Random.
I wasn't sure I could use it.
Random is used in so many ways.
The definition - "Unknown, unidentified or out of place."
Oh yes. It fits -
I'm feeling kind of random right now.
I'm in a random spot in life.
It's a tough morning.
Some days I wake up with that huge canyon where my heart has been ripped apart - sometimes the canyon seems deeper and wider than other times.
There's this enormous chasm, a Caleb chasm, that huge hole that only he can fill.
It's how it is.
It doesn't matter how much time goes by.
Some days are just hard, and I don't seem to fit anywhere.
So -
I go to my Father.
I curl up on the couch and sink into his love.
The pain would be unbearable if it wasn't for him.
I talk to him, and just tell him how it is.
I can hardly stand being away from Caleb.
I miss his smile, his laugh, the way he could make me laugh till I'd cry.
I miss his stories, his wisdom, his hilarious sense of humor, his honesty,
his heart for God, his love for life and how everything is always an adventure.
I miss being able to talk to him face to face...to be able to talk on the phone or text.
I miss him more and more as time goes by.
I tell my Father it is the most painful thing I've ever experienced.
I tell him I don't understand...
I don't understand how people think you can just get over it - move on -
just have fun - let it go.
I tell my Father these things.
I have no secrets from him.
He knows my every thought.
I open my devotional.
The topic is trusting God.
The last paragraph reads, "Trust Me to take care of your loved ones. They are safe with me. My Presence never leaves them - just as I never leave you." (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)
My heart lifts as my Father brings to remembrance the words that have meant more and more to me as time has passed. ~ He never left Caleb. He has always been with him. Caleb is safe with him.
All my children are safe with him. I am safe with him.
It helps - it hurts, but it helps.
On this random day it is an effort to go for a walk,
but Griz looks at me with those big googly eyes, so expectantly.
I can't disappoint my buddy.
So, I grab his leash, and click on Pandora as we walk out the door.
Christmas music soothes my soul.
Christmas reminds me of the sweet special times we have as a family - especially when Caleb could be home.
Christmas music lightens my heart, and brings hope close.
Random? Maybe so, but I like it.
When I get home
I get a message from my daughter reminding me of the church service.
I watch an excellent message from the book of Esther
and think about how she must've felt out of place in her life, too.
I'm thinking about the message, and about feeling so 'random.'
As I follow along a message scrolls across the bottom of the TV screen.
"Where you are is not random. It is an assignment."
I read it again.
WHERE YOU ARE IS NOT RANDOM. IT IS AN ASSIGNMENT.
There it is!
There is no denying it.
~ It is a message for me.
Tears stream down my face as I think about my God.
and how I kept saying it was all so random.
He knows.
He really does.
I reread the first part of my blog and
looked up the definition for canyon even though I already know what a 'canyon' is.
It read, "A deep gorge, typically one with a river flowing through it."
Again.
A message for me.
I may have this deep hurt, this deep, huge canyon, this gorge in my torn heart, but there is a river of life flowing through it.
There is a longing for Caleb, and sometimes it is there all day.
But, no one will know, because even though
it's tough, and there is no other way to put it....
God has given me grace for the day, an extra boost, and extra
taste of hope.
Thank you Father.
Sometimes He really does write messages on the wall for me.
How can I possibly doubt?
Note to self:
No matter how deep the canyon in your heart, there is a river of life flowing through it.
Where you are is not random. It is an assignment.
I can do this.
