The Knock At The Door - Remembering

The knock at the door.
It's burned into our memories forever.

I just read a post from a fellow Gold Star mom...two years since that knock at her door that changed her life forever.
When I read her post, my heart skipped a beat.
I knew exactly what she was talking about.
It's one of the those things...

There have been nights I've been up late, working at my computer.
I'll see car lights coming down our street.
My heart will go to my throat, and I'll gasp.

I remind myself - "No. That car is not coming to your house.
That night is over."

Heaven forbid anyone would come to our door late at night.

So many of us have had that knock at the door with the news
of our loved ones in the military.

Like grief, the memory doesn't just go away because it's over now.
The knock at the door was something we were drilled about.
"If you see two men in uniform coming to your door, you will know your loved one is not coming home.
You will not hear about their death on the phone or any other way.
You will get a knock at your door."

It was something we knew.
Something we didn't want to think about.

There was one time, when Caleb was deployed....
I had been running at the track, and had walked home through the alley.
When I walked toward our driveway, I saw a vehicle parked by our house.
It was gray...and looked like a government vehicle.
My heart sank, and I can still remember that feeling of dread.
"No."
I wanted to turn and run the other way, but I kept walking...not wanting to look on our porch.
"No, God. No." I prayed.
It was a horrible feeling.
I got to our porch and no one was there.
Once inside, I stood and prayed.
"No, God....please, no."
Time ticked away, and when I looked out, the car was gone.

I never found out who it was, but that was ok.
I was so relieved...my son was ok.

Years past, and I prayed and trusted God.
Caleb deployed again...he went places for training - dangerous training...

The night we got the knock at the door, THAT was not even a thought.
When I got up and went to the door that morning at one-thirty, I still wasn't thinking it could be THAT.
When I saw the two uniformed Marines standing there, it didn't register...
When they told me there had been an accident, it still didn't hit....
My mind is blank as to exactly what was said after I told them they shouldn't be at my house.
They just didn't come to my house, that was all there was to it.

Even though I don't remember exactly what was said, that traumatic early morning
is burned in my memory.
Oh, I don't have to entertain the thought - when certain things happen, the memory is triggered.

My heart goes out to this mom who is now two years on her grief journey.
The comfort I find in all of this, is that we are there for each other.
We know the feeling....

All of our lives changed forever with that knock at the door.
Our loved one was not coming home.
Devastating heartbreak.

Our hearts/lives are forever linked in sorrow, and loss.
Not only that, but we are linked together in faith and hope.
Faith in what we don't see now, knowing that faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Hope in a tomorrow when we will be with our loved ones again.

One day there will be a knock at the door of our lives and we will get to go home.
What a day that will be!
Sorrow, and separation will be no more.
We will be with those we love forever.

For now, we support each other.
We pray for each other.
When another gets that knock at the door
We lend a hand, a hug, an ear
and a nod that says,
"I understand.
It's tough, but you don't have to walk this journey alone.
Ever."

Lord, there are so many hurting, broken hearts and lives. Days may go by, but our broken hearts ache for our loved ones. We wake up having to realize once again, it is true. What a hard reality. Thank you for your gentle mercy. Thank you, that even though we don't understand the why, we know that You carry us through these most difficult times of our lives.
In Jesus' name.
Amen.