In Eighteen Days

February 8, 2017.
In eighteen days it will be February 26.
In eighteen days it will be four years since you left this world.


I remember thinking I would not ever write again.
The still small voice was whispering, "Write."
I kept saying, no. I have nothing to say.
But he was persistent.
"Write."
I talk to Him a lot, and I said, Really. I don't have anything to say.
He spoke to my heart.
"Be real. Tell what you know."
"Just be real," He said again.


Are you kidding?
I'm supposed to be real?
This is the hardest, most painful, experience I've ever had.
This is the most difficult thing I've ever gone through.


"I know."


If you have a relationship with Abba Father, you know what I'm talking about.
He is kind, but if we listen, he will guide us - in ways that are not always comfortable.
Most of the time they are not comfortable.
He doesn't deal in comfort.
That is not a priority.


I tried arguing with Him.
I have nothing.
No one wants to hear this.
But, in his gentle, loving voice, he kept saying,
"Write.
Be real."


So, I finally gave in.
Ok. I will.
If it will help others, I will do it.
I could feel his love, his
caring and understanding.
He would help me.


It's not easy being transparent, as I've said through the past three, almost four years.
Here I am again.
Being real.
It still hurts like crazy.
This month of February is always hard.
I don't care what anyone says, the calendar turns, and there it is.
Fresh pain.
I've never been here before.
Yesterday I've been through.
Last year, I've been through.
But, every single day is new...
it's a new experience of pain, of change.


This separation time is too huge to understand.
I can say Caleb is in heaven.
I can say Caleb was killed.
But, it's like another person speaking through my voice about someone
I know, but it's beyond comprehension
for it to be me, to be Caleb....
even though I hear the words.


I talked to a couple of special friends yesterday.
Both have sons in heaven.
We cried together.
NO. It is not easy.
No, it doesn't go away or get better.
(foot stomping here)
Some days are a little easier, but over all
everyday we have to deliberately choose to do things.
We live intentionally and on purpose.
Our Abba Father gives us strength, gives us joy that goes beyond
our broken hearts.


It's hard to think of anyone not remembering our children.
That is the scariest feeling of all.
That is what I think - what other moms have told me.
It's hard that they are gone.
It's hard going on everyday.
But the hardest thing to deal with is thinking that our loved ones will be forgotten.


Reading some posts brought me to tears.
I've seen it on other moms walls, I've seen it on other people's walls.
A picture of the loved one gone to heaven, with a friend.
Others post about the friend who is still alive and make jokes and say funny things.
Nothing is said about the one who isn't here....
it 's like they don't exist.
"Hey, Dude. Growing your hair out?"
Hey, dude.
I know you aren't trying to be mean
and you're just being funny,
but it breaks a mom's heart, because
we just want someone to honor our loved ones -
Recognize who they are, how they lived and gave...
that they were here.


It's just how a mom with a broken heart feels.


Oh, Caleb, Caleb, Caleb.
Your sunshiny disposition is missed so very much.
I want the world to remember you, and honor you
forever.
I know it's not in my control.
I know there will be things that will be hurtful.
Ugh.


This journey is not one I'd want for anyone.
The club I was forced to join is filled with thousands of parents just like me.
We didn't want to be here.
We didn't choose this life.
We would much rather not be in this club.


One time a friend of mine was asked about the Gold Star parents.
"How do you join this club?"
The reply -
The dues are way too high.
You don't ever want to join.
The life of my son/daughter was the price to be in this exclusive
club.


We didn't have a choice.
We couldn't say, "No thanks."


February is a hard month.
It just is.


I'm reminded of my son's life everyday.
I love hearing stories about him, and seeing pictures of him.


February, I want to honor Caleb.
That's all......


I love you Caleb.
I love you forever.