Stuff.
I've got it, and these days it's been screaming at me.
I'm not a hoarder - not like the ones on TV; but
for some reason, in this season
I don't want to feel hemmed in, at all.
Things.
I've cleaned out drawers time and time again
over the past two years.
Since I recently misplaced a set of keys, I've been on a hunt, looking everywhere.
That means I clean out drawers - again.
Yesterday I pulled out phone books from 2012,
a calendar from 2012....
This morning I went through a desk drawer that I've cleaned out
before - notes to myself from 2012.
I don't know why I didn't see those things before yesterday,
but there they were.
It was a weird, sad feeling.
2012 Caleb was here at home, laughing and cooking, and sharing his wonderful self with us.
2012 I had notes to remember things about Caleb coming home...Christmas lists, menus....
2012 there were calls from Caleb.
2012 - the last year of normal as we knew it.
Yes, time literally stopped in 2012.
Today I invited silence into my day.
I hadn't noticed how clutter had been feeding my mind.
TV - just for the background noise.
Music - all kinds, from Christian to Christmas, to Taylor Swift and even Garth Brooks which is so not me.
In every room, or vehicle, there was music or voices...
Today I needed to de-clutter my mind.
Being informed is all right, but for now, the sadness of all that is going on
in our world is overwhelming.
The media feeds on spinning the worst in its interpretation.
I had to step away.
The music, and other sounds were good, but there is a time for silence.
I've been on a de-clutter mission in my home, which could take a while.
Just down-sizing, going through 'stuff.'
Lately, 'stuff' has been making me tired.
I'm tempted to put everything in a huge dumpster.
Is it part of this grief journey?
So many people I know on this same journey are
re-doing, down-sizing, de-cluttering....
Is it cleansing to our souls because it is something we can control
in this life that threw tragedy at us - spinning our worlds totally off balance and upside down?
I don't know, it's just something I've noticed.
Is it a type of cleansing to be able to get rid of or change the 'stuff' of our lives
because things can be so difficult on this heartbreaking journey where we miss our loved ones daily?
I don't know.
It does help somehow, for a little while.
I know the silence is soothing right now.
I need it.
Bagging things up, painting walls, getting rid of 'stuff'
is therapeutic to my soul.
It's a new turn.
I don't know where it's all going, but it's how it is.
One of Caleb's friends was in Cambodia and sent us a postcard that said, "Live Simply."
So many of Caleb's friends know the meaning.
You can have stuff, just don't let stuff have you - is the message I get.
It makes it easier to get rid of when you move.
I'm not moving to a different house, or city,
but my life is moving,
and some of this 'stuff' doesn't fit anymore.
Funny how life is.
As hard as the journey is, there is good.
I know I've said this before, but Caleb would tell me, "Get rid of useless stuff."
It's happening my son.
In the silence, in the stillness of now I find peace.
It helps- even if there is still 'stuff' waiting.
~~~~~
I'm in this world but for a while.
I'm only traveling through.
I take my suitcase, my broken self
and walk this line until that day when...
I will journey to those gates.
I came with nothing holding me,
I'll leave my baggage here.
So, while I'm here,
I will to travel light.
I'm learning as I go-
Let go of useless things,
and hold tight to eternal sights.
I know the treasures,
the priceless things of life.
The light of this life,
The love of my family,
The joy of those I love.
Those are most precious,
And will last forevermore.
Selah.
(Diane Homm, 7/21/2015)
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