Doing The Best I Can

When I started writing again, it was pressed on my heart to be real.
Being real in a world where we are always supposed to be ok is not easy.
My writing mentor mentioned to me one time that I needed to be more transparent.
I struggle with that because I want everything to be ok, and have had to admit to myself that some things are just hard. I can't lie to myself.
As a Christian, everything is supposed to be ok, if you trust God. Once again, I've had to be real with myself. God knows me. He knows where I am. He already knows I'm having a hard time. He's the one who said, "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)

Tonight I am weary.
It's hard to admit.
I go through so many days with a spring in my step, and keep the pace.
But, there comes a time...
Tears fill my eyes, and my heart is heavy.
I have no energy left.
It's like there is a well in my heart that fills up a little at a time.
I go day by day, and when the well is full
the tears come.
I have to stop.
The load is heavy.

Lord, this road is hard everyday, but some days it is harder than others.
The holidays are so wonderful, and yet
there is a mixture of emotions that surface during this time.
I rejoice and decorate. I listen to Christmas songs and sing along.
I enjoy the movies and the festivities.
All the while, there is that hole in my heart for Caleb.
Lord, you know how much I miss him.
It is such an easy thing to say that I know he's in heaven and it's wonderful (and it is.)
But, it's hard to accept that he is really not here.
I miss him beyond words.
Lord, I'm thankful for my children that are here. I am.
They bring me great joy and I appreciate them so much.
But, oh Lord, how I long for the presence of my son in heaven.

I wake up each morning and that longing is there. It just is.
My world has changed and it will always seem incomplete without Caleb here.
Lord, you know I live this life looking up.
I love you. I look to you for strength everyday. and you are faithful.

Lord, I know I'm not alone.
I know many moms and dads on this road without their children, children - young and adult, without moms, dads.
There are many wives without their husbands, husbands without their wives.
Siblings missing brothers, sisters.
I have friends going through chemo, or other difficulties of life.
Life can be tough.
You know this. You said, "In this world, you shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer.
I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

You've shown me time and time again, that you are there for me.
I've seen your hand move in great ways. in quietness.
I've experienced your peace that surpasses the tough things of life.
In the darkest of times, your light has made a way on this road.

Christmas is a time of hope, a hope I hold dear -
the blessed hope of Christ who came to this world voluntarily- the Word made flesh, your only Son.
Even in tears and sorrow, you have been so faithful to lift me up.
You have been my hope.

My prayer is for all my friends, Shar, Ron, Ross, Judi, Casey, Justin, Michelle, Scoti,  Linda, Christine, Brandi, Sharon, Cheryl, Keith, Brad, Nancy, Luann, Mike, Kim,Wade, Marvin, Frankie, Carolyn, Ceci, Jon, Shelli, Brenden, Shelbi, Vicki, Randy, Kristen, Debbie,
Kliffa, Dennis, Mike, Robin, Jean, Derek, Austin, Mike, Ree, Joe, Sylvia, Vanessa, Maria, Sami, Val, Lorrie, Aesha, Makenzy, Dawn, Grant, Jennifer, Brian, and so many more.

May the peace that comes from Christ Jesus lift your hearts during this season.
He understands
He is the light in the darkness.

I remain yours in hope.

I may be back with more blogs during this season.
Now it is time to rest on my Abba Daddy's lap.

@ 2019 Diane Homm

green pastures: Gold Star Mothers

green pastures: Gold Star Mothers: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ There is  an invisible chain linking us closer today. Links of mothers' hearts across the land. Mothers brought together in th...

Gold Star Mothers

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

There is  an invisible chain linking us closer today.
Links of mothers' hearts across the land.
Mothers brought together in the throes of tragedy,
of sorrow -
Military moms with sons and daughters who served with their last
breath of air,
Then left this earth's life.

Military moms who got that knock at the door that
broke them like nothing else in life ever could.
"You'll get a knock, not a call," they said,
as they informed us of the new life we entered when
our sons, our daughters took that vow.
We had lived our days, not dwelling on the knock,
not thinking, yet dreading when a thought would cross our mind.


Gold Star Moms across the nation hold a flag,
a folded flag, with life and death engraved in each stitch.
"My son, my daughter," in red, white and blue,
folded and held close to our hearts for all eternity.

We don't all know each other, and yet -
when we meet for the first time,
we greet with hugs and tears.
We know too well,
We walk this road together.

Our lives are changed forever,
we will never be the same.
We can share our hearts,
the stories of our children,
We smile, laugh and cry,
because we understand.

"Its a club no one wants to join."
How well we know it's true.
We're in it for life,
till eternity calls,
And then,
we will take our last breath of air,
and leave this earthly life.

I've no doubt, the pearly gates will be surrounded
by our heroes gone ahead,
who will recognize us all
because of all the stories,
the hugs the tears
we shared.

@diane homm September 29, 2019

green pastures: Missing Caleb

green pastures: Missing Caleb: I can go along for a while, keeping busy, wearing a smile. Then, it happens. I think of it as a reservoir. My 'miss you&#39...

Missing Caleb

I can go along for a while,
keeping busy,
wearing a smile.
Then, it happens.

I think of it as a reservoir.
My 'miss you' reservoir.
Today it's full, full to overflowing.


That  'miss you' part of me -
That place where Caleb is supposed to be.


There are so many times I think, "Oh, I've got to tell Caleb about this!"
Something happens, I hear from someone he knows,
someone he knows has a job change, someone gets married, has a new baby...
and I just want to call or text, to visit, to let him know.

I don't care how long it's been, there are days like today
where I can hardly stand it.
 I wake up thinking how
I've got to see Caleb.

The gut-wrenching, tear-your-heart-apart feeling brings
me to my knees.

The reservoir is full to bursting.
Tears come.
Uncontrollable sobbing.
I miss my son.

I remember the mom who told me six years ago,
"Oh, there will come a day when you stop, and think,
'wow, I didn't think about him once, today...there will come a time when you won't think about him."
Ha!
I can't speak for any other parent,
but this parent thinks about all her children every single day.
Caleb is always going to be part of my life,

I miss him so much today.
Tears are flowing out of the reservoir,
I think of the bottle in heaven,
"You keep track of my sorrows. You have collected all my tears
in your bottle, You have recorded each one in your book." ~ Proverbs 58:6
My 'bottle' has got to be huge.

Caleb, today is a very hard day without your physical self here.
I think it's been long enough and you need to come home, now.
I remember those thoughts when you were deployed, or training or contracting for long periods of time.
But, this?!
This is so much harder. You won't be surprising me by calling, or walking through the front door.
You won't be HERE, in your room, with music playing.
You won't be jumping out and scaring me, only to make me laugh till I cried.
You won't be hanging out in the kitchen while I cook, sampling this or that.
You won't be watching some old movie with me, and at the end saying,"i can't believe I watched that with you."
You won't be revving up your Harley, waving as you drive down the street.
You won't be saying, "Love you, Mom. See you later," when you have to leave or hang up.

I hate the finality of our time here on this earth together.

Days like this, I cling to that hope that brings joy in the depths of all the tears.
I will see you again.
I will hear you again,
I will hug you again.
You will make me laugh again, and tell me 'what's going on.'

Random memories will cross my mind, and recently I thought of the impressions you would do. You did such a good job, and would make me laugh so hard.
Remember the Cosby impersonation about the pudding?

No matter what, you bring a smile to my face, to my heart.
Oh, but I miss you.
No amount of time will ever change that.

Eternity is ours.

I love you, Caleb.


copyright@diane homm 07/17/2019