Enduring Right On

Ok, I'm going to write this one and actually post it.
I promise.
I've written since November when I last posted a blog,
but all that writing is in my archives.
Not this one.....
You've got my word (words.)

Days go by.
Some are a little easier than others, but they all have heartbreak.
A couple of days ago I woke up with that ripping apart that was so intense
it was like it had all just happened.
It was like the earth opened up.
I cried out to God. "I can't do this."
He knows that.
Together we made it through the day.
Oh no one knew how my morning had been.
No one ever really knows - unless you're my husband,
and I know when I wake up in tears it makes him sad, too.

I don't know why it seems that I should just be over it, as one well-meaning woman said.
"Well, it's been well over a year...I'd think you'd be over it by now."
No lady.
That's not how it works.
When I said it was a rough day,
the response was, "Well, God will take care of it," and off she went.
Yes, lady, God will take care of it.
God has carried me through these hard times.
"You should just be praising God because you know where Caleb is."
I do praise God that I know I will see my son again.
But that doesn't mean it's easy being here without his smiley self in our lives.

I'm not mad at the lady.
She doesn't know.
There is no way, she could - she has all her children.
Bless her heart.

I just know where my walk is, and that is all I can handle - and actually, I can't handle that!
Not without my heavenly Father who give me strength and peace.

I don't know where this road is going.
I just follow it minute by minute.
Nothing is as it was.
Absolutely nothing.
I can't explain it, but that's where it is.
I know there is a purpose and a plan and a hope for tomorrow,
but I don't know a lot right now.
I don't know when I'll know more,
but I'll let you know.
It's not like I don't do anything -
it's that I'm getting acquainted with a whole new way of existence and
it does not conform to the twenty-four hour day we live in.
That's the best I can do for explaining.
It's as I said, a minute by minute walk - and it's unpredictable.

Today I thought I could talk about a memorial situation.
I started talking to some people and did all right for a little bit.
Then, I ended up in tears.
It just happened - they just started flowing.

Hearing Caleb's name in the same sentence as memorial
broke my heart all over again.
I left the building, got in my vehicle and started down the street.

A block later I had to pull over.
Sobbing rocked my soul.
My sweet boy....
My fun-loving son....

This is simply a most difficult road.

Not too long ago, I cried out to God
(I actually do that on a daily basis.)
There are times I get encouragement from that still small voice.
Not that time.
He was silent for a while -
like for weeks.
I kept on - hard day after hard day.
Then, one night I was watching football with my husband.
I heard that still small voice -
"Endure hardness as a good soldier of Jesus Christ (2 Timothy 2:3.)
I sighed.
It's hard all right.
But, when He put it in those words, I took a deep breath.
Those words were for me.
I could do it.
I could follow His lead.


Soldiers (Marines, Sailors, etc.) don't get entangled with the things of civilian life.
They follow the orders of their commanding officers.
They are trained for difficult situations so they can defend, protect, and stand.
They have to stay focused and continue training everyday.
They endure hardness.
It's not easy.
If it gets too easy, they will get soft, and they can't afford that.
They push themselves.
I know Caleb did.
He pushed beyond his own limits.
What an example.
My son.
He endured hardness as a good soldier of Christ.

Because of Christ, because of Caleb, because of all who have gone before,
I can.

No, it's not easy.
Some days, like today, I break down and cry.
My Commander Most High knows that, and understands.
Together we will make it.
I enlisted, and I'm in this for the long haul.
No, I had no idea this journey would mean my son would leave this world.
But, that doesn't change the plan.
Caleb got promoted to the highest of places - heaven .

I will continue
marching on -
tears and all...
enduring.

And
On that day -
I have no doubt,  he will be at the gates
waiting to greet me.