Triggers

There are triggers and there are triggers.
Definition #1- A small device that releases a spring or catch and so sets off a mechanism, especially in order to fire a gun.
I'm not talking about that one today (maybe another day.)
Definition #2  ~ An event that is the cause of a particular action, process, or situation

This morning I was walking Griz.

What a beautiful morning.
Gentle, cool breeze.
Sunshine.
A clear, blue Colorado sky.
Early morning traffic passes in hushed hums
as people travel to work or school.
I'm lost in the lyrics  on Pandora.
Fresh, sweetness of the morning -
Helping to lift my heart -
necessary to start my day.

Griz stops to sniff a pole.
I think if he could talk, he could probably tell me who all had stopped there.
He finishes his visit, and we continue on.
We pass the wonderful, huge American flag that I love.
I'm always filled with gratitude looking up, thinking of all it represents.

Then,
without warning
a  roaring  siren blasts my ears.

I am breathless.
I feel nauseous.

Caleb.

More emergency vehicles rush past me.
More sirens.

Caleb.

I wasn't there.
I don't know what all transpired with those vehicles in Riverside that day.
But, emergency vehicles trigger unseen memories of that terrible day.

I continue to listen to music, concentrating hard on the lyrics,
but the nausea is still there.
Another emergency vehicle passes with sirens blaring.

I quicken my steps.

The sirens echo in my mind.
Quiet, deep sobs wrack my being.

The lyrics I hear -
"....I'm not afraid.
Show me your glory...."

This week I got to visit with one of Caleb's high school classmates who came to visit from Wisconsin.
We shared some about glory...
God's glory.
Where He is in glory....
where Caleb and her dad live now.

I'm in a Bible study where we are studying the life of Paul.
This week the topic was on death.
Hard but hopeful.
One thing mentioned -
our hope is in a glorious future ingathering.
We will be together again.

In the darkness of the valleys
I reach up
to glory.

Triggers are real.
They happen whenever they happen.

Maybe one day they won't ring in my ears and make me nauseous.

But, for now -
I am home
where there is
peaceful silence

I rest.

Glory resides in my heart
and that gives me hope.

Yes, even in the hard times,
there is glorious hope.

Sometimes I need a waterfall

Being real is not always so easy when we are supposed to be "happy people." Time is supposed to take care of everything. Let it go and move on, so to speak, and everything will be all right.

Sorry, but I am called to be real in this walk and this morning has been difficult. Sometimes there is such deep longing to see Caleb, I can hardly stand it. It’s like if I don’t see or hear from him I’m going to explode…like I just can’t bear the pain of being apart.

There is no place to go to make these times disappear. It’s just how it is.
I get up and Griz is staring at me. Good. I have purpose. I can take care of Caleb’s dog…and he is a fine one. I’m sad but he makes me smile.

The sadness is overwhelming this morning and I don’t feel like doing anything…don’t have the energy.

But! I get dressed and take Griz for a walk. Feed him when we get back, and tell him he’s going to get groomed today (he gets a bath and mani/pedi from my friend in Bethune.)

Fall is in the air. It's cold, cloudy and windy.
I love Fall, but it's another season.
Hard to explain, but even if I'm not conscious of it, it seems subconsciously I'm getting ready for another first...another season of change.

As we drive down the road, I see sunflower fields about ready for harvest.
Yup, Fall is in the air.

By now tears are streaming down my face. The songs I hear speak to my heart. ‘Grace Wins’ and ‘Flawless’ songs about mercy and grace. Pure and given freely. I lean into my Father’s love. He understands.

So many times I try to remain strong and keep on going. I go and go….go to functions, Bible Study, visiting, keeping busy… Then I reach the end of ‘me’ and I have no choice but to stop – this morning is a testimony of that.

There are days when the brokenness surfaces and I can’t go any further.

While Griz is getting groomed, I sit in silence and wait.

I look at my devotion on my phone app. Sometimes it’s truly helpful – sometimes not so much. Today it’s from Romans 12:12 ~ "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

I do have hope. I do. Even when it’s so hard to keep on going with a ‘happy’ face…there is joy in my heart because of hope.

Patient in affliction. ~ I want to run away from this reality. Run backwards in time to a better place when Caleb was with us and life was ‘normal.’ It can be draining to face each day and smile. It takes a lot of energy to be ‘normal’ these days. Standing strong takes a lot and by the end of the day I am so ready for bed. Being patient in affliction is something I’m learning….His grace is sufficient for each day. I have enough manna to get through one day. This morning when I got out bed, and started the day, I hadn’t reached for the manna. I was spent before the day even started.
 

So, with all the strength I can muster I reach for that manna that says,  "Be joyful in hope, be patient in affliction…faithful in prayer."
I sit on my Father’s lap and share my heart with him. He never pushes me away. He knows – some days are extremely difficult to face. Sometimes people are hurtful – not on purpose, but it happens. The busyness of life can cause us to be preoccupied and insensitive.

When I sit before him, I rest. I find grace for patience for another day.

I've been on this journey for a short time and forever.

A person recently asked me how long it’s been since Caleb’s been gone, and I said, “Two and a half (pause)  - minutes.” I smiled and said, “Years, but it seems like minutes sometimes.”

I want to see his face so badly. Want to be in the same room with him. Be able to hug him and listen to him laugh. ~ No. You don’t get over that.

It’s like my heart is squeezed together with the longing and my throat is so tight I can’t find the words. There are days like this. It’s how it is.

But, I hang on to the hope, being patient with all that is in me. I talk to my Father and somehow peace comes – there is that balm of Gilead that supernaturally gives me strength for another day, a minute at a time.

I have to rest in Him. I have to stay close to Him always. There is no other way that I could make it on this journey.

There is soothing grace that enters my soul. It's like a waterfall.
It still hurts like crazy.
But, I have hope. His Word is true.
I have manna
for today.

I stand under the waterfall of love and grace.

Selah.


"Waterfall"
by Chris Tomlin