3 AM There Is Light

Awake at 3am.
In a few hours I shall attend the Memorial Day service.
I battled with the thought of going, but I know I will

Difficult?
Very.

Anguish of heart, and yet,
I must go on.
I must.

When I woke up the words to an old song rang through my mind.
The cross before me,
the world behind me.
No turning back.
No turning back.

I have no choice in my life.
With the last ounce of piercing pain at being separated from my son,
I cry out.
Nail pierced hands hold me.
It is how it is for me.
With each gut-wrencing cry,
hope sustains me even though there is no adequate description of how it hurts.

The cross before me.
It is how it is in my life.

Gethsemane.
I see Him, crying out, but there was no turning back.
No.
There is no turning back.

As difficult as it is,
this is my call in life now.
The road is narrow but...
there is light ahead.
So it is.

He carries me...through shadows dark.
He sustains me...

Though none go with me, still I will follow.
I know there are others on this rugged road.
Hearts broken and lives changed forever.

With every ounce of my being.
He takes my broken heart and life and
comforts and sooths my soul.

There is no pretense here...what good would that do?
Though it is hard, where else could I go, but to You.

In the morning, when the sun shines through,
I will arise and praise you.
You are  my strength, my shield.
My strong tower on this battlefield.
I have no place,
But to your arms I run.
You are my God, the faithful One.

Memorial Day ~ They Gave All/ A Moment At Three

I've always observed Memorial Day, remembering the brave men and women who gave all so I could be free - going to the memorial service at the cemetery, putting out my flag, visiting graves of those who served and gave.
When I thought about it this morning,
I felt sick....

I don't think I want to observe it this year.
No, I think I'd like to hide in the mountains somewhere...
in a cabin, secluded from the world.

Only, I know the mountains won't take the fact away that Memorial Day is now personal.
I can't get away from that no matter where I go.
Memorial Day includes my son.
Not just Civil War, World War I and II...not just the Vietnam War or Korean War men and women...not just people I admired for sacrificing their lives...

My son.

I thought about that...
My son gave his life because he believed in our constitution, in our country- one nation under God.

So I bucked up, pulled myself up by my Asics, and talked to myself...

Well then, by golly, there better be some memorializing going on.
My son did not give his life in vain.
I honor his life and his sacrifice.
Yes, it's tough, very tough.
But, I stand with so many mothers who had to say good-bye too soon.
I stand with wives who didn't know that 'I love you' kiss was the last they'd share.
I do not stand alone.
I believe we share,
along with the heartbreak, and the tears, an unshakeable confidence and peace. Pride in
the integrity and selflessness our children/spouses exuded
by serving their country.



To help re-educate and remind Americans of the true meaning of Memorial Day, the "National Moment of Remembrance" resolution was passed on Dec 2000 which asks that at 3 p.m. local time, for all Americans "To voluntarily and informally observe in their own way a Moment of remembrance and respect, pausing from whatever they are doing for a moment of silence or listening to 'Taps."

This Memorial Day, join in at three o'clock to remember those who gave their lives in the name of freedom.

I know I will.
I remember everyday.

On Missing Caleb

Today I was talking to one of my children.
"This sucks."
"Yes, it does," I sighed.
Waking up everyday, realizing Caleb isn't here is just hard.

There are days I think I'll wake up and this will all be a dream.
The doorbell will ring, and Caleb will be at the door - Surprise!
We'll hug his neck.
Caleb will laugh and say, "Ah!"
It will be the greatest reunion ever.

But,
I know that isn't going to happen.
This present reality is still too hard for me to grasp.
It just is.

There is no easy way to explain, but I'll try.

I wake up and the feeling is there.
The empty, gut-punching feeling of missing Caleb.
Knowing he isn't here.

Separation from my child is too much to take in.
Numbness still hurts, but when it wears off, as it
does, the raw pain in my heart is like none I've ever known.
Like an open, raw-to-the-bone gash, as wide as the Grand Canyon.
I believe the pain is released in small increments because otherwise we wouldn't be able to take it.

I've heard it said, if we felt the full impact of this separation, we would literally die of heartbreak.
Sometimes it feels that way....
Heartbreak hurts like crazy.

Yet,
I have hope.
I have assurance.
There is absolutely no doubt about it.
I know that I know that I know I will see my son again someday.

It's the now that is hard.
It's the time here binding us to this earth that is hard.
He is living in a place where time does not bind, because time is eternal.

We are held here by life ties, responsibilities, and a path we still need to travel.
He is beyond this sphere. His earth journey is over.
Ours continues.
No, I don't have a death wish.
I'm not depressed nor do I feel despair.
Yet, in my little life here on this earth -
It's the now that I miss with him.
The now of seeing his face and hearing his voice.
The now of hugging him and listening to him.
The now of his life with us.
That is what is hard.
That is why it hurts.

On the outside it may appear everything is back to normal here on Paradise.
Things are not, and will never be back to normal on Paradise.
It's not a doom and gloom thing.
It's reality.
Our lives are changed forever.
There will be a vacancy at our table  - always.
That seat where Caleb sat.
There will always be a lull in our conversations - time when Caleb
would have said something undoubtedly funny and profound.

Yet, I hold on to hope, knowing that he is not so far away.
No matter how I feel, he is nearer than we think.
His life continues to change our lives.
His presence is always with us - wherever we go, whatever we do.
His influence continues to mold us.

We reach upward -
knowing that this light affliction, this suffering we experience now will one day pass away, and will seem as nothing because of the glory we will share with Caleb (2 Corinthians 4:17.)
Our trail blazer is living on in heaven, and will be there to welcome us home.

Right now my heart breaks because I miss him so much.
In my brokenness I cry, "Abba, Daddy," and He's there.
My God covers me with his comfort and peace -
even in the midst of the pain.

Yes,
It is well with my soul,
even when the tears are falling.

This longing will one day be fulfilled.
I know -
And what a day, glorious day that will be.