Remembering To Hope

This morning I went to the cemetery to remove the flowers......


It is like I'm watching someone else, as I approach Caleb's spot.
The spot is beautiful with an array of flowers put there by family, friends, and
I don't know who else.
A solar flag stands behind the marker with Caleb's name.

This can't be my life...this can't be my son's name...
I pick up the wreath adorned with red, white and blue flowers.
A blue ribbon from the bow with the word "Hero," flutters in the wind reminding me of my reality.
I reach down and pick up an arrangement of flowers draped with a ribbon, printed with the word, "Hero."
That's my son.
"Hero."
How can this be?

The flags lining the site, dance in the wind -
the red, white and blue he honored, and gave his life for.
There are coins dropped at his spot, letting me know that visitors have paid respects to my fallen hero.
It's all beautiful, and takes my breath away as tears stream down my face.

I think I'm still in shock,
except the pain is searing and real.
I stand for a moment, thinking of my wonderful, amazing, hilarious son.
I can see his smiling face, hear his laughter ever so  clear in my heart.
How can it be, he is not here?
I want to turn back time, hug him again, tell him I love him, look at his smiling face,
and listen to his spontaneous wit, and wisdom.

This unwelcome reality is so hard....
The pain is so great I double over....
I breathe...
I brush away the tears, and take another deep breath.

I stand alone in the silence of the moment, as the wind whistles it's song.
Then,
Out of nowhere, a butterfly flies close to my face.
It flies past, and comes again.
I smile...                                                

My sign of hope.

I drive down the lane, leaving the cemetery.
This is my life.
I'm still in a daze
about this reality.


When I get home, I want to sleep and forget my reality for a while, but -
I mow our lawn instead.
A delivery man pulls up next door.
He waves as he approaches the neighbor's house.
He lost a son years ago.
An unspoken bond.

I continue to mow, deep in thought about a jumble of things...
Then, out of nowhere, like a stunt plane, right before my face,
a butterfly zooms past -
turns and comes back.
I step back in surprise.
There it comes again.
Like it's teasing me,
challenging me.
I smile.
Ok.                                                   
A sign.

I can do this.
Thank you God.
Thank you Caleb.

Selah.