A Mom's Heart

I heard recently that I needed to get over it.
I heard I only needed to think of what I have instead of what I'm missing.
I heard I just need to thank God for the things he is doing.

I heard.

I also heard some words of encouragement.
Things that made sense and were helpful.

Sue, a new friend, a military mom who lost her son,
recently told me -
We with children are all in the same boat.
When one of us loses a child, we are out of the boat.
That's it.
We can never get back in the boat of  "everybody's-here."
Because we're not in the boat anymore, we will spend the rest of our lives swimming.
Some days we will barely be keeping our heads above water.
Some days we will feel like we are drowning.
Other days we will swim along and do well.
At times we will float on our backs.

My children are a huge part of my life.
I would gladly give my life for any of them.
It just so happened God had other plans.

I've been told the devil did it. God's plans for my child were not accomplished.
I've been told our children make choices and they live or die by those choices.

I believe there is a much bigger picture than our puny minds can even begin to comprehend, but we so want to explain and have the answer, that we can put ourselves in the position of wisdom that we do not have.

I  am not in that position.
I do know that God promises to hold us in the palm of his hand and that satan cannot pluck us out.
I know that he hears our prayers...he heard my prayers for my son that very day. He hears my prayers now.

His plans are not our plans.
His thoughts are not our thoughts.
His ways are higher than ours.
That is what the Bible says.

He is God.
I am not.

All I know right now is that this journey has changed my life forever.
In brokenness I will live.
Through Christ alone am I whole in any way.

He knows my heart.
Grief, peace and  joy all fill the same heart.
On the outside it may look like I'm just fine.
Or it may seem like I'm a crying mess.

I will not 'get over it.'
There is nothing to get over.
The absence of my child will be with me all my life.
Will I go on?
Of course I will.
I'm still here in the land of the living.
But, don't think that if I just think happy thoughts it will all go away.

I look at the sunrise every morning as it peeks through clouds or through the trees, and I am in awe of my mighty Maker.
I watch as birds balance on telephone wires and marvel.
I smile as I watch little children in their innocence, run through the splash park.
I breathe in the fresh, early morning air, and thank my God for his goodness.
I praise my Lord through the tears.
I know the beauty I see here is nothing compared to the beauty my son is a part of now.

I am glad for each day, for each blessing.
There are many blessings...God sends beautiful people who bring sweet comfort and friendship.
I am mindful of all the great and wonderful things I have to be so thankful for.
The greatest of all is that I know where my son is,
and that one day the space that separates us will be no more.

Selah.