always be a smile.

Last year, this day, this afternoon, you departed from this earthly sphere.
Though my heart is rent to pieces, I think of you, and where you are.
I know you are safe. I know you are never sick, or in pain.
I know you are still going headlong into whatever you're doing, or wherever you're going.
I know you are having the time of your everlasting life.
Knowing where you are makes all the difference.

I know you are bowing down in worship, standing in praise before our heavenly Father.
I know you are in the greatest company ever, with oceans of wonderful people.
I know you are making them laugh.
I know you are driving the coolest motorcycle ever, through the heavenlies - with no speed limits.
I know heaven is more beautiful than we can even imagine, and it's where you are.

On your birthday, we celebrate your life here.
Today, we celebrate the beginning of the flawless perfection of your everlasting life.

I don't know how I will be today...this afternoon...tonight or at one-thirty in the morning when the Marines came to our door last year....I have that gut-wrenching feeling even now. I don't know much. I've never been through this day before.
It is hard to imagine.
This is a tough day.
But, I know my God bottles my tears.
He carries me and understands my broken mother heart.

Father, on this day, I ask you to be with Caleb's Recon brothers in a special way. They were with him that day.... Lord, minister to their hearts with your healing, loving touch. I pray for all of Caleb's friends, that you would be ever so close to their hearts. I lift up my children, and know you have carried us through this year, and will continue to be our strength. Father, I thank you for the gift of your Son Jesus, who came to this world so we could know you, and because of his death and resurrection we can have that hope of eternity in heaven. I thank you Lord, for Caleb - for the wonderful gift you brought to my life. Would you tell him hello?  Please tell him we love him, miss him, and can't wait to see his smiling face again.
Thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness in caring for, and loving us. In Jesus' name. Amen.
♥