This Journey

I've gone through all the 'firsts' now.
The first year of my son being gone.
But, you know what?
It doesn't matter.
It hurts just the same or more...
It's still a 'first' every single day.
There are no repeated days in life.

Recently, I wrote in my journal.
"This morning I liken the pain to what it must feel like to be dragged
behind a truck on a rocky, gravel road.
Bumps, turns and twists, and unbelievable pain.
All the while being turned inside out with my heart torn to shreds."

This is the journey I'm on.
It's that part of Psalm 23 -
"...Though I walk through the darkest valley."
The shadow of this life is around me.
The sinking feeling of that reality -
My son is not here.

How do you get passed that?
I'll tell you.
I don't think you ever really do.

I hear many trite answers and solutions.
"Time heals all wounds," is a good one.
I don't agree.
This is not a 'time' sensitive wound.
This wound has to do with eternity.
The hole in my heart won't be gone until we are together in heaven.


Sure - I get up every morning.
I function.
I do things.
I visit, and laugh.
I'm sincere when I do, but inside my heart is broken.
When asked how I am,
I may answer I'm ok.
But, I'm really not.
Yet, I know I have to be ok with not being ok if that makes sense.
It's how it is.

I've heard "It will get better in time."
I can't say, because I'm not ten or twenty years into this journey, yet.
But from what I've witnessed -
that isn't entirely true either.

I'm not doubting what I've been told.
I can't speak for others.
I'm not where they are on their journey.
But, I have spoken to the mom who had to say good bye to her little one before she/he was even born.
Years later this mom still aches for that little life.
I've listened to parents who had to say good bye to their babies, toddlers, fifty-some years ago.
It still hurts.
They still miss those little ones.
I've met with many military parents - some sons, daughters gave their lives years ago - it is all still fresh.
Parents of teen-agers, young adults, like mine....not so long ago.
I've seen tears fall from every single face, as I've listened to stories about the children who are no longer here in this life.
A parent doesn't just forget about a child because he/she is not here anymore - no matter how much time passes.

So, back to time making things 'better.'
Maybe 'better' isn't the right word.
Maybe adapt would be a better word, if you must have a word.
In time you adapt...
I don't know.
You adapt to the hole in your heart?
You adapt to the sorrow that is always there because that loved isn't here?

Parents have continued on in life - after all, what are you gonna do?
You have to.
These parents have lives, careers, and outwardly you'd never know.
But, once you become a part of that club no one ever wants to join,
it is a whole different world.
People feel free to speak of the children waiting for them in heaven.
Recently, a parent told me, "You never get over it. It's always there. But, in time you tuck it away in a special place. That's where it always is."
He was talking about the pain, the sweet love for his son...for the life of his son who left this world over forty years ago.

I say we have no choice but to adjust...
not overnight, but in time -
not that it is ever just right again.
It can never be the normal we knew before.
I can't even call it a new normal right now.
I can't imagine anything being any kind of normal again -
There will always be that empty chair....the place where Caleb should be in our lives.
There will always be that place in life where we miss him - I can't imagine it being any other way.

It is a tough journey to travel.
So....
When I start my day
I speak God's Word to my broken self - it is only through Christ that I'm whole.
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not lack -for strength, for comfort, for whatever I need.
Do I feel it?
A lot of times I don't -
But,
I believe his Word.

Tough?
You bet.
Everyday.
Yet, somehow I make it through another day.

There is comfort in the love of a friend.
There is closeness with those who are on this journey, too.
We're all taking a step at a time,
and everyday is one day closer
to eternity.

Yes, I'm still here.
Broken and all.
God knows and is fully aware.
He is still a good God.
He is faithful.
He has a plan.

So, broken I come.
He says when I am weak, he is strong.
I lean on his strength in these tough times.

Lord, you know the brokenness of my heart, of my life right now. You know the valley I walk through because you walk it with me. My victory is in you, and yet, right now there are many tears. You know that, too. You love me and comfort and encourage me with your great grace and mercy.
Thank you.
In all of this, I belong to you. You raise me up in your most holy love - that is how I make it through everyday.
Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for keeping me in the palm of your hand, and for carrying me through tough times.
Thank you for your gentleness.
I love you Jesus.
Amen.