Dear Caleb,
I'm sitting at my desk, looking up at our family picture. I remember the night we had those pictures taken and how blessed I felt to have all my children together before you deployed to Iraq.
Oh Caleb. tears stream down my face as I think of you. I miss you more than words can express. My heart is torn and yet so proud. What an honor to be your mom.
I know you'd guffaw that, because in your eyes, you were always, "just Caleb." You never wanted any recognition for yourself, and were always there for others. You gave and lived and laughed more than anyone I know.
Because of your life, my son, my life is so different now.
I want to tell you about the last two weeks.
We went to California for the Recon Challenge. It is always wonderful to be there with your Recon brothers. I always think of you as I watch them do the over-the-top maneuvers while carrying the names of the fallen. I think of you and Mark doing the Challenge and coming in second place - right after you got back from Afghanistan - crazy amazing. Chris and Zach carried your name this year. I'm thinking you already know that. I love spending time with these guys - they always have some "Caleb" stories and of course, I love that. They continue to honor you Caleb. They love you and are so kind to us. ~ Awesome men - like you.
When we got home from the Challenge, I did laundry, re-packed and flew out to Washington D.C. for a TAPS conference and for Memorial Day. TAPS is a really good organization for families of the fallen. I spent time with other Gold Star moms, and got to spend time with Gold Star wives and their little children as well. Oh, Caleb....it broke my heart to see all those little children with no daddies. So many amazing (I know, I should find another word besides amazing....haha.) wives raising and caring for the little lives left in their care. TAPS is good for us - we can talk about you all we want. There are pictures of you and so many others. It is so helpful.
Memorial Day in DC was as it should be. It honored all those who sacrificed their lives, which now includes you.
Guess what - you'll never guess. I rode with Rolling Thunder. Ha! I know, you're saying like Collen said - "Weird....cool, but weird." Imagine your mom on the back of a Harley - it was a trike - ok, so you can imagine that - I know..it's still weird - - but cool. I thought of you while I rode with one of 900,000 bikers who rode from the Pentagon to the Vietnam Memorial Wall. Oh Caleb - there are so many true Americans, Patriots. I heard later from Brian, that one of your and Brian's buddies rode with your name that day. That was so awesome to hear. You are so remembered my dear son.
I had dinner with Brian - met his mom. I find these Recon moms are a lot alike. It was like we were old friends. You might agree with Brian who thought that was a scary thought.
I had breakfast with Kathy and the 'littles'. You'd have so much fun with Chris and Kathy's little children! Maybe you did meet them when you all were in California. I hadn't thought about that. I just know little children love you.
While in DC we visited the Pentagon and Arlington Cemetery. At the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Carter told us "Welcome home....this belongs to you." I thought of you - it belongs to you - to all of you who gave all.
At Arlington Cemetery - well you can imagine....it is overwhelming and humbling that so many sacrificed their lives for the freedom I have as an American.
Caleb, you didn't live in a conventional box - because of your life, I have been forced out of the box as well. There is no complacency in life. There is no time. You taught me that. Watching your life unfold was amazing. Thank you for not allowing me to be complacent -ever. Yes, I'm serious.
I'm fixing steaks tonight - you loved having steak - almost cooked, "with the moo." Salad too - gotta have the healthy stuff.
There are so many honoring your life, and thinking of you - it makes me cry.
You are an amazing man my son. I stand tall. We all do. Dad, your brothers and sister, and I - we stand tall because of you. Because you are our son, brother. You have made such a difference in this life - your life goes on touching and changing lives, including ours.
I met with a lady at TAPS and we were talking about the Bible verse that says, "If a child honors his parents his life will be long on this earth." She shed a different light on that verse and I want to share that with you. It bothered me because you did honor your parents, and you are gone from here. The lady said, maybe we need to look at it in a different way. Your life is long on this earth because your life continues to give, inspire, motivate and challenge others. I like that.
Caleb, I know you know this mom. You know I'm sitting here crying. You also know I cry because I love you and I miss you so much. Time will never change that.
I cry in gratitude because of the fine son you are.
I cry with hope because I know one day I will be able to hug you again, see your face again.
Then, you can take me on a tour of heaven and show me things you've been doing there.
I love you so much my warrior son.
I love you.
~ Mom
