In The Middle Of The Night

Anytime, anywhere

Here it is, one-thirty in the morning.
Some nights are like this.

I'm sound asleep, and then -
I'm wide awake.

No!
This reality hits with such harshness
I can hardly stand it.

I know by calendar time,
it's been three years,
yet the reality sinks in deeper and deeper
and the pain is more intense.

I don't know who said it gets easier...
that's a sick joke, and not true.

Oh, I'm not saying I live in utter despair.
I'm not filled with distress and horror.
But, it's tough without that smiling face of my
wonderful son.

I treasure my family.
I love them with all my heart.
There is nothing I would rather do than
spend time with them.
What joy!

Yet, these moments come along
and I gasp for air.
Caleb isn't here.

Sometimes it's like he's on deployment, or away training.
His adventurous life has taken him many places.
But, then it hits.
In those moments it can be almost unbearable.
Yes, I know I will see him again, and I'm so grateful.
But,
there are those times
I long for his presence -
here and now.

Tonight
I fell asleep listening to gentle, soothing rain.
When I woke up with that gut-wrenching, tear my heart apart feeling,
My soul cried out.

I grabbed the one thing that could
soothe my aching heart.

As I read, verse after verse jumped out at me.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid...
for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." ~ Deuteronomy 31:6

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm46?10

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

"Fear not for I am with you. Be not dismayed for I am your God.
I will strengthen you.
I will help you.
I will uphold you
with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

I looked on Facebook, and the first post I saw was -

He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside still waters. (Psalm 23:2)

The 23rd Psalm
My lifeline on this journey.
For many nights after the Marines came to our door my husband read, "The Lord is my shepherd...."
to me.
He'd finish and I'd say, "Again - please read it to me again," and he would.

I have a copy of the 23rd Psalm on my refrigerator.
I cannot be reminded too often.
"...though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil, for you are with me.
Your rod and your staff they comfort me...."

I used to think of this psalm as the 'funeral' psalm,
but now I understand.
It is a psalm of comfort, of encouragement.
His rod and staff do comfort me.
A shepherd uses a rod to protect his sheep from danger.
The staff represents kindness - used to bring a sheep
closer to the shepherd, for guidance and reassurance.

I know this wave will pass -
I know that He is faithful and will be my strength moment by moment.

With that I can say -

Lord, you are my shepherd.
I shall not lack for anything.
Your joy is my strength.
You hold me in the palm of your hand
and you will never let me go.
You love me from everlasting to everlasting.
I am not alone for you are with me
always.
I thank you.

...And I know, though sorrow may last for a night, joy comes in the morning.

Selah.