Home For Christmas

Home for Christmas!
Every mother's wish.
It is the best gift ever to hear, "Hey, Mom. I'll be home for Christmas."


Through the years, as my five left the nest, I remember -


I so looked forward to Christmas break.
"When will you be home," I'd ask.
I was always so excited for that one in college, that one who moved away,
to come home for Christmas.
I'd listen for a car to pull into the driveway.
I'd rush to the door to welcome
hugs and luggage.
Home for Christmas!


Then, there was Caleb.
"When will you be home," I'd wonder - holding my breath.
I say God was so merciful and gracious to me.
Caleb got to come home most of the Christmases he was in the Marines.
We'd drive to the airport to pick him up.
I'd keep a sharp eye on the people coming up the escalator, looking for that
one who was a little taller than most, standing straight and tall.
When I'd see him, I'd rush over to hug him.
Home for Christmas!


There were Christmases without him - like when he was deployed.


It was during those times - especially that first deployment, that this song spoke to my heart.
When I'd hear "I'll Be Home For Christmas," I'd think of Caleb.

Caleb would tease me about Christmas.

"There better be snow," he'd say.

Christmases have come and gone, and my five have grown up.

It's not always possible for all of us to be together at Christmas,

but I know the love is there.

We talk, we send presents, we are a family.

And about Caleb?

I know. He'll be spending Christmas with Jesus.

I play "I'll Be Home For Christmas" on the piano for him, and sing it if I can.

Anytime I hear it, I think of all the Christmases we shared,

the Christmases when he was home.

Yes, Caleb. I know you'll be home for Christmas - in my heart, in my dreams.

Merry Christmas my son.
Till we meet again -

I love you.








Copyright © 2016 Diane Homm. All Rights Reserved.

The Message

It is fitting that the first Christmas without Caleb, a message to my heart would come through lyrics of an old Christmas carol. You see, Christmas time, Christmas carols have always been an important part of our lives.
That first Christmas,
it seemed everywhere I went, one song stood out - whether in a store, or on the radio at home or in my vehicle.
The lyrics are so familiar, but the message seemed to speak to me personally - from/about Caleb.

Silent Night

Silent Night, Holy Night,

All is calm, all is bright.

Round yon Virgin, Mother and child,

Holy infant, so tender and mild.

Sleep in heavenly peace.

Sleep in heavenly peace.

Silent night, holy night - I could imagine that night so long ago, the world was at rest, all were sleeping except for the shepherds who felt a hushed, holy, unspeakable presence. Something was different about that night. Heaven had come to earth.

The message - to remember the wonderful presence of that very night is mine, a hushed, sweet holiness from heaven.

"Remember this Mom....it is always yours."

All is calm, all is bright - My son is living in a place where all is calm, serene, peaceful and joyous,

where there is brightness of celebration, love and a completeness only those who are there know.

The message - remember beyond this world there is an eternity, filled with peace, goodness, love and wonderous joy.

"I'm ok Mom."

Round yon Virgin, mother and child, holy infant so tender and mild - Thoughts of how Mary must have felt as she held Jesus for the first time, that awesome sense of love that a mother feels for her child, that unspeakable, glorious love.

The message - Ah, the memories of holding Caleb, so tiny, soft and innocent - such a miraculous, tender gift of life.

"I'm always with you, Mom. I will always be that gift in your life. I know you love me so very, very much."

Sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace. - I know where Caleb is. He is living in heavenly peace. He is free from the confines of this world, the fallibility of this earth, more alive now that he is in a place of heavenly perfection, of heavenly peace.

The message - Because I know where Caleb is, that he is safe in that perfect place, I can have peace, even in the midst of missing him so much.

"Sleep in heavenly peace, Mom....let heaven bring you peace. Let it be your peace.

I love you."

I have always loved Silent Night, but now - every time I hear it, it is for me, for my heart.

It is my heavenly lullaby.

And yes - it still jumps out wherever I am. The message still fills me with hope - even through the tears.

Sleep in heavenly peace.

Sleep in heavenly peace.

Copyright © 2016 Diane Homm. All Rights Reserved.

The Ride is Just About Over

Election year 2016.
One day we may look back and think of it as a bad 'once upon a time' story -
Poorly written and so totally bizarre that it couldn't have possibly happened.




It was at least a life time ago that the Democrats had two candidates and the Republicans had seventeen. Then the Republicans had twelve. Then the Republicans and the Democrats had one. Then, some of the Republicans didn't like the person the people had elected. So, some of the GOP started bashing the Republican candidate, saying they weren't going to support him, calling him such eloquent names, as "buffoon." Being under the delusion that their wisdom was above the people who voted them into office in the first place ...it appeared after a while, that as they ranted,  they just resembled caricatures in Looney Tunes. Then, the Democrat candidate with reports of crime upon crime, including lying about Benghazi (that place far away we are supposed to forget about) continued to be supported. There were leaks and a wiener, like a picnic gone bad, but she kept on running. Republicans, Democrats, sounding like tabloid stories from The National Enquirer or maybe True Confessions, kept campaigning.
In the meantime, major newspapers, and the mega media joined in the tabloid reporting, and it all seemed like a nightmare.
What was true? It was like a bunch of school kids trying to make the other guy look worse than their guy. What to believe was left to the bewildered viewer.  I take that back.
It was worse than school kids - much worse.


The FBI decided they wanted to play and added turmoil and confusion  to the mix by their wishy-washy decisions - such a stalwart organization. Who'd have thought.....




Well, here it is.
The day before this 'once upon a time' story ends and another begins.
Some are saying, "I can't wait till it's over."
I haven't heard a single, "I just don't care," and that is unusual for a presidential election.
However, I have heard, "Well, it's whatever God wants."
That one had me stumped.
I recalled so many stories in the Bible where God wanted one thing and the people wanted another.
They always ended up in a terrible fix (ie slavery for hundreds of years under tyranny.)
No, it wasn't what God wanted. It was what they wanted.
You've heard the saying, "All that is required for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing."
-Just saying.


This election is different.
I mean, the whole world seems to be involved in this one.
Have you heard, even Putin is supposedly putting his two cents in on this one.


Well, so it goes.


My feelings are pretty strong, too.
I can't help it.
I'd like to just be quiet and say it doesn't matter, but it does - and for one reason.
Freedom.
That's it.
Our forefathers had wisdom and foresight when they wrote the Declaration of Independence, The Constitution.
Providence has led our nation.


Life is sacred.
Hard work should supersede entitlement.
Honesty is the best policy.
The more regulations, the more control, the less freedom we will have.
I say, freedom isn't just doing whatever you want - that results in chaos.
Freedom is being responsible, respectful, reliable, resilient.


Really.
I can't help but take this election seriously.
I consider it a privilege to have been born here in America.
I consider freedom a precious gift.
I understand the high price paid for this freedom.
My son is one who sacrificed his life.
Many people have given their lives through the ages
because they believed this freedom was worth dying for.




I leave you with words from President Ronald Reagan:

• We're at war with the most dangerous enemy that has ever faced mankind in his long climb from the swamp to the stars, and it's been said if we lose that war, and in so doing lose this way of freedom of ours, history will record with the greatest astonishment that those who had the most to lose did the least to prevent its happening.
• You and I are told increasingly that we have to choose between a left or right, but I would like to suggest that there is no such thing as a left or right. There is only an up or down —
• If we lose freedom here, there is no place to escape to. This is the last stand on Earth.
• One legislator accused me of having a nineteenth-century attitude on law and order. That is a totally false charge. I have an eighteenth-century attitude. That is when the Founding Fathers made it clear that the safety of law-abiding citizens should be one of the government's primary concerns.

Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn’t pass it on to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States where men were free.


I don't want to see that 'once upon a time' in this country.


Look around.
Think about it.

Who Knew What Happened In Benghazi

I spoke at a meeting recently, about the book, Thirteen Hours The Inside Account Of What Really Happened In Benghazi. There was much interest and I had planned on live-streaming. However, we were unable to live-stream in the building.

 Because of the interest of so many, I am high-lighting some of the main points of my talk (attacks and requests for help that took place in Benghazi in 2012 leading up to, and including 9-11-12.)
 What I share comes solely from the book written by Mitchell Zuckoff with the Annex Security Team (these are the guys who were there and I believe their account is accurate.)

Benghazi -

2011 Civil War in Benghazi with help from America, brought to end the rule of Gaddafi. After the war the absence of a working government, anti-Western sentiments, and an ample supply of weapons (raided from Gaddafi's armories, were thousands of AK-47s, pistols, assault rifles, grenades, mortars, rocket launchers and heavy machine guns that were then sold in markets and out of the trunks of vehicles) led to more and more violence in 2012.

2012 attacks in Benghazi -

April 2, British armored vehicle attacked.

April 6 homemade bomb was thrown over a wall at the US Special Mission Compound

April 10-another homemade bomb was lobbed at motorcade of UN Special Envoy to Libya

May- RPG (rocket propelled grenade) struck Benghazi offices of the International committee of the Red Cross.

June 6 - attacks escalate IED (improvised explosive device) blew a hole in a wall around the US diplomatic Compound

June 11 - RPG fired at a car carrying the British ambassador (1/2 mile from US Diplomatic Compound. The next day, the UK closed Benghazi consulate and evacuated its staffers.)

Early 2012 - J. Christopher Stevens became Ambassador who believed, "There is tremendous goodwill for the United States in Libya now." He arrived in Libya, May 26, 2012. His optimism was tested from the start by instability and violence.


Note - Two main buildings will be mentioned -1) The Annex where the CIA was and where GRS operators were. The GRS operators were former military (mostly special ops) independent contractors hired to guard diplomats and Americans in the field) - 2) The US Special Mission Compound where Ambassador Chris Stevens stayed and where DS Agents (law enforcement and security arm of State Department) were hired to safeguard the Secretary of State and visiting dignitaries.    

Requests for protection -
Early June, 2012 -  Ambassador Stevens sent an e-mail to State Department official in Washington asking for two six-man Mobile Security Detachments of specially trained DS agents be allowed to remain in Libya through the nations elections in July and August. "We would feel much safer if we could keep two MSD teams with us through this period to support our staff and provide a personal detail for me and the Deputy Chief of Mission and any VIP visitors." The request was denied.
 
June 25 - Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens sent a cable to Washington quoting local sources who said, "Islamic extremism" appeared to be rising in eastern Libya -al-Quaeda's black and white flag has been spotted flying over government buildings."

July 9, 2012 - Ambassador Stevens and embassy's security staff, led by a DS agent (Eric Nordstrom) asked the State Department to extend the presence of a Site Security Team (SST) consisting of sixteen active-duty military special operators. The State Department officials denied the request saying the DS agents and local hired guards could do the job. (The Defense Department's African Command which oversaw the unit (SST) was willing to extend their stay and offered twice. However, Ambassador Stevens would not buck the decision of the State Department in Washington.)

August 2012 - The State Department issued a severely worded travel warning for Libya, cautioning that "political violence in the form of assassinations and vehicle bombs has increased in both Benghazi and Tripoli....Inter-militia conflict can erupt at any time or any place in the country."


August 2, 2012 - Stevens sent another cable to Washington seeking more body guards. He wrote, "The security conditions in Libya - unpredictable, volatile and violent."  Request denied.

As the anniversary of 9-11 approached, which also coincided with the Ambassador's visit to Benghazi, there was a warning that GRS operators felt certain came from Washington - the cable warned: Be advised, we have reports from locals that a Western facility or US Embassy/Consulate/Government target will be attacked in the next week. (wording may not be exact but the unambiguous message was clear.)

September 6, 2012 - Stevens wrote in his diary, "Militias are power on the ground. Dicey conditions, including car bombs, attacks on consulate, Islamist 'hit list' in Benghazi. Me targeted on a prominent website..."

September 10, 2012 - Stevens arrives in Benghazi from Tripoli for a ribbon cutting ceremony at a local school. He has two DS agents to guard him. Three others are already stationed at the Special Missions Compound. In addition to the seven Americans, were four members of the 17 February militia  who lived near the front of the compound. One of the members had been absent for several days. the guards trustworthiness was questionable since the Compound "had been vandalized and attacked...by some of the same guards who were there to protect it."


Evening September 10, 2012 - a private meeting with Benghazi's mayor and city council was to take place. However, the local media was contacted - making a larger security threat. A DS agent called the Annex team for backup (note: the 17 February militia hired to do backup had refused to accompany the American diplomat's vehicle in protest. Even so, US officials still officially considered the 17February Martyr's Brigade ie. militia (large Islamist militia) to be a quick Reaction Force in event of an attack on the Compound.) Since militia refused to protect the ambassador, Tyrone Woods and Jack Silva (both GRS operators and former Navy SEALS) volunteered to accompany him.
 


September 11, 2012

Benghazi wakes at call to Fajr prayer.
6:43am Three men in a car slow to a stop north side of US diplomatic Compound. A man climbed to the second floor of a building that overlooked the Compound, recording what he saw on his phone camera. A guard spotted the photographer and went out to speak with him. The man denied doing anything wrong, got in the car and they all left. Stevens issued a complaint delivered to police authorities about the incident. No word back.


Quiet day
7:40 pm Stevens and a DS agent escort Turkish Consul General outside the main gate.
9:00 pm Annex team and Americans at Compound settle in for the night.
9:02 pm vehicle parks outside the main Compound gate for forty minutes, never engaging with
               anyone - guards nor anyone from Compound.
The moment the vehicle drives away shots and an explosion rang out. Several dozen men firing   AK-47s swarmed through the pedestrian entrance of the Compound's main gate. Guards who were to sound an alarm to alert DS agents, and serve as first line defense had been a huge mistake because they didn't do either. Instead they ran to find better trained DS agents...some ran and left the Compound. Attackers met no resistance and took control. They found five-gallon fuel cans and poured diesel fuel around the building, setting it on fire.
9:45 pm chief DS agent at US Embassy in Tripoli announces the Compound was under attack.
        -The two DS agents inside the TOC called the US Embassy in Tripoli, the CIA Annex, headquarters of the 17 February militia and the Diplomatic Security Command Center in Washington.
         -Within minutes of the attack, the seven Americans were separated into three locations - Two Benghazi-based DS agents were locked inside the TOC (a separate building from the Compound) two DS agents were barricaded inside the Cantina with a local guard, and Ambassador Chris Stevens and Sean Smith, and DS agent were left in the villa's safe haven (a 'secret' place for safety in the Compound.) With flames surrounding the building, and toxic smoke, it was not a safe place. Armed invaders made their way around the Compound firing their weapons and destroying and stealing whatever they liked.
          - Two way radios throughout Annex announced a meeting of all GRS to let them know the Compound was under attack.
           - From the US Embassy in Tripoli, Deputy Chief of Mission Gregory Hicks called the Operations Center at the State Department in Washington to report the attack. Calls went out to several Libyan political leaders as well.
           - the embassy's defense attaché called leaders of Libya's Air Force and other Libyan armed forces seeking help. Calls were made to officials at Benina International Airport to ask for logistical support and cooperation in anticipation of arrival of American operators from Tripoli (including former Navy SEAL Glen Doherty.)
           -calls went out from American diplomats to leaders of the 17 February militia, officials at the UN, and diplomats in friendly nations' embassies in Libya.
          - Hicks called Washington again with updates.

10:05 pm (4:05pm in Washington) the State Dept. Operations Cener issued an alert to the White House Situation Room, the FBI and Office of the Director of National Intelligence, among other government and intel agencies. "US Diplomatic Mission in Benghazi Under Attack. Approximately twenty armed people fired shots; explosions have been heard as well...."

GRS operators prepare to assist at Compound. Bob the base chief says to wait for his signal.
GRS operators again say, "We've gotta go!" Bob the base chief tells them to stand down. They need to wait.
GRS operators continue to say they need to go. The base chief continues to tell them to wait..'the local militia will handle it.'
DS agent radios about attack and base chief continues to tell GRS operators to stand down.
Being used to following orders GRS operators wait, but know they can't wait anymore.
GRS operators leave and drive to Compound.
In the meantime, DS agent Alec Henderson continued to communicate with the Tripoli embassy, the State Dept. in Washington.
Washington - Defense Secretary Leon Panetta later testified to Congress that two Marine security platoons stationed in Spain were ordered to prepare to go - a Special Operations force in central Europe was ordered to prepare to deploy, a US-based Special Operations team was told to get ready - consideration to send armed aircraft was decided against, Panetta said because of, "a problem of distance and time."
Hicks who was in Tripoli had been communicating with Washington, and had asked if any help was coming, and was told the nearest help was in Italy where Air Force fighter planes were two/three hours away but they'd need refueling and no tankers were available right then.
In the end, none of them were sent to Benghazi.
However, the GRS team from Tripoli was sent to Benghazi to help.


GRS operators enter the Compound, looking for Ambassador Stevens in the midst of the fire, to no avail.


The Americans are confronted over and over with firefights - one group of attackers would leave, there may be a lull, and another group would come, eventually, launching mortar after mortar.

Those who lost their lives -Tyrone Woods (former Navy SEAL) and Glen Doherty (former Navy SEAL) as well as Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens and Sean Smith (computer specialist.)




Sunrise September 12, 2012
6:22 am in Benghazi Surviving Americans prepared to leave.


This is the end of a summary of the events in Benghazi 2012, taken from the book, Thirteen Hours The Inside Account Of What Really Happened In Benghazi. There are many more details in the book told by the men who were there...more of their first hand accounts of what actually happened. I urge you as a reader to read this book.
In light of media coverage, and the idea that the "surprise, out-of-nowhere-attack" was "...because of a protest or because of guys out for a walk last night who decided to kill some Americans?"  I wanted to read, research on my own. As I stated at the beginning, I believe the accounts given by the men who were there. 


From all accounts written here- the timeline, the number of attacks and requests, could any or all of these  attacks been prevented?


You decide.


Benghazi happened.
Benghazi matters.

More Than A Memory

I miss you so much today.
Oh, I miss you everyday, but sometimes it's just about unbearable.
I can keep busy, like I am today....
but it doesn't matter.


I've gotten out.
Been to the farmer's market,
been to the grocery store,
visited with friends.
Smiled, listened and shared life.


I'm cleaning and organizing -
you'd be so proud....well, sort of.
I know. I could just throw it all away.
Why do I keep those scentsy burners? Isn't one enough?
Why do I have a basket of candles, and candleholders?
Why do I keep sheet music I don't play anymore?
Good question.
If you were here with me today, I could hear our conversation.
I'd end up keeping the sheet music and the scentsy burners.
You'd help carry my bags of treasures out to the dumpster with a smile.


I miss you so much it takes my breath away.
It hurts so much, and it's so unbelievable that I can't call you or text you.
I can hardly stand it.
I want to see you so much.


I have hope, and I know that one day I will see you.
But, there are times like this when it is the hardest thing ever to be without your
presence here, where I can see you.
In my mind's eye, I can see you standing against the wall, hands in your pockets, telling me a story and laughing away at something.


I'm listening to oldies on Pandora.
It went from Classical Christmas to those old songs.
I know you love Christmas music, and all kinds of music.
I know the music you're listening to in heaven is totally awesome, but I miss those times of hearing
music coming from your room, or times of talking about lyrics and different kinds of music and artists.


I drove your vehicle today. I love that it still smells like it did when you were here.
That clean, fresh smell.
Sometimes when I get in, I say, "Ok, Caleb. Here we go."
It hurts, but it helps to say your name out loud.


You know, you and your brothers and sister are my treasures.
It brightens up my day every time I hear from them and/or see them.
If only I could add you to the list of phone calls, or footsteps walking into our house.


I want to hear your laugh...want to see you sitting at the table with us,
or in the family room, laughing and talking....
I want to see you running down the street from one of your "short" runs...


I can see it all in my mind.
It is like you said so many times....
"Your treasures, your memories are right here," -
in my heart, and in my mind.
You were so right.
It's what I have.
I may not be able to see you face to face, but
the memories are treasures that are always there.


Oh, but
you are more than a memory.
So much more!


You are part of me, you are part of our family forever.
You are part of my life - our lives, for always.
You are more real than the air that we breathe...
more real than anything in this life.
You encompass all that we are.
Yes, we have memories,
but we have so much more
because we have you in our hearts, in our lives for always.


It hurts so much right now, but I know
I will keep on going on forward,
living and laughing and  crying...
listening to the music,
taking you with me everywhere I go.


The 'now' can be so hard without you.
Even though I know you're just a breath away,
right now it seems like you're so far away.


One day,
I know you'll be there at heaven's gates, waiting with that big smile
that I can hardly wait to see.


I love you so much, Caleb.
Oh.....I know you live on and it's wonderful in heaven.
 but,
 today
it would be so fine to see your face at my door.




(So Far Away by Carole King)

It's You

I look at your pictures.

I see your smile, and

the twinkle in your eyes.

I can hear your laugh.

Our conversations linger in the silence.

I can hear you say the funniest things.

I hear myself whisper,

"I love you my son."

Your reply,

"Love you too, Mom."

I don't know how I'm ever supposed to

get used to this.

Not being able to see you in person

is the hardest

thing ever.

The longing is so deep,

In the depths of my being

silent groans

fill my heart.

How can this be real?

Surely you are on a long deployment.

Any minute the phone will ring,

I will get a text,

the door will open.

"Surprise!"

Remember that Mother's Day when
you came home to surprise me?
That was the best surprise ever.


I miss you so much every day.
I tell myself you're really as near
as the next room.
You're only a breath away.
Even though I believe with all my heart
these things to be true,
it's not that easy.
Not easy for this small mind to understand.


Oh, it's not that I think I have to understand to believe.
I'm way past that.
I believe with all my heart.
I know with a knowing that has no explainable words.


Oh, child of mine....
grown man of integrity and never-ending smiles.
It's hard everyday, and yet,
I am blessed...
it's because of you that each step is a little easier


Your bigger than life, life
gives me nothing but joy.
You who went beyond what was expected...
Your life lends me so much to make it through each day.



I'm thankful.
I'm grateful for your life -
the blessing, the gift.


You.


You, my son.


I love you Caleb.




 



The Trip To Perris/ Those Difficult Beautiful Blessings

I told my my husband, "I don't think I'm ready for this."
"I don't think I'll go."
"You are most welcome to go, but I think I'll pass."
Of course, that isn't the way it turned out at all.
We were in California visiting some of our Recon family.


Chris had told me that when we visited he would take us to Perris.
We could visit the memorial to Caleb.


It is a beautiful memorial.
A lot of time and work went into this marvelous tribute to Caleb.
I'd seen it before it was mounted, and marveled at the talent, the skill
Garrett had put into designing and producing this multi-dimensional likeness of
his Recon Brother.
It was truly heartfelt.
I wanted to see the memorial.
I just didn't want to go to Perris.                            

Perris Sky-Diving .

where the accident happened.

The last place Caleb was before he went to heaven.

No thank you.

Not this trip.

(Again, that's not how it went.)

Before we visited Chris and his family, we went to lunch with Daniel and Martha, who recently returned from Okinawa.

These special people were friends of Caleb's.

During our lunch conversation Perris had come up, and I said I wasn't sure I was going to go.

So, after lunch, as we were saying our farewells

Daniel asked me if I was going to go.

I told him about my reluctance.

He told me it might help.

I'd be taking another step.

Somehow, his words sounded like something Caleb would say.

He doesn't know this - not only was it what he said, but there was a look in his eyes.
I always say the Recon guys are old souls.
They've gone through a lot, witnessed the ravages of war, and have lost so many brothers...
They may be young, but their eyes tell the story.
Daniel looked at me...deep, understanding eyes.
There was love, wisdom and sadness.

He said, "I haven't gone there yet, but I will."

I decided I'd go.


I climbed into Chris's Rubicon and held my breath.
The closer we got to Perris, the deeper breaths I took.
"I can do this."
I prayed.


We were on the same road Caleb drove that day...it was his last drive.

My mind wandered...

What was he thinking?
Then, I remembered.
He was singing.
A Recon mom recently shared with me that her son Brian had been riding with Caleb that day and they were
singing at the top of their lungs.
Isn't God good to remind me of that?

Yes, it was difficult when I saw the sign, "Perris."

It was difficult when we neared the training facility.
But, I was there.


I saw the place Caleb should have landed, and in the distance, the field where he did land.
I saw the plane he and his brothers were in.
I saw the bench he sat on.
It was all so bittersweet.

There were tears, but I was there with him, visiting a piece of his life, if that makes any sense.

I loved the memorial.
It is amazing, and stands in front of the flagpole, beside the main building.
Very fitting.
The location was not what I thought it would be.

I thought there may be a trailer and a hangar, but it isn't like that at all.

This is a nice sized facility.
There were several buildings, shops, a restaurant, and a swimming pool.


I couldn't think of what happened there that last day without thinking about how much Caleb loved sky-diving.
That is when it happened.

I looked up and the sky was filled with parachutes of all colors.

It was breathtaking, and I've never seen anything like it....about a hundred jumpers.
Caleb sent a special show for us - for me.


There were lots of tears, but I had to smile as I watched (something I hadn't been able to do) as the skydivers went from tiny specks to a rainbow of colors as they floated gracefully to the ground.

There were over a hundred of them.

Daniel was right.

It was another step.

As I was looking through the pictures I took there, I noticed a saying

at the bottom of the Skydive Perris sign.

"Living Life Just A Little Larger Than Most."

Yes, that is my son.

That would be Caleb.

Selah.



Living Life Just A Little Larger Than Most.
I love you Caleb.

green pastures: Just Like Yesterday

green pastures: Just Like Yesterday: It's that time of year - graduation. Holidays trigger so many emotions, but so do other events, i.e. graduation. Some year...

Just Like Yesterday

It's that time of year - graduation.




Holidays trigger so many emotions, but so do other events, i.e. graduation.
Some years memories float from afar, other times they are as close as yesterday.
Funny how that happens.


I loved having my little birds in the nest, and when it was time for them to fly away it was not easy.


(This year's graduation hit harder than in years past...but then again, how do I know that?
Sometimes it's like being in the movie, 50 First Dates...maybe I just don't remember.
Maybe I thought the same last year. Maybe it's hard every year....)


I remember the tears, the anticipation, and knowing it was the order of things.
We raise our children to grow and go - we know that day is going to come and yet,
when it does, it's difficult.



Even though it was hard for this mama bird, I was so proud of each one.
I enjoyed planning graduation parties...getting ready for the big day.
Those were the days....
Awards Night, Baccalaureate , Chapel, and then...


Graduation.
A stream of red and black caps and gowns marched into the gym, young faces
ready for new adventures in life.


Looking back -remembering -
I see the masking tape messages on the caps.
I see the group of boys who made it through that senior year.
I see the faces of those I watched grow up....birthday parties, lunches at our house,
programs, games, proms.


I remember Caleb's graduation.
His recruiter, Sgt. Wedgewood (a name I'll never forget) joined us in his dress blues.
We as a family wore t-shirts that said, "Proud of our Marine - Caleb Medley' ( yes, I'm that mom.)
It seems the band played the Marine Hymn.
I remember the announcer saying that Caleb was joining the Marines, and everyone gave him a round of applause.
I remember his graduation party -
My good friend Kathy and I went in together and had our sons' parties together - it was the only right thing to do for two boys who grew up together, just houses apart - you never knew what was going to happen when they got together - master minds of the unexpected.
I remember Caleb and Andy cutting the huge graduation cake, holding the knife together, cutting slices as if it was a wedding cake.
Hilarious -those two.
Those were the days.


Churches here always honor the graduating seniors.
I don't recall being in a service on graduation day in many years, well since my youngest graduated (I think I avoided being there that day, making room for visiting family perhaps.)
I didn't think about it being graduation Sunday this week.
 
I skimmed through the bulletin before the service started and saw the graduates names.
There was immediate flashback to Graduation Sundays past.
The graduates marched in wearing their gowns.
The sermon usually had something to do with the steps they were taking.
They were called to the front of the church, were prayed for, and given Bibles.


What brought the tears today?
One of the graduates honored at church is going into the Marines.
A flood of emotion came over my heart as I was transported back to 2005 - the announcement that Caleb was going to join the Marine Corps.


A short week after graduation Caleb rode away with his recruiter.




There are actually two seniors leaving for the Marine Corps in this small town. In a class of fifty-one (the number of pictures in the newspaper) that's 4% of their class.


I visited a little with the young recruit at church, congratulating him on his graduation and for wanting to be one of the Few, the Proud.
As I walked away
 I thought of my own son in 2005.
Caleb was ready. He was sure of the decision.
There was no turning back for him, and I knew that.
I had to admire him.
Many are unsure of the direction they will take.
Some know they are going to college or trade school.
That of course, will be a change - a step into the an unknown future.


But, those who are called to serve our country -
Well....
They sign a blank check payable to our country for an amount up to and including their very lives.
It is a huge commitment.


As a parent of a Marine, I knew that.
But, I've got to tell you, I didn't go down that wild road in my thoughts. You can't or you'll be miserable worrying about what hasn't happened.
As a Marine Mom, I can say with all my heart, I was/am proud of Caleb, and always will be.
As the recruiter said to us as we sat around our dining room table, "We don't just recruit your son, we recruit the whole family."


It is true. We entered a new way of life when Caleb left for boot camp. I know my perspective on the stuff of life changed - and continues to change.




To all the parents who watched as those tassels were put from one side of the mortars to the other,
"Congratulations."
I visited with some of my mom friends of graduates. 
I know it's tough letting go....these young men and women have been in your care for eighteen, nineteen years, and now suddenly they've graduated and are going into that unknown world of being an adult.
It's a transition, whether they are going to college, moving away to work, or joining the Marine Corps.




Heads up, moms.
I remember looking at other moms whose children were older than mine.
I thought, "Well, they've made it. I suppose I will, too."
It's true.
You do.


Our children go and grow - and so do we.
It's what we do.
And you know....
Our mom hearts will always carry our children with love and pride
bursting in our hearts.


There will be times when
these days will seem just like yesterday.




Memories...so close and yet so far away.

In The Middle Of The Night

Anytime, anywhere

Here it is, one-thirty in the morning.
Some nights are like this.

I'm sound asleep, and then -
I'm wide awake.

No!
This reality hits with such harshness
I can hardly stand it.

I know by calendar time,
it's been three years,
yet the reality sinks in deeper and deeper
and the pain is more intense.

I don't know who said it gets easier...
that's a sick joke, and not true.

Oh, I'm not saying I live in utter despair.
I'm not filled with distress and horror.
But, it's tough without that smiling face of my
wonderful son.

I treasure my family.
I love them with all my heart.
There is nothing I would rather do than
spend time with them.
What joy!

Yet, these moments come along
and I gasp for air.
Caleb isn't here.

Sometimes it's like he's on deployment, or away training.
His adventurous life has taken him many places.
But, then it hits.
In those moments it can be almost unbearable.
Yes, I know I will see him again, and I'm so grateful.
But,
there are those times
I long for his presence -
here and now.

Tonight
I fell asleep listening to gentle, soothing rain.
When I woke up with that gut-wrenching, tear my heart apart feeling,
My soul cried out.

I grabbed the one thing that could
soothe my aching heart.

As I read, verse after verse jumped out at me.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid...
for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." ~ Deuteronomy 31:6

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm46?10

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

"Fear not for I am with you. Be not dismayed for I am your God.
I will strengthen you.
I will help you.
I will uphold you
with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

I looked on Facebook, and the first post I saw was -

He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside still waters. (Psalm 23:2)

The 23rd Psalm
My lifeline on this journey.
For many nights after the Marines came to our door my husband read, "The Lord is my shepherd...."
to me.
He'd finish and I'd say, "Again - please read it to me again," and he would.

I have a copy of the 23rd Psalm on my refrigerator.
I cannot be reminded too often.
"...though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil, for you are with me.
Your rod and your staff they comfort me...."

I used to think of this psalm as the 'funeral' psalm,
but now I understand.
It is a psalm of comfort, of encouragement.
His rod and staff do comfort me.
A shepherd uses a rod to protect his sheep from danger.
The staff represents kindness - used to bring a sheep
closer to the shepherd, for guidance and reassurance.

I know this wave will pass -
I know that He is faithful and will be my strength moment by moment.

With that I can say -

Lord, you are my shepherd.
I shall not lack for anything.
Your joy is my strength.
You hold me in the palm of your hand
and you will never let me go.
You love me from everlasting to everlasting.
I am not alone for you are with me
always.
I thank you.

...And I know, though sorrow may last for a night, joy comes in the morning.

Selah.

 

Cheers and Chains

 

Cheers and chains…isn’t that the way it is.

One minute you're at the top of the world, and everyone is cheering for you, shouting your name. You are awesome.

The next minute, you do something (or don’t do something), say something (or don’t say anything) and the mob is ready to get out the chains and beat you to a bloody pulp.

This is Holy Week.

It starts with Palm Sunday.

Here comes Jesus, riding on a donkey. He stops before he enters the city. Jerusalem. What a beautiful, magnificent city. But, as Jesus looks, he weeps. “Oh, Jerusalem, Jerusalem.” He loves this city, and the people. Yet, he knows what is coming – for Jerusalem, for himself.

He proceeds, and as he enters the city people surround him, covering the streets with garments, and branches.  Shouts and cheers fill the air with triumph. “Hosanna! Blessed is he that comes in the name of the Lord!”

The people see this miracle worker, this man who is going to free them from the tyranny surrounding them. He is their King, their Messiah, their Deliverer.

I’ve always felt so many emotions about that day. It appears Jesus has so many followers. He’s so loved. Yet, it wouldn’t be long till the same lips that praised and cheered for him would be shouting, “Crucify him!”

I’m sure some people thought he had let them down. He didn’t stand up to the authorities the way they thought he would. Things weren’t going the way they thought they should. What was wrong with him? Why didn’t he do something?

Things in this life can be like that.

Not always do things work the way we think they should.

There are nights with tear-stained pillows. Heartbreak so intense we don’t know how we are going to make it through another minute.

Sometimes situations are difficult. The world seems to be spiraling out of control. It can be overwhelming.

 I see it. I feel it.

I also see Jesus, riding on that donkey, going through the crowd, knowing he was going to be betrayed.

When life throws some hard punches, I run.

I run to the One who knows what it is to be alone, heartbroken, betrayed.

Holy Week reminds me that Jesus Christ suffered alone. Everyone he loved left him. He took on the all the darkness that this world would ever encounter…all because of his great love.

It’s hard for me to envision Jesus riding that donkey through the streets, hearing all the hoopla that would turn to jeers and shouts for his death. But, he held his head up.

He knew what was ahead, and when he was talking to his Father, he cried out, "Father if you are willing, take this cup of suffering from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." (Luke 22:42)

 As horrible as it was going to be, he knew it was going to be worth it.

He saw you.

He saw me.

Imagine that.

It always brings tears to my eyes.

What wondrous love.

Oh, it may be tough now. There may be tears and sorrow.

But, when I think of Jesus – who did it all because he could see beyond the pain –

Well, I hang on.

He overcame death and the grave.
And -

He is now seated at the right hand of the Father making intercession for us (Romans 8:34) and I know Caleb is there with so many others, cheering us on – till we all meet again.

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (Hebrews 12:1-3)

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. (Romans 8:18)

Selah.

Amen.

Thirteen Hours ~ How I See It

 

 

 

 

Benghazi
September 11, 2012.

Caleb called me when he heard about it,
and talked to me for quite a while.
I learned a lot that night...
One of the former Navy Seals killed in the attack was someone Caleb knew.
He was his friend.
Caleb had done independent contracting.
He knew what it entailed....what it was about.
He was a Recon Marine - highly trained for all situations.
These guys in our military, in Special Forces, have a keen sense for their surroundings.
of impending danger,
and are highly trained to respond, to protect.
He talked to me about so much - and it's all been locked away ever since.
Until now.
It all came back when I saw the movie.

I've followed Benghazi ever since Caleb's and my conversation in 2012.
It's part of my heart -for my son, what he stood for - for his brothers, for those in Benghazi who stood in the face of opposition - from the enemy and from the "those in charge."

I remember the account by Ms. Clinton and I quote, "Was it because of a protest or because of guys out for a walk one night, that decided to kill some Americans? What difference at this point, does it make?"
While four flag-draped caskets were ushered into a building filled with grief-stricken families, Ms. Clinton said, "It has been a difficult week for the State Department and our country....we've seen the heavy assault on our post in Benghazi that took the lives of those brave men. We've seen rage and violence directed at American Embassies over an awful internet video we had nothing to do with."


Then, the book was released - a first hand account of what the annex security team witnessed and experienced in Benghazi, Libya on September 11, 2012.

The movie followed. I watched several interviews by Oz, Tanto and Tig, the three who were there, who waged war against the attacks that took the lives of American Ambassador Chris Stevens, Foreign Service Officer, Sean Smith, and former Navy Seals, Glen Doherty and Tyrone Woods. These three, along with Doherty and Woods, saved the lives of the twenty to thirty-two Americans working at the State Department's Special Mission Compound.

I believe the account given by Mark (Oz) Geist - former Marine, Kris (Tanto) Paronto - former Army Ranger,, and John (Tig) Tiegen - former Marine. Getting the story out to honor their fallen brothers, to educate America on what really transpired at that time, is important.

I'm glad I saw the movie.
It was not easy, but I had to see it.
It brought tears, but I had to watch the story unfold.

The attack happened, and not because of an internet video. That statement is an insult to our intelligence, and a dishonor to the families of the fallen.

Stating it doesn't matter how the Americans were killed, 'what difference, at this point does it make?'
Believer me, if it is your child, your loved one who is killed - it matters.

One quote that stands out from Thirteen Hours: The Inside Account of What Really Happened In Benghazi:
    “People in America get up and go to their nine-to-five jobs every day and are oblivious to all     these battles and wars and people dying every minute all over the world. This is life. This is how other countries live. This is a daily occurrence in some places.”

 Men, like my son, have seen, have lived in these places.
They understand what can happen when freedom is lost, is taken away and when tyranny rules.

Being a Harvard graduate (one base chief in the movie flaunts his 'education' in the face of those highly trained for such situations ) does not make one an expert in areas of experience in war and dealing with surrounding, real life-threatening situations.

These men were not deployed. They were hired CIA contractors willing to risk their lives.
because they knew what it meant to be in a place like Benghazi. They'd been trained. They knew to be on the alert, always.

A line that stands out to me -
"Warriors aren’t trained to retire."
Warriors -
It's who they are.
They can be counted on,
They can be trusted.
They believe in the Constitution of the United States.
They believe in freedom.
They know the high cost of that freedom, and are willing to pay
the ultimate price....

The warriors/the 'secret soldiers' of Benghazi fought to the end, never giving up, never giving in...
even when no help was in sight.

I know many men like this.
I have total respect for them.
These are
men of honor, of integrity, and courage.
Men with no personal agenda.
Men who love their country, their fellow man - willing to
sacrifice even their lives.

Benghazi is important.
Yes, it does matter, and it does make a difference.

 

 

green pastures: Thirteen Hours ~ How I See It

green pastures: Thirteen Hours ~ How I See It: Was it a coincidence that the Benghazi attack was on September 11, 2012? Caleb called me when he heard about it. He talked to me for ...